101 Excuses For Not Going To BlogHer 2013

It’s the blogging social event of the year. Anyone that’s ANYone will be there rubbing elbows with the wannabes, the blog-stalkers, and the whack-jobs admiring their blog crushes from across the room. And they won’t be doing it only at lectures, classes, speaking events and book signings. Oh no, there’s also gonna be dinners, cocktail parties, after hours toga parties, naked hot tub debauchery, illicit affairs with a loin-cloth clad masseuse named Sven, and the good Lord knows what else. It’ll make Comic-Con look like a weekend at Disney without the drugs and alcohol.

So, what do you say when you find yourself in that awkward situation when one of the blogging snobs asks you why YOU aren’t going to BlogHer ’13? Never fear, I got ya covered! Here is a handy list of excuses you can use to explain why you’re like the other 1% of us that aren’t or can’t go. Use one or use them all! They’re free, for a limited time only.

1. Bubba-Joe says I cain’t go cuz he ain’t gonna watch our young’uns cuz they ain’t got no discipline. They’s heathens.  

2. Hosni Mubarak has asked me to assist him with his blog make-over and I just can’t get away.

3. I don’t associate with riff-raff.

4. I couldn’t come up with the bail money I’d need if I hung out with Julie DeNeen.

5. Blogging conferences are SO last year. I’ve decided to become a Trial Junkie.

6. I don’t need a lame conference, I got my shizz goin’ on!

7. Grumpy Cat told me he’d hate me if I went.

8. My fur babies can’t live that long without me.

9. I gave up blogging for Lent.

10. If I could figure out how to take my ankle bracelet off without my parole officer finding out, I’d be all over it.

11. The People of Walmart have asked me to do a photo shoot for their “Big Booty Diva” expose.

12. “The Wolverine” is opening that weekend and I can’t miss it!

13. A blogging conference? Sounds like a total waste of money! What are they gonna teach that I can’t find online for free?

14. I’d go if they had an all you can eat & drink option.

15. I’m anti-social and large crowds cause me to curl up in the fetal position and beg for something to suckle.

16. I don’t have anything to wear!

17. Its Sandra Bullock’s birthday and I have to stand outside her mansion with a birthday cake in case she’s lonely and invites me in.

18. I hate blogging. I hate blogs. And I especially hate nosey bloggers asking questions about crap that doesn’t concern them. Go away!

19. I’ll be too busy blogging about why I’m not going to BlogHer 2013.

20. I have to wash my hair.

21. The cable guy is supposed to be at my place sometime between 10am and 7pm on a day of his choosing.

22. My husband is having a vasectomy and will find any excuse to act like the world’s most pathetic cry baby.

23. I didn’t grow a vagina to tell my husband I wanted to go.

24. Oh, is it this year? I thought it was next year!

25. What is this thing you call blogging? Are you racial profiling me?!

26. Are you kidding? A weekend away from the husband and kids? No way in hell am I leaving them alone. The governor would have to call out the National Guard three hours after I left to contain the rioting.

What’s your excuse for not going to BlogHer 2013? And if you ARE going, what one thing are you most excited about? Spill it in the comments! And if you’re really curious to find out what’s going on behind the locked doors, check out The Sadder But Wiser Girl; she’s got the inside scoop on all the happenings.

 

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