The $100 Question: Tell Sabrina From Slice Of Lemon If You Keep Or Lose Friends Who Hate Your Mate

I don't think a person who requires someone to like everyone she likes is worth keeping as a friend.

I greatly dislike several of my friends' husbands, but BECAUSE we are friends, none of us push the issue.

It seems very childish to get all in a wad because a friend doesn't like your husband. To dump a friend because she doesn't like the man of your dreams is downright babyish, and possibly a defense mechanism against something you don't want to admit, yourself. There are people in my life who don't like my husband, and I couldn't care less. Their tastes are none of my business. I don't hang out with friends because we have identical tastes.

Besides, when I'm hanging out with my friends, our husbands don't even exist. :)

Insecurity, thy name is friend-dumper.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

like the one auntiethesis (like your handle btw, very clever) described. It wasn't that my friend "hated" my dh, just that she was jealous that he was taking time away from our lunches and shopping expeditions. Admittedly, in the beginning I did spend a lot of time with my bf, but after a while I did spend with my friend. She was a bit snide to my fella, and it did cause friction. But eventually she did find a bf herself and even got married first! So things are a lot better between us.

and it is no fun. It was very difficult at the time, especially since the reason this particular friend did not like my fella was because of superficial reasons that had nothing to do with his character. I was really surprised since this friend was supposedly a "liberal" openminded person--yet ultimately she reserved her liberal tendencies for her views on politics, not real life.

... because she doesn't like my mate? Never. Men come and go but girlfriends are forever. If your friends don't like your mate, there's more likely something wrong with him than with them.

I believe I would remain friends with whoever disapproves of my mate. I would make sure not to let the two mingle much, but I can't give up a friendship solely based on preferences. I trust that my mate would be mature enough to allow the friendship to go on. Of course, if the disagreement is beyond just a dislike, I would investigate it a bit to figure out why it is that way and follow my reason while communicating my feelings to both parties. If it's beyond repair, I may have to drop one or the other!

Beauty inspires imagination, but wisdom restrains it!

It would depend how long we'd been friends and what kind of friendship we had and how my friends would choose to express their thoughts regarding my husband.

We all have our opinions and if they are shared in a fair and loving way, I might keep their words in my heart and allow them the respect of their opinion if it was kept only among us and they did not try to force their opinions on me in reality I'm sure a lot of friends don't always trust or like the partners chosen and in long and deep friendships those feelings can be shared.

This was quite an interesting question...

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

Nupur @ One Hot Stove ( http://www.onehotstove.blogspot.com/ )

It would totally depend on what friend we are talking about. If it is a friend who is not close to me and who has met my mate once a couple of times, their opinion barely matters to me. But if a close friend who gets to know my husband well speaks up, I will sit up and listen.

I was in this predicament a number of years ago with an old boy friend & over time I ended up dumping the whole works. Him & the friends!

I would like to say that it wouldn't make a difference to me, but I think that it would naturally create a distance between friends. I don't like negativity and don't like to be around people who make me or others feel bad.

if both love me they would have to like each other, or it would be disrespecting me.

Not that anyone would have a reason to hate my mate, but if someone presumed to dislike my husband of 10 years, then I'd drop her like a flaming bag of poop. I'm married to him, so anyone that doesn't accept him is rejecting me, as well.

I wouldn't be so adamant about accepting someone I hadn't made a commitment to, of course. Friends' opinions in the early stages of a relationship mean something very different.

If your friend(s) do not like your chosen special someone, I think in time you will find that friends who do not care for the company of your significant other will go by the wayside. To maintain a friendship you must spend time together and time is precious. Are you going to spend your precious time with some who openly doesn't care for your loved one so that you must compartmentalize your life and keep the two as far apart as possible? No! You are going to lose the friend who doesn't like your mate.

Since taste in friends and lovers is such an individual thing, how can we hold friends responsible for their feelings about our mate? Our taste and our friends' taste can be completely different. I would be tactful with both and let it be an "agree to disagree" situation. And I'd make it clear I'd want to hear no disparaging of either by the other. In fact, I've been through this exact scenario.

If the people that you are friends with don't respect your choice of your mate are they really your true friends? Are they really mature? If I was dating someone my friend didn't like I would try to find some way they could connect, try to find something they have in common. If I can't then at least I tried.

