11.17.11

I'm quitting.  I wanted to blog every day, thought it would be good for my creative brain but this is not the month for it.  I'm hurting, really hurting.  My pride is bruised.  I don't like being called foolish, brainwashed, manipulated. Last night I said to J, "The Bible says 'love thine enemies,' but it should say 'love thine enemies even when they call you stupid.'"  I need that codicil.  I don't feel much compassion right now, even though I know the comments and negativity come from a place of deep emotional pain.

I ache for my midwife.  She hurts for me.  I want people to understand our relationship, the friendships she builds with her clients, but I can't because hearts and minds are closed.  I need to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall.  

I feel guilty and ashamed for sharing Charlotte's story.  I know this blog has helped others, and it's been a large component of my healing, but now it's causing pain.  I never wanted that. 

I snapped at J last night because I am sad and hurt.  That's not okay.

B needs me.

And J needs me.

Happy, confident, calm, not angry or bitter.

This morning I never want to blog again.  I know this feeling will pass.  I'm just really, really hurt.  

I need to sit with my grief, find forgiveness, rediscover peace.  

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