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I love lists, music and relationship health, so I was psyched that the Boston Public Health Commission released its second annual lists of "Healthiest" and "Unhealthiest" songs about relationships this week. I was a little less psyched when I read them, but the results are interesting anyway.
Seriously, if love did not exist, it's safe to say that pop music would never have taken off either. Most songs -- from "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" to pretty much every single Taylor Swift releases -- have at least a little bit to do with finding, keeping, losing or crying over that special someone who may or may not round out our human existence.
So I have a heart. I know from my "Baby don't leave mes" and "You keep me hanging ons." I have some much-maligned Air Supply and a sad amount of 70s light rock on my iPod (because I am old) along with all of the other stuff that gives me some credibility in my less romantic hours. Honestly, even my students will tell you that I'm pretty much on a cool page where music is concerned, just because I love most genres and keep up with new releases. So I think it's great that the teen violence prevention program "Start Strong" developed a "Sound Relationships Nutritional Label" a year ago. Why shouldn't people pay attention to what the songs they're mindlessly humming are really saying?
That said, how sad is it that the healthiest song of 2010 -- Train's "If It's Love" -- includes this lyric:
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too...
Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne 'cause it's poison...
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive.
Cologne is poison. What? Cellphones in the air. Again, what? I am not a Train fan in general, sorry, which I know makes the jillions of people out there singing "Hey Soul Sister" to themselves a little twitchy. I can't help it. I've never gotten over the soy latte line in "Drops of Jupiter," and I just don't find Pat Monahan's voice that enjoyable. Opinions, schmopinions. But musical tastes aside, how are love addiction, refinancing a house, poison cologne and cellphones in the air as arbiters of relationship health?
Ick. I'm not trying to be a hater here, honestly, but plenty more things say "I love you" than increasing your risk for foreclosure. This is number one on the healthy charts?
Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" is number two, and I guess I can overlook getting drunk on the beach and him ogling her in skintight jeans because he thinks she looks great without makeup on and he's her Valentine etc. But clocking in at number three, Monica's "Everything to Me" kicks off like so:
Boy if you ever left my side
It'd be like taking the sun from
The sky
I'd probably die without
You in
My life.
Awesome! She goes on to repeat "I need you, I need you, I need you" and refers to him as the air that she breathes. Typical pop music, yes, but this is supposed to be the healthy list. I don't want anyone to think they'll die without anyone. Timbaland's "If We Ever Meet Again" basically says that he'll have a lot more to say next time he meets a girl in a bar, which is healthy in its simplicity, I suppose. Selena Gomez's "Naturally" is pretty much okay, and Miley Cyrus's "When I Look at You" is a fairly bland commentary on someone lighting up your life. Then there's Taylor Swift's "Mine."
Flash forward and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes
But we've got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out.
Oy. Were I these list-makers, I'd have traded the #1 Train tune with #10, "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, an honestly joyful affirmation of seeing the beauty in a loved one who may not see the best in herself but (although..."Her nails, her nails, I'd kiss them all day if she'd let me" skeeves me out a lot.)
As for what did top the unhealthy list? Usher has the distinction of holding down the one and two slots with the unfortunately-named "Lil Freak" and "Hot Tottie." The latter title loses points for stupid,
