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Aside from the fact that last night’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette‘ was filled with Ali’s girly giggles and semi-naked boys in the sun, it was Craig M. who stole the show with his overpowering Satanic cackles and underhanded antics. Who knew that such a mean-spirited, argumentative Canuck could ever exist? Thanks to the Weatherman’s big mouth and small stature, he became prime target for the perfectly coiffed cat to smack around. Don’t you worry your pretty wittle heads, there’s a happy ending to the drama…well, depending on how you look at it.
Here are some highlights that’ll make you never look at crazy people and big hair the same way again.
Love in the Hills
Ali’s date with Frank goes for a detour when her blue malibu Barbie convertible putters out of steam. But that’s okay, they find a cab to venture off to–where else? Hollywood Boulevard, baby!
After a cheesy prance down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Ali takes Frankenstein to the famous Hollywood sign! Yippie Kay Yay! They jump for joy and buzz around like two bumblebees in heat. The two sit together and look out at the romantic smog hovering over the LA sky. After he whispers sweet nothings about going with your gut and taking chances, tonsil hockey ensues. “I’m starting to feel something for her,” Frank coos,”…and it’s in my pants.”
The nighttime dinner scene is just oodles of giggles and puppy love. Ali drives Frank to a scenic outdoor destination to have dinner on the hood of the car overlooking a cliff. They giggle and eat red velvet cupcakes made with Splenda since the producers warned Ali that Frank can’t handle the effects of real sugar. She says she adores him because, in her words, “there’s nothing, like, normal about you!” She gives him the rose of salvation, and he sniffs it obsessively thinking he sees white powder inside its buds.
The Bully and the No Brainer
The conflict between Craig M. and the Weatherman was like watching Uncle Scar trying to destroy lil Simba in ‘The Lion King,’ but before we get into that, we must deal with Craig’s need to pick on the inked-out masculinity of Jesse, the dude with a brontosaurus brain.
The encounter goes like so:
Craig M: “I don’t think Ali’s looking for a lot of tattoos, especially the ones on your butt cheeks–did your mother help you out with those?”
Jesse: [grunts]. (The rest of the guys nervously laugh.)
Craig M: “You’re a good looking guy, but that’s all that’s all you got. God, you’re such a young punk. Why are you so upset? I can’t believe you’re this upset!”
Jesse: “Boy, you betta step off, or I’m gonna bust you up gangsta style!”
Craig M: “God I got ‘em going…easy stuff!”
Fearing that Craig M’s hair would attack and suffocate the young buck if they got into a scuffle, a couple of the bachelors jump in between the two and break off the heated moment.
The Bully and the Cub That Could
If you think Craig M. went buck whacky with Jesse, that’s nothing compared to the crazy love he showers on the Weatherman!
Getting dibs from Ali’s behavior last season, the Weatherman pulls the unassuming blond aside to tattle about Craig’s “dangerous” existence. When he gets back to all the boys, they ask how the two’s convo went, and he answers vaguely that things went very swimmingly. Cackling like a hyena, Craig M. retorts: “Are you sure she’s telling the truth? Did she see the shoes you were wearing tonight?!” While the Weatherman fumes like a nascent tornado, Enemy #1 is too busy howling so hard that all we manage to see are blinding white fangs and two black dots for eyes! Devil! Devil!
If that weren’t enough, Mr. Blow Out steals Weatherman’s clothes and sashays around in them, mocking his fashion sense! He’s so hysterical, the guys in the
