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Online dating in the 21st century has replaced the singles bars of the 80’s and early 90’s. The numbers of people who have or are currently trying to find love online is staggering. Over 7 million people per year register with online dating sites to search for their soul mates. What types of people join, you may ask? All types do, or so you would think. However, after a little online dating research of my own, I found that not to be the case for the men, anyways. There were about 10 types of guys and then variations of those 10. Some of you might think I’m generalizing, but you go online and check it out for yourself…you’ll see I’m speaking the truth. The following list includes:
1. The Hopeless Romantic (aka Soulmate Seeker)
This guy enjoys fine dining, picnics in the park, roaring fires on a wintery night, moonlit walks on the beach, traveling, dancing, pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. He’s all about finding “a lady he can adore”, “the one he can drop rose petals in her bath for”,basically a woman he can annoy the hell out of!! How can anybody actually have a relationship with this guy? I just picture myself coming home from work, tired and cranky, just wanting to heat up some leftovers and watch Laguna Beach, meanwhile he’s lighting cranberry scented candles and playing Barry Manilow records. Or , I just want to go to bed, but instead he makes me listen to the latest love poem he wrote to me, the one about how my hair smells like strawberries and how I complete him…oof! A little romance is nice, but too much is sickening.
2. The Player
This guy enjoys going out to bars, sports, hiking, working out, drinking, women, going to concerts, women, foosball, hiking, women, women, and women. He’s the guy who looks too good looking to be on a dating site. He seems too good to be true because he is. His profile will say something like, “I’m sick of the bar scene…”. Translation: I want to find ass online because lately I’ve been getting too drunk to get it up. He is a glorified frat boy. He will love you and leave you just as fast, and you will never hear from him again. When you ask him what time he’s picking you up? He’ll say “I thought I was just coming over to “hang out”? “Hang out” is code for sex. Ladies, don’t fall for it. It’s the same as when people on the Love Boat invite each other in for nightcaps. It’s a baby-makin’ phrase. You will not have a relationship with this guy, and nor would you want one…well, unless you consider doing shots of Jager and playing beer pong until somebody pukes a good night.
3. The Just Your Average Steve
This guy seems familiar because you’ve seen 1000 profiles that look just like his. His name is probably Steve, maybe Bob. He most likely works in computers. He’s moderately attractive, successful, and looking for a nice, average girl to settle down with and have 2.5 kids, a Golden Retriever, and an average-sized yard in a housing development in some generic suburb. He enjoys watching movies, going out to restaurants, going to the occasional Dave Matthews concert, skiing, hiking, and listening to music (anything but country, of course). He’s a decent guy. I imagine the date would be dinner at a decent chain restaurant, like Olive Garden or even The Cheesecake Factory, and then maybe a couple of Bass ales at the local bar. He doesn’t bring a lot to the table as far as uniqueness or charisma, but he’s a nice guy, and if you’ve dated every jerk out there already, and you’re sick of walking in on your boyfriend in bed with your best friend, then maybe this is the guy for you.
4. The Scorned
This guy’s profile looks normal enough, but he hides a deep, dark secret…he’s not over his ex-girlfriend. However, this secret will come to light as soon as you start talking to him. Within the first two minutes of your conversation, he will ask how long ago your last relationship was. He won’t ask because he’s generally interested. He’ll ask because he wants to use it as a springboard to talk ALL about his last girlfriend and how she broke his heart and how she was the love of his life, and he treated her like gold, and how she cheated on him with
