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Sparkle (1)
1. “Take a vacation.”
If I was going to get pregnant from taking a vacation, I think I’d
have quite a large family by now. I live in France, we have FIVE WEEKS
of vacation a year. And let me tell you, we have had some quite
pleasurable attempts at baby-making on many, many of said vacations.
2. “Relax, just stop thinking about it.”
Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems or
cancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no
different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical
explanation.
3. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
‘Just’ adopting doesn’t exist. Adoption is a long and difficult
process. There are many reasons why infertile couples don’t ‘just’
adopt. In our own experience, we did actually begin adoption
proceedings, but after hearing the truth about how difficult it is here
in France, decided that at this time adopting isn’t for us.
‘Just’ adopting in France takes from five to seven years, and less
than five percent of the couples that begin the adoption process
actually have a child in the end. Oh, and in case you think we ere just
being too picky, let me clarify that in our initial paperwork we did
not ask for a newborn and we are completely open to foreign adoption.
We agreed to accept several children from the same family and that the
oldest could be up to nine years old.
Adoption is also very expensive, and with an under five percent
success rate, we decided that our chances of having a child before I am
forty were better with IVF.
When people ask me why I don’t ‘just’ adopt, I’m often tempted these days to ask them why they don’t.
4. “I knew a couple who had given up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant!”
It seems like every ignorant non-infertile knows this couple, who
magically got pregnant after filling out adoption paperwork. I would
like to know, is there a special formula? Should I pay the filing fee
as well and look through the catalogs of children waiting for homes?
Will that help me trick my body more effectively? Maybe I can spin
around in circles while standing on my head and do a rain dance as well.
5. “You’re still young honey, you have time.”
Infertility knows no age.
At twenty nine, I went off the pill, my gynecologist told me after a
year of trying to conceive that we had time. After the second year I
was pregnant, then had a miscarriage, which he took as proof that
‘everything as working’ and told me we had time. At thirty one, two
years after the miscarriage and four years after going off the pill he
finally let me be tested.
I’ll never forget the day he sat me down in his office and explained
to me that I had high FSH and what that meant. ‘Diminished ovarian
reserve’ – he told us that I was very lucky to have been pregnant once
and that we had no time to lose. This was the first time someone
compared my ovaries to a woman over forty. I felt shocked, betrayed.
Everyone had said we were ’so young’. We were young, my ovaries were not.
During this last IVF cycle, we learned that my right ovary is going into menopause. I’m thirty three.
6. “Just don’t be another Octomom!”
I have received this comment more times than I care to admit since ‘coming out’ about the fact that we are going the IVF route.
It makes me cringe every time.
The classic Octomom comment is not only ignorant and inappropriate,
it shuts down all communication between myself and the person who makes
it. I don’t see how I could open up all the difficulty and depth that
comes with doing IVF to someone who is willing to make such an inane
comparison before understanding what we are going through. Comparing a
regular person who seeks IVF to Nadya Suleman is like comparing someone
who is having marital problems to the girl sleeping with her
step-father that you saw on the Jerry Springer Show.
7. “Why don’t you just do IVF?”
Many infertiles do not go the IVF route, for various reasons. Again
‘just’ doing IVF is like ‘just’ adopting. It doesn’t exist. IVF is a
long, arduous procedure. It taxes a woman’s body as well as her
emotions in a way only someone undergoing it can understand. It puts
strain on your marriage, it is very expensive, often not covered by
health insurance, and there is no guarantee on the outcome.
Many people have ethical concerns about the procedure, when it comes
to embryo creation and freezing, and what to do with the little guys
when you don’t need them any more. It is something
