I'm quitting. I wanted to blog every day, thought it would be good for my creative brain but this is not the month for it. I'm hurting, really hurting. My pride is bruised. I don't like being called foolish, brainwashed, manipulated. Last night I said to J, "The Bible says 'love thine enemies,' but it should say 'love thine enemies even when they call you stupid.'" I need that codicil. I don't feel much compassion right now, even though I know the comments and negativity come from a place of deep emotional pain.
I ache for my midwife. She hurts for me. I want people to understand our relationship, the friendships she builds with her clients, but I can't because hearts and minds are closed. I need to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall.
I feel guilty and ashamed for sharing Charlotte's story. I know this blog has helped others, and it's been a large component of my healing, but now it's causing pain. I never wanted that.
I snapped at J last night because I am sad and hurt. That's not okay.
B needs me.
And J needs me.
Happy, confident, calm, not angry or bitter.
This morning I never want to blog again. I know this feeling will pass. I'm just really, really hurt.
I need to sit with my grief, find forgiveness, rediscover peace.