20 Things This Mother Will Probably Never Tell Her Son

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11. Be strong and tender at the same time.

Oh hey, I might actually say this to my son. And my daughter.

12. A woman can do everything that you can do. This includes her having a successful career and you changing diapers at 3 A.M. Mutual respect is the key to a good relationship.

This is not exactly true. It is more accurate to say that the things that men can do and the things that women can do are equally valuable. Since you will grow up with two parents with fulfilling careers and two parents who meet your needs both night and day, you should have no reason to think that either of these are associated with gender.

13. "Yes ma'am" and "yes sir" still go a long way.

Address people as they'd like to be addressed. Calling me "ma'am" will go a long way to me giving you a dirty look and telling you not to call me "ma'am."

14. The reason that they're called "private parts" is because they're "private." Please do not scratch them in public.

If you've got to scratch, you've got to scratch, but try to either find a secluded corner or be discreet. Learn how to satisfy an itch by "jingling your keys in your pocket."

15. Peer pressure is a scary thing. Be a good leader and others will follow.

Non sequiturs are scary things. I like cake.

16. Bringing her flowers for no reason is always a good idea.

If her is your mother, this is true. If she is allergic to flowers, or you are creepy stalking her, or any other number of scenarios; not such a good idea. Also, there are plenty of hims who might like being brought flowers for no reason.

17. Be patriotic.

Do not be blindly patriotic. Be as critical of your country and government as you are appreciative of them. Fight for what is right. What is "patriotic" is not always right.

18. Potty humor isn't the only thing that's humorous.

But it is hilarious in the right company, and when well-timed.

19. Please choose your spouse wisely. My daughter-in-law will be the gatekeeper for me spending time with you and my grandchildren.

Please choose whether or not to get married wisely. Do not choose a partner (again with the hetero-normative language, ugh) who appoints him or herself the gatekeeper of your time. A person who attempts to control your access to your family (or theirs to you) is an abusive person. If I am disrespectful to your partner or overstep my role as a grandparent, should you have children, and I refuse to see the errors of my ways, by all means, restrict my time with them; I deserve it.

20. Remember to call your mother because I might be missing you.

This one stands.

If you're left wondering what I would tell my son (and daughter), check out 25 Lessons for my Children.

 

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