10 Moments to Watch for During the 2013 Academy Awards

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Tonight's the night movie fangirls an fanboys wait for every year. You can keep your Golden Globes, your MTV Awards and your Critics Choice Awards of (insert city here), because tonight's the Big Kahuna:  The Academy Awards.

Kind of like the finales of Downton Abbey, we bitch about them, we wail about them, we rip our hair out about them, but still we watch.  Still we watch.

And though details of the show are kept as secret as the plot points of this year's summer superhero flicks, based on the nominees, announced presenters, and strategically leaked tidbits, I have some informed guesses about what we might be in for.

Credit Image: © Richard Harbaugh/The Academy/ZUMAPRESS.com

So here are my 10 Moments to Watch for During Tonight's Academy Awards:

1. When Seth MacFarlane cracks the one joke about an A-lister in the front row that makes the producers think maybe they should've brought Chris Rock back. Yep, it'll be that vicious.  On the flip side, listen up for the joke that compares the torture in Zero Dark Thirty to the length of the Oscar telecast.  Budumbump!

2. When little 9-year-old Quvenzhane Wallis, the youngest person ever nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for Beasts of the Southern Wild, sends her cute quotient through the stratosphere.  Have you seen this kid?  She's like puppies, kittens and ice cream sundaes all wrapped up in a Christmas box with pink, chocolate covered ribbon.  Forget Jennifer Lawrence, I wanna know who Quvenzhane will be wearing.

3. Speaking of Quvenzhane, despite this helpful YouTube tutorial, watch for the butchering of her name throughout the evening.  From the red carpet to the post show parties, the Quvenzhane drinking game will be to take a swig every time someone gets her name wrong.

4. Part 1:  A special Pierce Brosnan Worst Singing by an Actor Memorial Oscar will go to Russell Crowe for his performance in Les Miserables.  The cast of Les Miserables will be singing together for the first time on stage at the show and I can only hope they've conspired to drown Russell out.

4. Part 2:  A special Javier Bardem Worst Hair on an Actor Memorial Oscar will go to Tommy Lee Jones for that frightening growth on his head in Lincoln.

5. When Daniel Day-Lewis wins his 3rd Best Actor Oscar for his riveting portrayal of Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, let's see if he can top his acceptance speech at the SAG Awards when he concluded with:

"It was an actor that murdered Abraham Lincoln and therefore somehow it's only fitting that every now and then an actor tries to bring him back to life again."

If he didn't write that line, I want to meet the writer who did.

6. Part 1:  When Argo wins Best Picture, and as a result Ben Affleck wins as producer of the film, he gives the verbal finger to the Academy for snubbing him in the Best Director category.  

6. Part 2: When Jessica Chastain tops critical darling Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actress in Zero Dark Thirty, she gives the verbal finger to the Academy for snubbing Kathryn Bigelow as Best Director.

7. Seeing which Joaquin Phoenix will show up.  The grungy one who went to the nominees luncheon in spite of recently calling acting awards "the stupidest thing in the world," or the stylish, handsome man we know he can be.  Will he shower? Will he shave?  Will he spit in someone's face?

8. When Meryl Streep runs into Jennifer Lawrence on the red carpet and rips the young chippy's weave right out of her head for that crack at the Golden Globes: "I beat Meryl Streep!"  She's since tried to defend the comment but I say, beat this, Jenny!

9. Part 1:  The James Bond tribute in honor of the series' 50th anniversary, including a joke about the best Bond movies with one word titles, Goldfinger, Thunderball, Moonraker, GoldenEye and Skyfall.  My fantasy is Shirley Bassey singing Skyfall and Adele singing Goldfinger but word is, Adele will sing Skyfall.  Dame Shirley will be in the house so might she not join in?

9. Part 2:  The James Bond villain reunion. Word has it they tried to do a Bond reunion, but Pierce Brosnan, of the awful singing voice, balked so it was scrapped. 

10. Which anatomical part of an actor or actress will have it's own Twitter account by the end of the first commercial break, a la Angelina Jolie's leg last year.

Be sure to follow along on twitter tonight as BlogHer live-tweets the Oscars via @BlogHerPop. Then come back Monday and we'll compare notes.  Enjoy the show!

Christal Roberts is a BlogHer contributing editor. You can follow her on Twitter @ChristalRoberts.

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