The $100 Question: Steph From A Year Of Slow Cooking Asks, "Are You Are A Gossip?"

I am very uncomfortable with gossip and will tell people upfront that I don't want to hear it. When discussing friends, their problems or situations I really monitor what I am saying, as I don't want to hurt others.

Mandy W.

FourAgainstTwo.com

blog wars. I enjoy reading blogs, particularly the "mommy blogs" for several reasons: the recipes, sales and deals at the grocery stores, reviews of toys and household items, etc etc. What I don't like reading is negativity towards other bloggers. I once read a blog where the author didn't like another blogger she met at a conference and kept making remarks about her. I kept thinking "who cares, and why are you broadcasting this"? It eventually turned me off and I stopped visiting that blog.

yes I do gossip! I admit that I do follow Hollywood gossip. I read Us Weekly and People.
I guess I don't mind gossip as long as it doesn't involve my circle of friends.

"Tomorrow is just your future yesterday." Craig Ferguson

I really try hard not to gossip. I have been on the other side of the gossip coin and it is very hurtful.

There tends to be a lot more gossip online than in real life because of the fact that people hide behind their computers. They can get really mean-spirited. The best thing to do is stay out of the gossip mill.

As I've gotten older, I've realized I need less gossip and more good in my life. Mean-spirited gossip tends to drag me down and it also makes me realize that it very well could be me people are gossiping about. I think I'd be very hurt if I discovered people were gossiping about my life behind my back; people who were supposed to be my friends and my biggest supporters. I try to subscribe to the "do unto others" mantra.

Thankfully, most of my friends seem to be like-minded and don't engage in gossip in our group of friends. We always seem to find other topics to focus on and always have a good time together without any mean-spirited gossip.

it is a complicated situation. some years ago i had a situation where, as i remember it, i just listened to someone "vent." the next thing i knew, it had been passed on that i had said these horrible things.

i do think less of someone that gossips. and when they do, i am normally quite guarded with that person. i label them in my mind as "slick and two faces."

can be catching up, staying in the loop. it can also be a form of control. when we were younger and trying to figure things out, it got old when we did not really have a set plan. ie the week before graduation. and having everyone keep asking "what are you going to do" over and over and over. and those questions are really a way of saying that they did not approve of our not having a plan in place. sometimes, one just needs a little space and time to hear ones own voice and do not need the pressure of people butting in and insisting on knowing what is going on.

none of your business !!!

in general (unfortunately, not always), i stop and say something with the idea in mind that the other person might accidentally be in earshot. (only because it has happened, awkward !!)

gossip is not harmless. i know the old "sticks and stones ......." but gossip can damage relationships FOREVER.

there are some people that only seem to be able to feel good about themselves, or feel connected to other people by talking about how low someone is, or by bonding in disapproval.

i want to spend my time developing a strong me and building people up. not trying to create an illusion that is solely based on feeling superior to others. nor do i want friendships that are based on excluding others.

i know what is right and wrong, and no group, woman, or person decides that for me.

in general (unfortunately, not always), i stop and say something with the idea in mind that the other person might accidentally be in earshot. (only because it has happened, awkward !!)

gossip is not harmless. i know the old "sticks and stones ......." but gossip can damage relationships FOREVER.

there are some people that only seem to be able to feel good about themselves, or feel connected to other people by talking about how low someone is, or by bonding in disapproval.

i want to spend my time developing a strong me and building people up. not trying to create an illusion that is solely based on feeling superior to others. nor do i want friendships that are based on excluding others.

i know what is right and wrong, and no group, woman, or person decides that for me.

After reading through the other comments here, it occurs to me that what makes the sharing of personal facts about others gossip (wrongful) instead of a simple sharing of information (not wrongful and often even necessary) is the speaker's motive and purpose. Two friends can talk about a third friend's personal life because they care about that person and want to be sure they do what friends do in order to help if necessary (like intervention in the life of a drug or alcohol abuser), or they can talk about the same thing in a catty, malicious way which has no constructive purpose. Only the latter would be gossip in my book.

