3 Reasons I Am Better than Gwyneth Paltrow

 So as you all know, The Mister and I are getting ready to go to Spain in a month.  Our friend Kelley, who is an incorrigible foodie, recommended that we check out Spain: On the Road Again, which was a series that aired on PBS about the deliciousness of Spanish cuisine.  Mario Batali, Mark Bittman, an adorable Spanish chica named Claudia and Gwyneth Paltrow (I know, right? RANDOM) all road trip around Spain, trying new things and being fabulous. After watching the first episode something was eating me. 

It was jealousy and it was green.

Okay, here's the thing. 

Here in America, we like our celebrities to be a little on the intellectually limited side.  Their lack of ability to speak an intelligible sentence, carry on an interesting conversation, or identify whether a common food is tuna or chicken amuses us and makes us feel safe and secure.  We reason that we are not awesomely wealthy or ridiculously beautiful, but we know that Chicken of the Sea is a metaphor, yes sir we do.

Enter Gwyneth.  GWYNETH.

Turns out, she speaks perfect Castilian Spanish.  Seriously guys, her Spanish is really good.  And she knows a lot about food (although I would make it by business to learn a lot about food too if Mario Batali were my BFF). And she seems appropriately embarrassed by the fawning public whenever they appear, and she actually seems - get this - LIKEABLE. This throws off my sense of balance in the universe.

I did what any sensible person would do - I started tallying up a list of why I am better than Gwyneth - since her list of why she's better goes like this:
  1.   - I'm driving a Mercedes like it's no big deal because I'm fabulously wealthy
  2.   - I reference Madonna in casual conversation because she's like my best friend
  3.   - I can pretend to be a boy (see: Shakespeare in Love) AND still be better-looking than you all AND win an Oscar
  4.   - I speak Spanish fluently and with a perfect accent and I am basically smarter than you are
  5. oh, the list goes on.

 

Well. I can make lists too, Gwyneth.

3 Reasons I am Better than Gwyneth Paltrow
  1. She named her child after a fruit and I will not
  2. Have you seen Shallow Hal?
  3. She has shown her  ta-tas to the world and I have not (trump card!)

 

Take that, Gwyneth! Actually though, you're beautiful and awesome and I really like Spain: On the Road Again.

(but it's against my better judgement, you know?)

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