12 Mother's Day Gift Fails


    Many mothers wake up on their special day in happy anticipation of what's to come. Perhaps the kids will bring them breakfast in bed and their husbands will surprise them with a dozen roses or a box of imported chocolates. In a perfect world, their special day will echo all the sentimental Mother's Day cards sold at Hallmark.


     When my children were young, I cherished their handmade cards filled with loving sentiments of appreciation. As they grew older, the gifts became more creative, especially when working on a tight budget. This included anything sold from an 800 number, such as an Elvis head Chia pet, ShamWows and Ped Eggs.


     My kids know that all I need on Mother's day is their love and oodles of hugs. They also know that any of the following gift fails, no matter how nicely wrapped, will land them in the dog house. For life.



1.  A cow print muumuu with matching hoof slippers and a place for Mom's udders.


2.  Subscription to Old Farts Monthly magazine complete with scratch and sniff tabs.


3.  Give Mom a diamond necklace, not a Life Alert necklace.


4.  Don't offer a Groupon for vaginal reconstructive surgery unless your mother tells you that her lady parts resemble two stingrays swimming side by side.


5.  A can of Ron Popeil's Spray On Hair for Mom's bald spots.


6.  Five free Kegal sessions with Dr. Uso Tyght for bladder control.


7.  Dinner at the Sir-Chews-Not diner for the Sunday Special on spam and spinach smoothies. Leave Mom's dentures at the door.



8.  Your mother deserves flowers from a florist, not your handmade bouquet of ragweed and dandelions with a hint of poison ivy.


9.  A gift certificate for three classes on "How To Turn Your Pool Into A Jacuzzi Through Flatulence."


10.  Mothball Eau De parfum.


11.  A one year supply of Dry As A Bone vaginal lube.


12.  If you're giving your mum candy, make sure the label says Godiva chocolates, not the cheap knock off brand, Cadaver chocolates.



     Most mothers will be happy with the usual flowers, candy and dinner routine this year. But if Mom is looking for something unique, you can always surprise her with the cow print muumuu and matching hoof slippers.


     Happy "MOOO"ther's day!  



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