10 Things to Never Ever Do on Valentine's Day
Who gives a shit about Valentine's Day?
Well, really a lot of people do. And I would say 50% of those "people" are women. 10% are men who fear they will never hear the end of it if they don't do something spectacular for their woman. 10% are men who just met a woman and are desperately trying to impress her. And the other 30% are gay men in love, like, or lust.
Yes, you'd think that the percentage of women might be higher but it's not really. Ok, yes when females are younger, we care. Who didn't sit anxiously by that paper bag taped to your desk in elementary school, waiting to see the bounty you would reap? "Oh I wonder if Suzie will have those yummy chocolates taped to her cards again this year?" "I wonder if Billy will write something special on his Flinstone's card to me? I Yaba-daba-do like you!" "I wonder if Patty will skip me because she's a jerk?"
Then when we little darlings were in our pubescent glory in junior high, we wondered who would slip a little Valentine into our locker. Yes, you could always count on sweet loyal Wendy, she'd make up hand written cards to all her girlfriends to wish them a great day. Ok, that's great but is Stevie gonna' put a note in my locker? Will he ask me to check a box yes or no if I like him? My 13 year old self had an aneurysm, a myocardial infarction, and a nervous breakdown waiting for the results.
Which brings us to high school. You wondered if your boyfriend would bring flowers to school or tape something romantic to your locker. Maybe take you to a special Valentine's dinner at Howard Johnson's. Nothing says love like fried clam strips or a clamwich, after all. The side effects were slightly less than junior high, no aneurysm was suffered.
College... you hoped for some romance but everybody was just mostly hoping to get laid.
Early 20s? That was a little more fun because now the guys have a little bit of money... and we could get laid. Come on, that's pretty much what it was about at that age and you know it. I had a great Valentine's Day once, I actually got 3 different surprises. I was working at a TV station and first I received a cool exotic contemporary flower arrangement from a guy I had gone on several dates with over the last like 6 weeks. Next I got a dozen roses from a guy that I had a lengthy "complicated" thing with whom I had just left behind when I moved from North Carolina to NY. Then I received a gift bag with a rose, a teddy bear, and something else I can't remember from a guy I had met about 2 weeks before and had gone out with a couple times. That guy would later become my husband. That was my ultimate spoiled princess dream that I will never have again, but it was cool to have just once. :) But to stay neutral and keep my options open and be a good girl, no one got laid that night.
Oh, it was a balloon, the other thing in the gift bag was a balloon. (which I hate but I married him anyway, should have been a sign)
Late 20s and 30s, just married... oh what romantic thing will my husband do? Gotta' send flowers to the office, no ifs ands or buts, it's all about impressing the co-workers. Seriously. Romantic overnight? Aw, ain't love grand?
30s and 40s and divorce. A slight reversion back to high school with a new flame... will he or won't he? With a side dish of college... hope to get laid.
Late 40s... I don't really care. Flowers would be nice. How about just don't make me cook or do the dishes for once?
We'll see what comes next. Maybe the nursing home will be like elementary school but we'll have paper bags taped to our wheelchairs.
However, I do know that at any age there are just a few things you DO NOT WANT TO DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ON VALENTINE'S DAY, unless your goal is to be a complete dick...
DO NOT EVER...