2. Learning to Love: Laurie
I am in the process of moving my blog here from google. I originally wrote this post on August 22, 2012
In my last post I explained that I was (and still am) losing weight fast! I continued to read Mr. Anderson't book a paragraph to a page a day. Things with the weight loss were going fabulously. Sadly, other areas in my life were still in shambles. I was still reacting poorly to situations that didn't necessarily warrant my reactions. My self-esteem returned and left again on a day to day basis. I was baffled to say the least, I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing than I would get what I always got. The realization hit that my weight, although a biggie, was not my only "problem".
My husband loves me. He has always said that the only time my weight is an issue with him is when it is an issue with me. He continues to cheer me on with the dramatic physical changes that have been made. I turned to him in confusion one day. Asking very simply, what is wrong with me? Why do I still feel as so very wrong? My best friend lovingly suggested an Author that he had read over 20 years ago.
I returned to amazon and looked up Louise L. Hay. I purchased two books and began to devour them both. I read them quickly at first and then went back and read them slowly taking notes. My thinking began to change immediately. HERE WAS MY ANSWER, right? Almost..... she is a wonderful lady, who believes in the power of positive thinking and pioneered the "self-help" books we have all heard about and some of us have even read. I love the gentle way that she guides us - her readers to love ourselves.
I added her books to my daily morning reading of the Anderson Method and also began to read aloud 2 pages worth of hand copied affirmations. My favorite ones being "I am willing to change" & "these are only thoughts and thoughts can be changed". My attitude continued to get better and in a month's time I was able to look in the mirror and mean what she suggested I say to myself. I smiled more. I had hope. My family began to really see changes in me. Some days they even reflected my good moods. Other days I was gently reminded that even if I believed the things that she wrote about, the rest of the world didn't carry her around each day.
Another kind suggestion she makes is that I leave my friends alone, in that I learn to love myself and change my thinking patterns, keeping the focus on me. I raved about her and suggested her books to a few friends and a family member before reading that part... however almost all of the loved ones I had talked about to her bought at-least one of her books and enjoyed them thoroughly. I apologized to them anyway and they all expressed gratitude for my suggestions. I love helping people, I love the sensation of inspiring others. (I hope that this blog eventually helps even only one person. For if it does than what I set out to do here has been accomplished.)
One day I was talking to my older sister. She had recently made some huge decisions and changes in her life, and was expressing some self-doubt and was asking for help. I brought up what I had learned from Ms. Hay. We talked in depth and she was able to remember some things she had read that were similar. You see, for years both my mother and sister have tried to get me to read self-help books that they enjoyed and learned from, and for years I limited myself by saying I didn't like them and didn't need them (*SIGH* yet I was miserable - go figure!). My big sister became excited and felt better after our talk. I find her to be very brave, and I told her how proud of her I am. I reminded her of lessons that she had learned, and she suggested a movie of hers that she had left behind at our mom's.
If you read my first post, I remind you that Mr. Anderson mentions a movie that talks about his particular lesson on that page. Here was my sister talking about the very same movie. I being Laurie, heard her and didn't listen, not right away. I was having a good day. I was on the right path. The Anderson Method and Louise Hay books were all that I needed. Or so I thought.
Flash forward a few months.... I love Laurie, kinda. I can smile at myself in the mirror each morning. I can say affirmations that lift my spirits and give me hope. Every morning is a wonderful gift!!! I meditate, I read, I affirm, I love life, I smile and even hum a little... then my beloved family wakes up. Many days my youngest son wakes up happy and loving, and wanting every moment of attention I am willing to give him and the moments I simply cannot, and every one in between. I would feel guilty, never comfortable enough to just say no. Never thinking if I put myself first that I would feel better. Never loving myself enough. A few hours of this left both my lovely child and I on edge.
My husband and I had established a pattern of not speaking when he first woke up. The tension most days was almost unbearable, as I waited to see how my day was going to go. Let me explain. My husband is a wonderful loving man. He adores his family and is willing to work his tail off for us. I was a person that didn't understand how much my fears and insecurities contributed to stress levels and I hadn't yet made a connection that they were caused by my thoughts. So I looked to everyone around me to validate Laurie and put them in charge of my happiness. At the time I had no idea that I was doing this on a minute to minute basis. So I found myself once again lost and confused, baffled.... and the sense of hopelessness began to seep back into my life.
Financially, we had been barely holding our heads above water as we attempted to establish an at home business. We had gained tons of knowledge over the previous three years. Our business had every possibility of succeeding, We were very hopeful. Most days I walked around choking down panic. The bills, the groceries, the gas, the budget.... oh my what a tail spin I could work myself into when I wanted to. (Yes, I did often). We seemed to start each season off with an over exuberant sense of "THIS TIME WE WILL MAKE IT!" and day by day that belief would subside, that excitement would dwindle and our current reality would set back in. We would complain, gripe at each other, tell our friends.... UGH UGH UGH! Family disagreements would begin, self-doubt would seep in and genuine sense of doom would start to be sensed and eluded to.
In despair one day, I hit my knees. I asked for help. BOY OH BOY did I find it....
Stay tuned for my next post where I will share with you how 2 suggestions from 2 very different people that have never met, have no knowledge of each other have helped restore hope and gave my family the most precious gifts we could have ever received: Laughter, hope, faith, love, gratitude!
See you next time, thank you for stopping by!
Special thanks also goes to the owner of phatogrphy for allowing me access to use his beautiful photos!! He is a wonderfully talented photographer and has many different areas of expression! Visit his page here: https://www.facebook.com/phatography