10 Things We Learned from Celebrity Splitsville: 2010
By Morgan Shanahan on December 23, 2010
Last year was a dangerous year to be famous. A-Listers were dropping like... dead celebrities. It wasn't pretty.
This year, the glitterati took a collective sigh of relief as Death turned his cold gaze elsewhere -- only to find that 2010, sadly, was destined to be remembered as the year that [celebrity] love died.
Dramatic, I know. But also totally true. To prove it -- here are ten lessons learned based on ten two headed tabloid monsters who met their bloody end in 2010. Try saying that ten times fast.
Letterman-style, in ascending order of shockery --
TOP TEN CELEBRITY SPLITS OF 2010, AND WHAT THEY TAUGHT US:
10. Al and Tipper Gore
- What we learned: This one ranks #10 because it's a repeat lesson. Didn't the former VP and Mrs. Miss Censorship USA learn anything from MJ and Lisa Marie? You go head to head in a game of tonsil hockey on a nationally televised event, eventually your marriage is doomed.
09. Christina Aguilera and Not Famous Husband
- What we learned: Okay so the dude's name is Jordan Bratman, and I know it -- but can anyone tell me the name of that baldish guy who was married to J.Lo for like a minute pre-Gigli? I didn't think so. Lesson learned: Britney even does a flashier job of marrying and divorcing her backup dancers than X-Tina. And the age-old rivalry continues.
08. Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter
- What we learned: Under no circumstances should you marry your sister. Not even if she just "plays one on TV."
07. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
- What we learned: What didn't we learn? Speidi was a train wreck from the moment those two psychotic opportunists laid eyes on each other. I wonder if they had a prenup. And if not, I wonder if he's entitled to one of her implants.
06. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordengren
- What we learned: Tiger is totally freaky. Also: No matter how much of a giant bag of douche your celebrity billionaire husband turns out to be, do not come after him with a nine iron. (But secretly, that was awesome.)
05. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy
- What we learned: Announcing your split on Twitter is tacky. Even for a guy who rose to stardom singing out of his ass and the chick who was replaced by Carmen Electra on SINGLED OUT.
04. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston
- What we learned: BRISTOL PALIN GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH LEVI JOHNSTON!? WTF Bristol? W.T.F.?
03. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
- What we learned: Neither puppy love nor a holding deal with Disney can last forever.
02. Sandra Bullock and Jesse James
- What we learned: Sandy is kind of a badass. She showed jilted women everywhere how it's done when she cut her beloved out like a funky mole and went through with the adoption process she'd started before her life fell apart. Jesse James, you give Jesse James a bad name.
...and the number one celebrity breakup of 2010....drumroll please....
01. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson
- What we learned: ScarJo isn't as savvy as she seems. What kind of woman shows a newly minted Sexiest Man Alive the door? Oh, Ryan. Her loss is EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN NORTH AMERICA's gain.
So that's it. Actually that's not it. There were quite a few other notable breakups in 2010, like ill-fated Director/Actress pairings Kate Winslet & Sam Mendes, and Rachel Weisz & Darren Aaronofsky, and the surprisingly volatile Melissa and Tammy Etheridge. Oh, and we can celebrate the fact that the gag-inducing Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson union finally ended, while pouring out a 40 oz of Irish Stout in honor of long-time-loves Charlize Theron & Stuart Townsend who called it quits way back in January. Alas, I was limited to ten, and these were the easiest to make fun of.
Plus, I get to further air out my opinions through carefully curated blurbs from the blogosphere.
Anything Hollywood lays down the skinny on a few more of the endless number of notable splits in 2010:
Courteney Cox and David Arquette - Courteney, 46, and David, 39 have been married for 11 years. They have a daughter named Coco Riley. They announced their trial separation on Oct 11, 2010. Do you see them patching things up in the future?
Madonna and Jesus Luz - Not to worry, he’s now a very high-paying DJ in NYC thanks to The Materialistic Girl. As for Madonna, 52, she’s already got herself a new boytoy: another 24-year-old, Brahim Zaibat.
Blake Lively and Penn Badgley – The Gossip Girl co-stars ended their three-year romance back in September.
Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish - The two began dating in 2007 and some say their romance began on the set of “Stop-Loss” while Ryan was still married to Reese Witherspoon. They called it quits in February.
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker – Eva filed for divorce from her NBA husband, Tony in November. Reasons? He’s allegedly been cheating on her.
Celebitchy digs a little deeper into the alleged infidelity that caused the Ryan Phillipe/Abbie Cornish split -- which was totally shocking of course, and not at all a karmic bite to the rear.
Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish have broken up after four years together. Ryan and Abbie’s relationship is thought to have hastened the end of his marriage to Reese Witherspoon. They met on the set of Stop Loss in 2006, when Ryan was still married. Perhaps proving the old adage “if he cheats with you…,” it was rumored back in December that Ryan was cheating on Abbie and macking on random women in clubs. It’s possible they were broken up back then, or that they were having problems and that Ryan was dealing with it the only way he knows how.
[The] story makes it sound like Abbie had to go out of town for work and just naively expected Ryan to be faithful to her while she was away. These two are very private, so maybe they called it quits a while ago and Abbie’s PR people convinced her she needed to let the public know about it. Ryan and Abbie were photographed at an event together at the end of January, though, so I would assume the breakup was recent. I’m thinking Abbie got fed up with Phillippe’s passive aggressive behavior and cheating. Sounds just like what Reese had to deal with.
So tell me - who else's split caught your attention this year? And more importantly, do you think a Ryan Reynolds/Sandra Bullock rebound is in store for 2011?
Morgan (The818) is a blogger and screenwriter living in Los Angeles. She overshares her personal life - complete with curse words - at The818.com, talks art and design over at Cargoh.com, and tweets: @the818.
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