#23 - The 24 Hours Breakdown

I went back to work, and as a little breeze on a very hot day, my life felt better right away. I could interact again with people and I involved myself a lot in my new position. This new challenge seemed to make me happier. I reorganized my life, without forget to keep a part for myself.

Every day, I biked twenty five miles before going to work. Between five and six o'clock in the morning, nobody is on the bike path. I can enjoy the goldfinches flying along with me, and when the sun appears between two trees, I can be enlighted by the world around me. In these moments, I am the happiest woman, because I have for myself all the beauty of the world.

I was spending half of my day on an happy mood, to come back home and feel the emptiness and sadness of an existence without real purpose. What is a life without love, a couple without communication, a home without heart beats?

For the six following months, I attempted to live like everyone, and thought that I was too needy for my well-being. I stopped to ask me existentialist questions and tried to move forward, but I will paraphrase Renė Descartes, Cogito, ergo sum, "I think, therefore I am", without thinking I could not be.

I was feeling alone, terribly solitaire and I had nobody to talk, or maybe I was too proud to talk to anyone about "my misery". Sundays are the only days that my husband and myself have as a common day off, and I started to understand that 24 hours was the time that I needed to breakdown. Each Sundays night, or Mondays morning, facing my total ineffectualness in having a normal couple relation with my husband, I was crying. I was not sobbing, but the tears were running from my eyes until I had none left.

One morning of June, I registered on a dating site. On this day, I decided that I had try enough and I wanted to be happy not half of my days, but all the time. I did not want to see myself anymore as a victim. I believe that love needs to be "passion", but I tried for two years to turn it into "devotion". I may have been a slow thinker or a strong believer.

I wanted sex, to be able to communicate with a man and to check if I was "normal". I had relation with three different men and it tells a lot on the fact that they were all Europeans. I did it open-mindedly, hoping that I will find an answer and surprisingly I found it, but not the one that I expected.

Sex is beautiful and you feel so good after it, but what is sex, when your heart and your soul are not involved? It is just a temporary aid, a bandage on a scar that it is impossible to cover.

I never stopped to try to establish communication with my husband during these three months of dating, downloaded a pornographic video to watch with him, prepared a striptease choreography and took naked pictures of myself that I emailed to him. I had try almost everything except maybe to learn how to love myself.

I decided to use my art classes in this process.....


In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

Recent Posts by Your Muse Clio