Texas Is the Zipper on Satan's Parachute Pants: 10 Hilarious Blog Posts to Honor National Humor Month
Did you know that April was National Humor Month? Neither did I, but it is true. National Humor month was founded in 1976 by author and humorist Larry Wilde.
I love humor. I love laughing. I don't even care if I get laugh lines, when I am laughing I am having fun. Nothing would make me happier than a real life ROFLcopter or to actually witness somebody laughing their ass off - wait, that wouldn't be funny at all. That would be disgusting. I would like to retract that last thing, but the sentiment remains true. I love comedy and I have a deep fondness for laughter.
The trick here is that humor doesn't always come easy. A lot of people try to be funny and fail. Like the last words of Sir Donald Wolfit: "Dying is easy, comedy is hard."
I've never tried dying, so I cannot verify the first part, but I can certainly attest that writing comedy can be tough. How can a writer possibly know what will be funny to other people? How can we type something so that the reader will have the correct phrasing in their mind when reading it?
What if I think it is funny and everybody else just thinks I am a stupid asshole?
I'm sure that happens to me more than I would like to admit. Fortunately for you guys there are much funnier women writing funny blog posts every single day. Postcards From Yo Momma makes me laugh on a regular basis, KDiddy's Big Love recaps on MamaPop are funny even if you don't watch "Big Love", and everybody loves The Bloggess.
For you laughing pleasure, I have assembled 10 absolutely hysterical posts written by funny women. Enjoy.
10) We Do More to Embarrass Ourselves By 10:00 am Than Most People Do All Day - Stimeyland - Full disclosure: Stimey is my friend in real life, but the reason is this: she cracks my shit up every time I see her. She is equally funny in real life and she is constantly writing things like this:
I imagine that I was having a blood sugar reaction. I have hypoglycemia (and, yes, I know everyone has hypo-fucking-glycemia, but I was actually tested for and diagnosed with it) and hadn't eaten that morning. I think that combined with the unexpected stair climb and that horrible room that seemed to be situated INSIDE THE FUCKING SUN took me down.
...and her visit to the doctor gets worse after that.
9) Been spendin' most my life, ridin' on a gangsta's motorized stair seat - Steam Me Up, Kid - If that title didn't make you laugh, this probably will.
I will drink anything if it has a cherry or some kind of fruit or accessory in/hanging off the glass. You know those plastic monkeys that hang by their tails off the rim? Done. You could fill a martini glass up with phlegm and kitty litter and hang a monkey off the glass and maybe an umbrella, and I'd be all, "Holy crap is this a party or what? This drink sure tastes like vacation!"
All this debate aroused my curiosity, so, parking my bare butt on a mirror, flashlight in hand, I decided to do some research of my own. With one leg behind my ear, having cleared away the cobwebs, I perused the, ah, territory and confess I found no letters of the alphabet in residence in my hoo-hah. Granted, I wear bifocals; I might have missed it. It's possible that it shriveled up and fell out due to inactivity. Or, the Brits could be right, and there never was one.
Texas is the zipper on Satan’s parachute pants.
Deb is one of my favorite bloggers and one of my favorite people. She is also the reason I know what the word sigil means. No, really. I had to look it up after reading this post.
So apparently everyone knows what the mysterious sigil thing is, and apparently it’s a conspiracy against me (AS MOST THINGS ARE) and I feel like I’m watching Mulholland Drive for the first time and everyone else but me understands why tiny old people are line-dancing in a sandwich bag. Whatever. At least it’s a great ‘S” hinge word to use to build off of another word in Scrabble.&
I know what you might be about to say: “But Diana, have a little compassion! Do you understand what kind of pressure she must be under? Have you ever tried to learn a dance in a week with absolutely no idea what you’re doing and some crazy militant teacher losing their shit? It’s difficult!”
Of fucking course I’ve had to do that. I am from a Hardass Asian Family. Come on.
Of course she is kidding, but Diana goes on to tell her own talent show story. I am so glad I never have to be in 5th grade again.
5) Someone get these dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds out of my kitchen! - Fluid Pudding - I met Angela at BlogHer '08. I was already a fan of her blog but since meeting her in person I am absolutely smitten...