While I would really like to be the kind of person that has room for everyone's likes and preferences, in reality life is too short to keep friendships at the same level if there's friction about your relationship. No matter how you love your friends,your mate is the person sharing your life (or with whom you intend to share a life). Divided loyalties can eat at you, and why cause yourself needless pain?

If you're just dating a sleaze, secretly know it and don't care, then your critical girlfriends are what you need around you. Let them pick at the relationship. You know they're right.

This situation has never happened to me--my hubby is a pretty likable guy--but I think if it ever came down to that, I think the friend would have to go. If they were constantly belittling him or my choice, I think it would be hard to respect her as a person and want to be around her.

so, I'd say that I would continue to be friends with friends who didn't like my spouse. after all.. who is married to them? them or me? :)

i do see that occasions may arise where there would be quarrels between the friends about the spouse at some point another. why? because if one person genuinely doesn't like the other.. there is only so much they can hold in. eventually something intentionally or unintentionally may slip out and offend Me (aka the one married to him) and that would probably cause depending on the severity of the comment ties to be cut.

I don't think you can maintain a genuinely close relationship with someone who *actively* doesn't like your partner. But if they more or less keep that dislike to themselves, I think you can have a friendship. That friendship may not be your closest, however. Active dislike of your partner, that persists beyond some singular intervention (like for instance disliking your partner because they are abusive to you) would poison most friendships, I'd expect.

This is always a difficult one to answer. Typically, a woman chooses a man over her friend. I have realized that in the age of divorce that maybe we should listen to our girlfriends more and maybe we would choose better mates.

Danielle

www.mommyexpectations.com ( http://www.mommyexpectations.com )

@Dani_Zaz (twitter)

I don't think the answer to this question is an easy one... I always consider the opinions of my friends. So in that case, i think the answer depends on whether you have one friend that dislikes your mate for some over-sensitive reason or numerous friends that hate your mate for good, solid reasons.
I have a friend that consistently dates sleaze-bags. Her current man is the king of all sleaze. Almost every one of our friends has mentioned their discomfort around him at one time or another yet it still doesn't phase her. Shouldn't a consistent disapproval from all of your friends make you think... hmmm.. Maybe he's not a top notch man?

I got involved with a guy that my friends disapproved of. Not a single family member/friend liked him, but they were very tactful and tried not to dampen my happiness. On my part I fully intended to keep all my relationships normal, if separate. However my intentions had nothing to do with reality and the reality is that having my friends/family dislike my boyfriend naturally put up a wall between us.

I think naturally it'll come down to who you spend more time with. If they dislike each other and you spend more time with your friends/family, a wall will come up between you and your partner. If you spend more time with your partner, then slowly but surely you'll get detached from people who dislike him.

i have posted about this before..
http://jennnster.blogspot.com/2008/09/can-you-be-f... ( http://jennnster.blogspot.com/2008/09/can-you-be-f... )

but i don't think you can. in all honesty, i had a gf who didnt' like my husband and i personally couldn't get past that. things would never be the same because we couldn't have a normal relationship. your husband should be a HUGE part of your life, and if you have to pretend like that part doesn't exist.. or if you can't talk about that part.. the friendship can't possibly be fulfilling or 100% real because you're leaving vital things out. you know?

so i don't think it can be done. and it exhausts me to think about what a pain in the ass it would be to try.

A whole lot depends on what 'doesn't like your partner' really means. I've had friends who were poisonously envious in general, and this manifested in a spiteful disdain for whomever I was dating. Those friendships ended because of the spite, not the dislike of my partner.

Then there are the friends who have my best interests at heart, but who can't necessarily make good decisions for me. I've noticed that the boilerplate 'feminist' advice for anyone who is having difficulties in a relationship is "Dump him!" This may sound brave and strong and supportive, but it's not always practical or helpful. Healthy relationships aren't problem-free; working through problems is what they're all about.

I keep these friends, because they love me. I just set boundaries about what we discuss and how we discuss it.

http://ohprettylady.blogspot.com

I would maintain the relationship, but not force the relationship between my friend and my spouse, and I would not condone bad mouthing of either one by the other.

Yea, I'd still be friends with them. I'd wonder about why and it might bother me, but I have friends who's mates I truly dislike and for good reason, but that doesn't mean I want the friendship to end.

