2nd part of My mom and my Bella Rose

Second part  -error I somehow got confused in my ending and I posted incorrectly, it was supposed to read: we had just celebrated mom’s birthday the  previous month and now, that weekend was the last Mother’s Day weekend that we shared with my mom. ....As the Hospice came to the house that following Monday, it was an experience like no other. All of mom’s children with the exception of one, sat around the table as she went into detail as to what to expect. I still was in shock as surely I know so were my brothers and sisters. This can’t be happening, she went on explained the signs as her time came near, she even explained how when time came near she will mention that she sees loved ones who have already passed standing in the room with her. All I could think of was, are you kidding me I thought that only happens in movies. I put my head down not really wanting to hear the rest on how her body will start to shut down. Then came the most dreaded question… Do we resuscitate….WHAT!! … My head shooting up from where it had been resting. I hear my sister say no, I looked at her with pleading eyes…. I can’t speak; I want to scream…I can’t breathe. I start to gasp I had not realized I must have been holding my breath. The nurse turns to my sister and says do you want to talk it out and then make a decision. She looks at us and says no…you know mom she always said don’t you guys have me connected to some machine, when I go, let me go. I glanced over at my siblings, they nodded their head with agreement, but she never took her eyes off of me. I look at her wanting to say so much but the words just won’t come out. When did my sister get those wrinkles around her eyes….she looks exhausted…have I ever thanked her for helping mom raise me. When mom was busy working or tending to the house it was big sis who fed me, bathed me and made sure I stayed out of dad’s way. She has always been the strong one. The one, who defied dad by doing things that most typical Mexican man, did not think women should do, or how they should know their place. I understand really I did, but I was not ready to let mom go. I put my head down and nodded in agreement, forgive me mom. Then came the part of funeral arrangement and I really don’t remember the rest. We spent all of our free time with her; we would sit and watch her Spanish novelas, and many of her favorite programs. She seemed to have quite a bit of good days where she could remember everything especially when it came to telling us stories of how life was in Mexico and growing up. In May she met her great granddaughter, she was so happy and excited we helped her hold her; there was no signs of pain anywhere in her face. She was so excited she held her little hand and kept kissing the top of it. After the new parents-my son and his fiancé, left home she explained that she still had one granddaughter to meet. We explained to her, you mean great granddaughters and mom you already just met her. Oh no she was very adamant that she still had not met one of her granddaughters. Well my I explained, I am the youngest and as you can see I am old and I had my last daughter, she here 10 months and I won’t be having anymore. She smiled and said no I still have one more to meet. We left it at that and gave no more concern. Then of course there were the days were she confused my oldest daughter and kept calling her my name. My daughter would answer they would have conversations. Afterwards my daughter would say to me …”mom she thought I was you and was asking if I remember things, I just agreed. I held her and said I know it is okay. She also did the same with her great grandson calling him by my son’s name. I had my first two children at a young age and with a no good father, well my mom helped me raise them, without her I’m not sure what or where I would have or I should say where we would have ended up. As time passed she became weaker and weaker and was now hardly eating, and was now on morphine. Then the signs came more frequent, she started to see her mom and her sister at the foot of the bed, or how she saw my dad her father walking around. My mom suffered quite a bit at the hands of my father her one and only husband. He passed away many years ago and before he passed he suffered immensely with his diabetes and other health ailments. But not once did she hold any of that against him, she cared for him till the day he passed away, and she cried many nights. She was sad because that was regardless in her eyes her husband and the man she was supposed to grow old with, they were supposed to be there for each other in old age. She also always praised on how he was a true provider, he bought a house for her to raise their children, he provided meals, and he was a good man. All I could think of was how could this be, my mom lost many children in Mexico due to sickness, she used to beg for food or do other people laundry to feed her children. She also suffered many beating from my father and she survived it all, and now Cancer is going to take her away from us. I was so hurt and angry all I could think of was this is crazy, she surpassed it all and this Cancer is claiming her life. Oh how I hated, feeling useless, I felt so guilty she wouldn’t eat or drink anymore I felt like we were starving her, this can’t be right. But hospice said it was all part of her getting ready to pass. Then came, the phone call from my niece her live in caregiver when hospice was not there. Grandma can’t see any more but she can hear. As I stepped into the room, I let the tears flow but made no noise. But she knew…who is there? It is me mom…I’m here how are you as I kissed her cheek. I am ok; she dozed off to sleep again. I sat there for hours just there, thinking, holding her hand. I had to cancel my daughter’s first birthday party because well we just couldn’t do it. I felt so guilty but we knew the day was coming. During this whole time I had already was suffering from horrific back pain and could hardly walk, I was on so many pain pills it was a wonder I could function. So as the day neared for me to have a tubal ligation, I went in for the normal blood work and what not, and I couldn’t cancel everything had been planned months in advanced. My sister called the whole family, time was nearing, I grabbed some belongings and me and my girls and grandson drove to stay at her house. My other sisters flew in from out of town and we waited. A couple of days later I got a phone call from my doctor, we have to cancel the operation you’re pregnant. All I could do was smile then let out a giggle…the doctor asked are you okay? …Oh yes I am fine…Thank you …..Oh mom you knew…somehow you knew, but strange from the calculations, I was not even pregnant when you mentioned about still needing to meet a granddaughter. I walked into her room, she no longer communicated, she was on Morphine to help with the pain. I bent down kissed her cheek and said yes mom….you were right you still had one grandbaby left to meet. I know in passing you will meet him or her, please keep us in your prayers. I love you. On August 1, 2009 at 5:00 p.m. surrounded by all her family, the backbone of our family, a piece of all of our hearts, passed away. As so did a piece of us all…… to be continued…

 

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