Anyway, because I wasn’t thrilled with the decorative red and itchy jean rings, I decided to take 12 weeks to drop the 14 pounds. And this is important: I decided to do it without adding any sort of exercise. Because zero exercise + zero exercise = I get to stay on the couch and knit! You think I’m lazy! You are correct! Don’t ask me to high five you. It might make me palpitate!
...and I like the way she thinks.
4) Pay it Forward, The Grating-est Generation - Jive Turkey - You know those annoying e-mails that your friend's mom or your aunt always forwards to you? People born in 1980 have always had a microwave, my generation drank from a garden hose and didn't die, forward this to 10 strong women and your wish will come true... crap like that? Yeah, well, Jive Turkey got one of those and it pissed her off.
Things/people/events from our respective upbringings are sacred and special (and therefore, THE BEST) because we remember them through the soft-focus filter of childhood, when our lives generally weren’t burdened with things like mortgages, jobs, bills, a Tivo that keeps recording episodes of iCarly for no discernible reason, etc. Whenever I hear someone sincerely refer to the era in which they were raised as “a simpler time,” I want to punch them in the crotch, because OF COURSE IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME, YOU ASSHAT. YOUR UNDERPANTS STILL HAD SUPERHEROES ON THEM.
I took great delight in her disgust...
Actually, you know who said it best? BILLY JOEL, fools. He drove his car into a tree and married an infant, but HE knows the fucking score: “The good old days weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.”
... because that is funny.
3) Star Wherefore Art Thou - Amalah - I know. Including Amy is kind of cheating. It is too easy, she has been consistently hilarious for like 10 years and she is a blogging rock star, but you know why?
Last week Jason and I were outside on the back deck, dueling via the Lightsaber app on our phones. (BECAUSE OF COURSE WE WERE.) "Dueling" mostly entails waving your phone back and forth a lot and pretending to block your opponent's imaginary lightsaber blade. It's kind of like playing on the Wii, only with way less dignity.
Yeah, that is why.
2) Never get into a thumb war with death. Death has really, really long thumbs. - Sweet | Salty - Who can make a bittersweet post about death funny? Kate can.
Kate: I’m not afraid of you, you know.
Death: I know.
Kate: I’ve seen you before.
Death: I know.
Kate: I just don’t like it when you hang around my family.
Death: Not many people do.
Kate: You’re just so damned arbitrary.
Death: Am not.
Kate: Are too.
Death: Am not.
Kate: Oh christ. Stop that.
Death: Oh christ. Stop that.
Kate: Quit copying me!
Death: Quit copying me!
Day One - Sunday...
...So, sex. And then getting dressed and actually running errands. As I'm sitting in the car, on our way to the fabric store, I got a sinking feeling in my guts.
I think I just had sex with a tampon inside of me.
I had the pleasure of hearing Danielle read this post at the Community Keynote session of BlogHer '09. I was crying. I was howling. I was pounding my fists on the table.
Day Two - Monday
I spend the day at school, pushing on my stomach, trying to feel for the cotton alien. I've never had anything in my uterus before, so I'm not sure how I'd even know it was there. Actually, I don't even know if I'll be able to feel my uterus through the layers of muscle, fat, and other organs. Actually, in all honesty, I don't even know where my uterus specifically is, but I imagine it's somewhere in the...middle..part...of the torso. Near the other pipes and tubes that..regulate...stuff.
I've been known to overreact to situations, but I still feel my behavior in this case was justified.
Day Three - Tuesday
Oh god I'm dying.
I've done the thing you should never do when you think there is something medically wrong - I asked the internet.
It just keeps getting funnier. I won't tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that day three is not the last day and if you don't go read it right now your world will not be as happy as it could be. (Wait! Unless you are at work. If you are at work wait until you get home to read it, otherwise your co-workers will hear you laughing and come over to your desk you'll have to explain about Danielle's tampon issues and also admit that you were reading blogs at work.)
I hope you had as much fun reading these as I did digging them up. Enjoy the rest of National Humor Month, even if you aren't American, and feel free to leave me links to posts that make you laugh. I am always up for more comedy gold.
Image Credit: Rubyshoes