10 Ways to Avoid Those Pre-Teen Meltdowns

I can SO relate to everything you wrote! Just this morning hubby & I were awakened at the break of dawn with a sobbing daughter upset about how life was so awful. This was after a really great, happy and laughter filled past 2 days so we had to adjust to the WHIPLASH affect! I have been so confused by the up/down of how one moment, she doesn't want to be away from me and I'm just the coolest thing ever and the next I'm evil.

My SIL has a toddler and she is bracing for the "terrible two's". I say, give me the terrible 2's ANY day over these terrible tweens. lol

Great tips on managing the madness for. It's good to know we're not the only ones holding on for dear life. And I am DEFINITELY looking for an opportunity to throw my own tantrum!  THANKS!

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I am mom to 11 year old twins, wife to my best friend, online entrepreneur ( www.mommytips.com ( http://www.mommytips.com ) ) and missionary living in Ecuador (or on the road) WHILE homeschooling! ~whew ... I'm tired.

Leighbra, in my case the combinations of "favoritism" get pretty complicated, on account of my son has Asperger's (my daughter constantly accuses us of favoring him, when in fact in private I am much more likely to berate myself for not having appropriate patience for him; it's simply that we hold him to different standards, which in her mind means he "get away with more") and we're also dealing with a live-in stepdad, far-away biodad situation.

I remember the first time my husband stepped in when my daughter was losing it, and he was loving but very firm with her that he didn't want to hear her being so rude to HIS WIFE. It was kind of a landmark moment, both because I'm sure she'd never really considered me as a actual independent human before that, and also because her father had never stood up for me in any situation. Everything kind of stopped and reset.

But since then, my husband and I have had many, many talks about the fragile balance of family dynamics and emotions; my daughter is very quick to be wounded when her stepdad is firm (of the "he doesn't love me" variety), and I don't envy him trying to balance proper discipline and reassurance. It's a minefield!

From a purely psychological perspective it is kind of fascinating to behold it all. In general my ex is much softer on both kids than I am (the privilege of being the visiting rather than custodial parent), but as my daughter moves into more extreme behavior I see him coming down on her in ways that make her believe that we're actually more lenient, which kind of blows my mind. Ah, the joys of having three parents....

Let's all bond together for support. And maybe martinis. ;)

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Mir Kamin (BlogHer contributing editor)
Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )
Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

On about 8 different occasions that I've done this, my beautiful daughter just dissolves into tears and holds on to me while she cries. That's when I realize it isn't about me -- it's about her, as hard as that it to remember.

Oh that's such a beautiful reminder. Our girls are hurting so much sometimes. I remember when *I* was a teen, I read a study showing that not only are teens more apt to pick fights and be miserable to be around, parents of teens are actually less understanding and quicker to pick fights, too. This didn't help my case at ALL when I was 16, but it helps me be objective now.

My daughter will be 12 in March, but we really aren't having any huge problems YET. I think partially this is because we went through a weird stage when she was about 7 that nearly made me give her away to traveling salesmen. It was sterotypical teen drama, screaming, rudeness, name calling, sobbing so ridiculously loud through her bedroom door that it was comical. We fought through all this then, finally realized it was the full day of school, new social situations, and my husband working nights that were throwing her off. Now, I'm thankful that we had such a miserable time then, because she's a more resistant to screaming at me.

Plus if she yells, I put her to work. Usually outside, where she can focus on the task, and breathe a bit.

I will not live in a house like I had to live in when I was a teen. My mother and I didn't stop screaming at each other until I moved out. And boy was I in a hurry to do so.

Am I the only one who hasn't been able to control her laughter when one of her kids starts a tantrum? I feel awful, and they sure don't like it, but sometimes the irony is too much for me. My kids were ANGELS in their terrible twos, so dealing with foot stomping at age 7 and 11, takes me by surprise sometimes!

Another question, does anybody else have the mother/daughter, father/son dynamic where Dad is softer on the daughter while Mom is softer on the son? I find myself getting upset at my husband for being too hard on our son sometimes, and him getting upset at me about our daughter....

Thanks for a GREAT post, I love that our girls are so close to the same age. I can pick your brain! ;)

My oldest daughter will soon turn 14 and we have been in the thick of this for quite some time now. Honestly, the only true coping strategy that I've found to work is simply leaving the scene (compassionately, not angrily) and refusing to engage with her when she is in tantrum mode. We've had doors slammed and items broken but through it all I just try and picture the little girl inside who must be going through a difficult time to be filled with such emotion.

I go into my own room, or my office and work on something. I've found engaging at all just escalates the situation. When she is done, I go and check in and ask her, "You must have been very upset to act like that. Do you want to talk about it or is there something I can do?" On about 8 different occasions that I've done this, my beautiful daughter just dissolves into tears and holds on to me while she cries. That's when I realize it isn't about me -- it's about her, as hard as that it to remember.

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People ( http://dealingdifficultpeople.blogspot.com/ )

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets ( http://www.understandingotherpeople.com/ )

and she's already yelling at me all the time.   I laugh.  A lot.  It makes her mad but it makes me feel much better sometimes...like the time she drew a picture of me with my head chopped off (with lines to show the rolling of my head and everything!).  What else could I do when she handed me that.  Once she realized that I wasn't going to yell, or agree with her, she calmed down and I could explain how very hurtful that note was.  (I also promised to keep it until she was a mother and send it to her when her daughter was being equally hurtful.  I'm mean.)

I'm posting your list on my refrigerator.

I have two girls, 11 and 13. I too have been told it gets worse before it gets better, but according to these same people the magic age is 14. So I sit here waiting ever so impatiently for that magic number to arrive, only 10 more months...and then over 2 years for the other. ACK! 

I have tried each and every one of those suggestions ever since puberty hit. Some of them make it worse, others work. Mostly it depends on the situation at hand and how well YOU are able to gauge the situation, which is sometimes difficult in the heat of an argument. 

I love my girls dearly, but if I ever started drinking, I might not stop! 

I don't have kids but I'm loving this post! My own mother would probably have wished she'd read this years ago when I was a dramatic, sassy teen (I saved my hysterics for the actual teen years...sorta fooled them with uneventful tweens). 

I hope to have kids someday and if I do, I'll be revisiting this article :). 

Karen Siddiqi
http://beingsiddiqi.blogspot.com