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a gentleman that I cared very deeply about. Unfortunately my best friend in the world was totally opposed. She did not like Todd at all. Five years we struggled with whys and why not of the relationship I was in. When that relationship abruptly ended I was heartbroken but one thing that still stood was my relationship with my best friend. She was the one there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and help me get through the hurt.
So ... my answer is: I would not give up a friendship because my friend did not approve of/like my partner.

I have been on the other side of the issue. I had a best friend in high school who married someone that I didn't approve of. He was twice her age and a recovering alcoholic with a teenaged son. For a girl in her early 20s, I felt she was taking on a lot. I didn't discourage her, but I found it hard to talk about him, and we were never really close after that. I hear from her just occasionally now.

I'm lucky that my friends all like my husband (some of them might like him better than me!). But I guess if I were faced with that issue, it probably would create a rift between me and my friend.

I am really loyal to my friends, and could never dump them for my significant other. Sometimes hearing their honesty is hard especially when you like someone a lot, but friends will always be there, guys come and go.

Ugh, I'm living this question right now. I don't think it's a matter of my friend not liking my husband personally..I think she's just jealous because I can't jet off for a weekend adventure with her because I'm spending weekends with my husband. My husband and I work opposite shifts so the weekends are the only times we have to spend together. While he's never said I can't go off for a girls' weekend..I don't want to. I'd rather spend time with my husband and work on our fixer-upper house together. I don't think my friend understands that and that's my fault.

She's been making little snide comments on Facebook to my husband and he's noticed. It's getting to the point that I'm going to have to step in and either settle the matter or step on our friendship. If talking it out doesn't work and she continues, then our friendship is over. I love and respect my husband too much to let her cut him down all the time.

I have experience both scenarios where I have kept friends who did not like my significant other and ones where I did not stay friends. I think that it depends greatly on the intent of your friend. I have some very good friends to this day that hated a past boyfriend. I should have hated him too, my friends had my best interest at heart. I also have friends that I currently do not have any contact with at all. These friends were jealous and toxic to my relationship. (I live in Utah) There is a poisonous atmosphere here that if you're not married by 23, all will end. I think that causes some situations where a friend sees another friend moving towards marriage, gets jealous and does anything to ruin the relationship. Those friends are not worth the time or energy to maintain their friendship.

www.einsteinonthebeach2.blogspot.com ( http://www.einsteinonthebeach2.blogspot.com )

Don't hate us for not telling...far too often, we've told someone before and lost a dear friend. But always feel free to ask us our opinions...or concerns...or worries about your/your relationship...and we'll find a way to kindly share, to the best of our ability.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

a spouse is a big part of an individuals life. Choosing to marry a particular man or woman says a lot about ones personality. If you have problems with that, you can leave my friend circle and i can find new friends :) so to answer the question yes i would have to reconsider friendship if someone has even the slightest bit of issues with my man. Thats a part of me, if you cant like that then eventually our friendship will diminish as time, parties, get togethers, hang outs, and other ups n downs of life pass by.

Keep the friendship. Separate. Girl gab time, without spouses. Where support for each other is the priority, without discussing whether or not one likes the others spouse. I've seen far too many unhealthy relationships for me to let someones spouse determine anything. It's my friend and her behavior which determines whether or not she and I are friends. I can smile and keep my opinions about her spouse to myself. And she has every right to not like my significant other. There's no need to let me know. We can still be friends.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

As a girl in college and not yet married, I will often listen to my friends opinions initially but every so often there's a connection that a friend cannot see or accept due to the person.
I try to hang with them separately at that point rather than choosing one over the other.

Krissy
Thinking-of-blue.blogspot.com

I'm being totally honest when I say - I've never met anyone who doesn't like my husband. He is MUCH nicer than I am!!

Nancy

http://teachingsundayschool.blogspot.com
http://www.abridescookbook.com/blog
http://www.givitup.com
http://onlinestoregivitup.blogspot.com
http://thenestempties.blogspot.com

it depends on the friend, if they do not like my spouse but keep it to themselves and do not let it affect our friendship then i do not see a problem with us still being friends. on the other hand, if she becomes toxic to my relationship then i have no choice but to end that friendship. my relationship/mate come first, always.

Personally, I feel if my friends don't approve of the man I am married to, then I don't want to be friends with them. I don't think it's right to push him on them and I don't think it's right that they tell me they don't like him. That's their problem, not mine. If they can't be grown up enough to keep a civil tongue in their heads, then why should I maintain a toxic relationship with them? What would be the point.