I do not consider myself someone who gossips, but have been accused of it once or twice by others (wrongfully, I believe) so it is a topic I deem important and have spent time reading about, reflecting upon.
Why have I at times been wrongfully accused of gossiping? I think it's because some people think that any time you talk about someone else's personal life in a negative fashion, you are engaging in gossip, but this is simply not true (in my opinion).

My Random House dictionary defines gossip as 'idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.' Similarly, a 'gossiper' is a person given to 'tattling or idle talk.' The terms 'idle talk' and 'rumor' signify two very important concepts: 1) that you have no real reason to be engaging in the discussion (the talk is idle and without purpose), and 2) you don't know if what you are saying about the other person is actually true (rumor).

I have at times shared with others something I consider shocking that I have learned about the personal life of a mutual acquaintance, but I always disclose how I learned the information and I only speak if I have good reason to think it is the truth and not just rumor. I do not consider it idle talk because I think it is important for the safety and well-being of the community to have an accurate picture of a person's character, good or bad.

If a individual would cheat on a spouse, then he/she might well do other things which are immoral and unethical -- so if that type of information comes to light (and it is verified fact, not rumor or innuendo) I do not necessarily think it is gossip to communicate the information to others (for example). Not that one should focus on ferreting out or spreading this type of information, I'm just saying.

Yet most of the time if I say anything negative about someone else, it is because it is NOT 'idle talk': i.e., it is an issue which concerns me personally and about which I have to take some action, and that sort of negative commentary can never be gossip if done in the spirit of truth and right action. I get a little passionate about this, because I was deeply hurt once by a neighbor named Ingrid who I thought was my friend until I turned to her for advice in a situation involving mutual acquaintances and because she apparently did not want to learn anything negative about the individuals involved, she extricated herself from the responsibilities of friendship by cutting me off and stating that she 'refused to engage in gossip' with me.

Ingrid and her husband lived around the corner from my first husband and I, and for awhile we were all close friends . . . except it always disturbed me that Ingrid was a horrible gossip: whenever we got together, she loved to turn the conversation to other people who lived in our neighborhood, and in a snide, lowered tone of voice she would share with us each and every bit of sordid rumor or innuendo she had been unable to unearth since the last time we'd seen her. It made me supremely uncomfortable, but I was afraid of 'creating a scene' by openly objecting --so, instead, I learned to simply change the subject: what were her children up to these days, when were we all going to go on a picnic to the Arboretum. . . ..

About a year after I learned how to gently segue Ingrid away from gossipy topics, I had a problem with two close female friends of ours who also lived in the neighborhood. Our four families had become like a neighborhood 'rat pack,' always doing things together and in general becoming very tight -- except that I thought I had begun to experience snubbing from two of them, and I needed to talk it over with Ingrid to get her advice as to whether she thought it was all in my imagination, or if I had somehow done something to alienate these two friends who were very much involved in our lives.

As soon as I began sharing with her the way these two women had hurt my feelings, she callously cut me off, sought to shame me by calling me a gossip, then essentially ran off. I was totally flabbergasted! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, to say the least!

Turning lemons into lemonade, I now see the memory of that personal experience (which at one time wounded me greatly) as an important and treasured morality tale about what is, and is not, actually 'gossip.' It is not wrong to be vocal about real, true things which reflect badly on others, even if it doesn't impact you directly, but it is always wrong to speak from a motive of malciousness or envy (Ingrid, for example, was highly envious of people who made more money than she and her husband, and she loved to speak disparagingly of how they were spending it).

Similarly, it is always wrong to represent rumor and untruth as fact, even if it is a situation which involves you personally, and this is the gist of the Commandment to 'not bear false witness against your neighbor.' When you knowingly present rumor as fact, then you are bearing false witness -- and I am sure that is why gossip is the type of speech which is strongly suspect and should not be encouraged.

Diane Stranz

Of course, I'm a gossip. I think everyone is to a certain extent. In my circle of friends I try to remember to just change the subject or redirect the conversation if it turns to gossip but it's hard.

I LOVE to gossip even though it makes me feel icky even as I am doing it! In Hebrew it is called l'shon hara (the evil tongue) and I have to bite mine, physically bite it, to stop. I have gotten so much better in the past few years though. I think before I speak and try not to share unless I am so burdened by the information that I cannot concentrate on anything else without letting it fly.

