The 3 A's
The three A's Awareness, acceptance, and then action are helping me to be aware of myself and my actions towards my ABF.
I have to accept he is an A but also that I make my own choices. I have
to take actions that are going to help me by putting my HP and myself
first. I have to accept that there are things I cannot control but that
I can control my self and my reactions. Last night I was reading the
steps. The first step is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. That's something I did when i was at my wits end and didn't know what else to do. That's when I decided I would join Alanon.
My A's drinking has wrecked havoc in my life. As it has with so many
others who are dealing with this family disease which it truly is. But
realizing that I can't control it or control him was really the first
step to recovery for me. The second step admit there is a power greater
then ourselves. This was not quite as hard for me since I had grown up
with a HP. But, as I got older I didn't like the higher power I grew up
believing in. I felt guilty
all the time and slipped away from that. Then I went in search for many
Higher Powers but I still felt depressed. Finally I found my HP again
and am grateful for that. the third step surrender to our higher power.
It's not always easy to do that but I've learned for myself when I do
finally surrender I feel so much better. I don't have to walk around
with these burdens on my shoulders and I know no matter how it turns
out it's the way it is meant to be. Trying to control everything is
exhausting. Now I'm working on the 4Th step. This is a harder one for me. But last night I was looking at the 4th
step and I was trying to think of what searching means to me. To me it
means looking inside myself and finding out who I am. Fearless means
"having the courage to change what I can" to me. An inventory to me is
everything that's inside of me. All the gunk from my past and all the
goodness that's already inside of me. Yes there is blame, guilt, fear,
worry, sadness, unforgiven but there is also kindness, sincerity, love, caring, and intelligence in me ready to be used. This morning I talked with my ABF.
It went really well in my opinion. I set boundaries and he kept them. I
detached with love and it worked. The only two times I slipped where
when my A was talking about how he was going to be an atheist
because it was working for him. I told him that "your HP can get you
through anything" and talked about that a little bit. Maybe it wasn't
my place to say anything originally I wasn't going to but he knew
something was on my mind so I felt like I had to be honest. The second
time I sort of slipped was when the phone got disconnected. He called
back and was acting all angry and mad at me he was acting like a child
really. But, he did start using when he was 15 so maybe that's why.
Finally I started crying I was getting so discouraged and felt like he
was really irked even though it was not my fault the phone disconnected
which he then said he was sorry and that he really loved me. He said he
knew I didn't hang up the phone but I asked him why he did that then?
He didn't tell me I don't even think he knew. He is also bipolar so
maybe that's why besides acting like a kid sometimes even though he is
24. But he did apologize to me and I could tell he felt really bad
about it. Sorry it's kind of long. Thanks for letting me share.