2012

For the past two + years, things have been difficult. More than difficult. They say God only gives you what you can handle? Well, my hands are overflowing and I'm not sure how much more we can take. Is this a trial to see how we handle stress and difficult times?
 
We have three beautiful, amazing, intelligent, unique, generous, loving daughters. They're each their own person, with their own personalities, their own style, attitudes, etc. Our middle daughter has had a hard time lately. She has major depression, PTSD and is suicidal. She's tried to commit suicide 3 times now, the most recent being in October when she literally jumped out of a moving SUV. She's now admitted to a intensive residential treatment facility for adolescents. This is the absolute, most devastating, most traumatic experience of our lives. Our daughter is hurting and as her mother I'm supposed to be able to 'fix' that hurt. I'm supposed to be able to help her heal. But I can't. She's beyond the point of our help & is now in the care of wonderful ladies that have experience with teens who are struggling. I do not like the term "troubled teens". What a horrible expression. These girls are depressed. Does that make them trouble? Does that make them less worthy of any other teen who needs medical help? Why is there this huge stigma with mental health issues? Why is it when a teen (or adult for that matter) needs help for depression, PTSD, or any mental health disorder, people are no longer there? They turn their backs. Not only on the person who needs the help but the family who is trying to be there to support that person. We don't know how to help her. We don't know how to reach her. We feel as though we've failed her as parents because we couldn't help her through this. Her perception of us is on a totally different spectrum of our perception on how we've been busting our asses 24/7 trying to help ALL girls.
 
She's been admitted since 10/5. That's 85 of the longest days of my life. 2,040 hours of hell. Of not knowing what she's suffering through and not being able to be there to hold her when she's having a bad day. Last night she was so homesick and crying on the phone. What do you say to your child, who's crying her eyes out, when you can't reach out and hold her; wipe away her tears. I know being at the RTC is the best way for her to get the help she desperately needs. My heart just aches because she's suffering; I don't know what to do to help. I just want to SCREAM, "SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!"
 
It's obvious to me (now) that I need to go through counseling for myself as well. There are so many things/issues in my life I need to work through, as hard as facing them may be. I have to do this! I have to help myself get better before I can help my child, my husband and my marriage. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I know I have to. Admitting this is hard. Admitting I can't do this alone any longer is excruciating. I'm supposed to be this strong, independent, I can conquer the world mom/wife and I can't do any of those things right now. I can't reach through my amazing daughters depression and pull her out and find the wonderful person I know is in there. I can't heal her pain from a traumatic event she went through and make her remember there is so much to live for. I can't reach inside her heart or touch her soul and instantly heal all of her being. I wish and I do pray, multiple times a day, for help & guidance. Religion is an issue for me. Why would God let me child be hurt and have to deal with this horrible pain? I don't know the answer. I can only hope He is guiding her and helping her through this. I'm trying to work on that aspect of my life too. 
If anyone knows a child who's been through a traumatic experience, has depression, has been bullied - HELP THEM! Reach out and just let them know you're there. So many people are struggling with mental health issues and the stigma that they're 'broken' or 'can't be helped' is ridiculous. Something needs to be done in this world about bullying! About hurting one another! Why do people do this? Why do teenagers, especially girls, set out and spitefully hurt another person. It makes no sense to me at all.
I'll try and update this more frequently. I know there's no one reading but hopefully it'll help me in the long run.

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