Listening to l'shon hara is just as bad a speaking, so those of you who do not wish to appear prissy, fear not. You are doing the right thing. You can soften your refusal by saying it's something you too are struggling with--"It's fun, but it makes me feel bad, so I'm trying to cut back"--and people should understand.

Nupur @ One Hot Stove ( http://www.onehotstove.blogspot.com/ )

I try hard to keep the conversation to neutral topics and steer the subject away from gossip but occasionally do slip up and talk about someone while they are not in the room. I am lucky- none of my friends tend to gossip.

No I'm not a gossip, because I never know what is going on! I guess I have taken myself out of the loop being so busy with work and family.

I have gossiped in the past and may again in the future. But recently, I didn't. I wrote on my post:

Have you ever had a tidbit or a big-bit of gossip that was so delicious, so wicked, so full-of-places for you to be judgmental and tsk-tsk that you could hardly wait to tell it to somebody? Such has been my condition for the past week. After I heard the juciness that was dropped on me, unbidden I might add, two thoughts struck me simultaneously:

Oooh-oooh-oooh!
What good would it possibly do to share this gossip?
Hmmm. The second thought stopped me in my tracks.

"Okay," I said to myself. "Swallow. See, that wasn't so hard. You 're strong. You can keep it to yourself."

This worked for a few hours until the urge to share it bubbled back up to the surface.

Maybe I’ll just tell my husband. He knows the principals in the story. I could share…if I dare.

"Yeah," other inner-voice said, but, even with him, "What good would it do to share? It’s a sad piece of human conduct and you don't need to be part of spreading yet another tale of someone you know doing something bad, naughty, stupid and despicable."

That makes perfectly good sense, really, it does, but, let me tell you, it's been a struggle. I’ve been wrestling with it.

It’s so, well, gossipy.

Surely I would be given a free-pass to tell my husband. Right?
I mean husbands and wives are supposed to share everything - aren't we?

So far, I haven’t told him yet. If he reads this blog-entry and asks me about the gossip, I'll...I'll...just say no.

---
It's a dilemma. My husband and best friend think we should share everything. I think it's gossiping even if it is just telling someone as close as the them.

Also, sometimes there's positive gossip and surely it should be spread. Right?

http://blog.candelariasilva.com ( http://blog.candelarisilva.com/ )

Good and plenty!

I gossip some, I'm not perfect! But I don't make a habit of it.

It can be uncomfortable when others gossip about a mutual friend or co-worker. I usually handle it with a non-committal "really?". That lets them know I am listening, but I am not necessarily agreeing with what they are saying.

I am not a gossiper. I don't like gossip, and would like my friends to feel that they can talk to me about anything knowing fully well it will stay just between that person and myself. I don't even tell my husband most of the conversations that I have with our friends. I shut down the conversation real fast on-line by just stating I am not going there, or won't answer the emails etc.

This is not to say I have been perfect in this area, no not at all, but I learned a long time ago how gossip can really come back to bite you. And when it does it can hurt.

For me, gossiping is like having too many margaritas. I only do it occasionally; it seems fun at the time; I always feel terrible afterward; and then I vow never to do it again.

I must say, gossiping seems to be much less prevalent in larger metro areas vs. small towns. The small town I grew up in is gossip central. No one can get a hair cut or put up a new fence without everyone talking about it. Since I'm in a larger metro area, not everyone knows each other so there's not much to gossip about.

www.quinoaandcornchips.blogspot.com ( http://www.quinoaandcornchips.blogspot.com )

I am a part of a very close trio of women. We've been friends for almost 2 decades and we're very close and very supportive of each other. We all have crazy schedules so there are frequently times when only two of us are present. When that occurs we tend to talk about the other however the tone is more supportive and concern than gossip. For instance one of us has a deep inability to say no, so the other two work out strategies for relieving some of the pressure. One of us dipped her toe into an abusive relationship and the other two spent long phone calls discussing ways to protect her until she was able to see what was happening and protect herself. I don't really see that as gossip, and I'm diligent about not saying anything critical behind someones back. it's more effective when you actually speak to them about it anyway.

is it fair game to stick to celebrity gossip? I do enjoy my E! news... :-)

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com

There's no avoiding gossip in any friendship circle. We are women, and unfortunately it's one of our flaws.
I think you have to be a positive influence, turn the conversation around, and then confront the issue privately if warranted.