Look, I'm like anyone else out there who wants to have friends. But not at the expense of making my man feel unwanted. No thanks.

I'm more into having my immediate family liking (or loving, rather) my choice in spouses more than I am worried about my friends. Friends come and go, but family is forever. 'nuf said.

Donna

It depends. She could not like my boyfriend and respect my relationship OR she could not like my boyfriend and NOT respect our relationship. The difference is what she does with that opinion. Does she keep her opinon to herself and only offer it whenw welcomed or when my life is in danger or does she constantly bring drama to our friendship by constantly throwing her opinion of my boyfriend in my face and creating drama when he is around.

At the end of the day, everyone (including my girlfriends) is free to feel the way they choose and have any opinion that they choose. However, they should always respect my personal decisions and their actions should demonstrate the same. She doesn't have to like him, but at the same time she needs to show him and our relationship respect. The best girlfriends know how to "be supportive" and supply their opinion when saught. It's as simple as that.

J. M. Tardy@jtardy26

www.JenniferTardy.com ( http://www.JenniferTardy.com )
Author of His Ingredient Label: A Woman's Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food Man

I don't think I could maintain a friendship with someone who didn't like my husband, just for the fact that we do so many things together. I wouldn't want to have a friendship with someone where I felt I had to purposely and regularly leave him out. Fortunately he is a likable fellow and I've never had to make this decision!

I'm lucky to have had friends who love my partner, but HE had some friends who didn't like me (for reasons that had almost nothing to do with me personally), and although he kept giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to make it work, there came a point when he was all Give and getting nothing back. He said goodbye forever to one friend in particular (his former best friend, actually) when she told him she was glad we'd had a miscarriage because she didn't think we were ready to be parents. WHO SAYS THAT? Needless to say, we don't miss her.

i think your best friends who know you better than anyone have an obligation to be honest with you if they are worried about an unhealthy relationship pattern taking place.

i remember dating a not so nice person and people telling me after the fact that they suspected indiscretions/knew i deserved better, etc... i was like "why didn't you tell me earlier?!?!?!)

true friends look out for you and tell you what you don't want to hear also.

follow me on my journey of baby catching and vagina inspecting @ Chaotic Calm: A life of love and medicine ( http://chaoticalm.blogspot.com/2010/03/nine-months... )

I'm not sure if I'd be able to maintain a friendship with someone who didn't like my mate. The last time I dated someone my best friend hated (she literally hated this person), our friendship suffered. I felt like I was being forced to choose between the two.

Even if my friend agreed to not speak ill of my mate in front of me and also be respectful, I'd always know how she really feels...and it'd be difficult for our friendship to survive.

Irendi

My husband and I have some "couple friends" who we both enjoy, and then friends that we don't socialize with together. I think that's completely normal - we work in wildly different fields and our interests aren't always harmonious.

(He's terrified of Blogging Laydees.)

If there was someone in my life who actively despised my husband, I don't think I could maintain a friendship with them. Maybe a "facebook friendship" but for people who are intimate friends, I only want to surround myself with people who respect those I love. They don't have to love who I love, but I don't want to spend time or energy on people who offer my spouse disrespect.

The Circus is in town! ( http://www.threekidcircus.com ) Kid Vs. Produce ( http://www.kidvsproduce.com )

sandy vincent

I don't know that any of my friends hate my mate, but I think if they did they would no longer be my friend.

Keep the friends. Why? So many of my friends do not even know my husband except through me. Sure, we all talk about our spouses, but most of the time we don't really know them except through our friends.

My friends all love my husband... at least they've never given me any reason not to think that. I've never thought about it, but if they didn't really like him it would put a strain on the relationship -- but I suppose we could still meet sans spouses. I'm just thankful that I consider my husband's friends mine and vice versa.

Been married ten years - no one I know dislikes my husband except, well, my dad, who I really by necessity have to "keep." So, as I would with a very good friend, I keep the two things/people/opinions very, very separate in my life and it seems to be okay.

I would keep my friends but I would try to have as lil' interaction between them as possible so as not to ruffle feathers.

Sistuh Gurl is a Contributor to Three Boys and an Old Lady

Keep it civil. If the friends don't like them, they can keep their distance from that person.

I think eventually this would put a strain on the friendly relationship so at some point I think the friends would go their separate ways. That is life.