#19 - A couple therapy

I was married since six years, and it is a short period of time to have someone ignoring you, masturbating front of pornography and not willing to have sex. I was sure to be the causes and the reasons of his absolute disinterest..

I left a career in France to marry a man that I loved and took a job supposed to be an occupational activity on a four days schedule. That was my first mistake, because I cannot do anything half way. I am highly competitive and want to be the best at what I am doing, so the success of my work drove me to twelve hours shifts and trips that were adding to my daily schedule. It happened that I did not have the time to sleep more than three hours, so I started to complain about tiredness and chronic pains due to an hyperactivity.

Sixty hours working or traveling on four days, but I had three days to put in my marital life, what meant a house to clean, laundry and ironing, supermarket shopping, lunches and dinners ready in the refrigerator for my time away, all cooked from scratch, garden looking at its best, appointments to doctors or any maintenance for the house done, follow up with birthday or Christmas cards, ready with the date to be send on the envelops, invitations for family and friends, dinners scheduled and of course no housekeeping, because how can someone do the same as I do?

I had created a monster schedule and because I did not want to give up on anything, I had gave up on a "me time". Was I really available with this schedule? Maybe I was the one not communicating. I managed our life like a company where everything is on a high performance and standard levels, but I had forgotten about the people in this company. Was it was possible that my husband feels lonely and not a part of the management of our life as a married couple?

All of that were not explaining the sexual disinterest of my husband, so maybe my physical appearance was the reason for it. I had took few pounds since our marriage due certainly to restaurants's menus and lack of exercises and I was a smoker when he had quit before I even know him. It was time to take action and the first step was to establish again a communication, but here was another question: Did we ever communicate?

On a Sunday afternoon, after a nice dinner, I proposed to keep Mrs iPod on the side for a while and to talk about what was going wrong in our couple. I found a surprised man, that had only one question: Why was I thinking that something was wrong? and one remark, that he was very happy and his life was way better since we married.

If I was guilty to have hire a husband, I had the feeling that he had took me as a French maid that did not need any salary and was making his life comfortable while bringing money at home. I could not get anything else from him during this conversation, so I repeated the process few times, choosing new words and new analogies, in the hope to open the communication door.

Apparently I did not have the right key, so I suggested to take an appointment with a couple therapist that will help us to find a way to solve what were "my problems". At this point, I was terribly depressing and carrying my guilt as a penitence. I was certainly the most horrible wife and woman on earth, a failure, and I lost all my personal balance in the process.

We started to see our therapist once a week, and it helped in the fact that my husband did not understand how I was deeply in distress and how communication was important to me. I was the most happy person interacting with people during my four days work, feeling the most lonely person at home with a deaf husband plug into an iPod, and I was certainly the faulty one.

Along the sessions, I discovered that before the mistress iPod, it had been the laptop that was following us to the dinning room table and to bed, the too many beers that brought him to fall in bed as a drunk before I had time to reach him and the fact that he never had a single friend when we met. Was I keeping my life over busy to not face the reality? I claimed for years to the face of the world that I had a wonderful husband, and maybe, I was only trying to convince myself.

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