Jen

Mama 2 Quadruplets

www.murraycrew.blogspot.com ( http://www.murraycrew.blogspot.com/ )

Sadly I think that's my worst vice! It's so fun to gossip. However, when it comes to gossip within a group, it's a no-no. We need to lift each other and buoy each other up, not tear each other down.

hot parenting topics run rampant within circles of friends, whether online or IRL. I agree with you that many of the more toxic conversations stem from insecurity. Becoming a parent, and knowing that you are IN CHARGE of all decision-making makes even the most confident person a little nutsy.

I'm glad you worked out your preschool scheduling conflict!
--steph

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com

I like that you answered your own questions. I do that too. :-)

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com

I think catching family members up to speed about siblings, etc. is just "keeping them in the loop."

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com

In my friendship circle, we aren't gossip girls. We find no point to spread rumors. We respect whomever we meet and hope others do the same.

Most of my conversations with women happen with my mom and sisters. I never considered it gossiping, but we do spend a lot of time talking about people within our family. I think of it as catching up on the lives of people that I dearly love. If anything negative comes up, it's expressing genuine concern for things that they're going through.

starvingstudentsurvivor.blogspot.com

I am thankful I don't really experience Gossip in my group of friends. if anything it is a comparison over each other's choices (preschool or not,potty training early or late, formula or breast milk, booster or 5pth harness)

Personally, I think the comparison and competition come from insecurities in ourselves and questioning ourselves as good mothers. Sometimes I question my friends choices, but I think we have learned to talk about it with each other instead of to our other friends.

an example...I send my children to preschool MWF. I had 2 friends switch this year to T/TH classes. They made the choice for financial reasons, and 1 was her first year at preschool and wanted to star out on a 2 day. But you can imagine the "scheduling" conflicts with mine in school MWF, and these friends in school T/Th. I was frustrated for a long time...thinking "she just totally disrupted out ability to have playgroups, lunch, etc...we will never see them now" While it is still challenging, I found that by just telling her what I was feeling helped it a ton.

So we have learned to talk to each other instead of about each other. :)

Mama Llama! 
Come graze with our crazy Herd!

www.littlellamas.com ( http://www.littlellamas.blogspot.com/ )

Actually, IRL I don't have any friends who gossip - (which in my book is the act of talking about someone who's not actively in that conversation, even if the talk is of the "innocuous" variety; I just really don't like this and am not pleased when it's done to me) and I don't notice much of it online. The only real gossip offender in my life is my mother, who canNOT get through a conversation without numerous references to people who are not there. I have grown so weary of her denials about doing this that I basically just don't talk to her anymore!

It's rough. Do I wish it could all stop, especially on the mom-blogs? Hells yes. Do I like to think I am never a participant? Delusionally yes. Do I like to think that *my* "minor" gossip here and there isn't *actually harmful*? Even more delusionally yes. Could I just not do it, full stop? No.

sandy vincent

I try my hardest not to gossip. I think it is unattractive and harmful.

I really try to stay out of gossip online and IRL. Gossiping never ends up good and often ends up bad.

I try not to be, but we all slip sometimes and pass on that juicy tidbit.

I've been fascinated lately by this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

I would never consider myself a great mind, but this quote really resonated with me, since I feel quite strongly that people (me. I'm talking about me, mostly) should continue to grow and evolve throughout their lives.

Because of this, I sometimes get impatient with friends/acquaintances if gossip seems to be the primary way they relate to me. I try my hardest to not engage, and to change the subject when a friend starts to share info/details about another person that really isn't any of my business.

Except I feel bad about this! I worry that I then come across as snobby and superior when I refuse to engage in gossipy behavior, because, quite frankly, that's what groups of women do. They gossip. And it's not deemed polite to start talking about big ideas like planning for your future, goals and dreams, religion or politics. So we go back to dishing.

and then I feel icky.

ack!!!!

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com