365 Reflections - Reflection 13

181Control - we all want it. It gives us order and allows us to give reason to things rather than think everything is beyond our influence. Control comes in a manner of forms - from selecting the colors for environment we want to live in to saying no when someone asks us to do something that we don't want. Control is comforting. And in the exact opposite way, not having control is scary. In my case, my self worth comes in to doubt when I don't have control. Maybe it's a measure of my worth. I am not really sure. Over the years I have done my best to exhibit control over things like my living environment or the behavior of my son. After all, if you cannot control something as trivial as clutter, how can you ever control the larger things like the direction your life is heading?

Taking control, especially when it is a situation that involves others, is not something I do well. Over the years, I have developed a pattern of avoiding confrontation and stuffing my feelings or reactions far away from the person or situation I am dealing with. That's why I was so tickled last week when my mom gave me credit for a stand I took. I think that by taking that stand, I was subconsciously making mental preparations to take larger, more significant stands in the future. By being willing to walk away from a situation that did not work from me, I became validated with the thought that what I want matters.

I am fairly confident that today, I get another chance to demonstrate to myself that I matter. This week I have had two interviews. Company A was Monday and Company B was Tuesday. Company A has asked me to come back this Friday to meet others in the office and they seem genuinely interested in me. When I left the interview with company B, I really had no idea how it went so I was pleasantly surprised when Company B made two attempts to reach me yesterday and have indicated they will call this morning on my way to work. Of course, I am no psychic, but my intuition is telling me that when someone is making this type of effort, a job offer is likely headed my way. To my surprise, I am willing, for the first time in my life, to not jump to an immediate yes. I am going to try something new - I am going to tell Company B, if the situation is appropriate and my intuition is correct, that I need time to consider their offer.

This may sound strange, but I have never done that before. When looking for work, I have always been at the whim of the employer. The waiting has been excruciating and the lack of control, physically painful.  My bank accounts have been at zero in the past and I have wondered how I was going to pay my utilities if I did not get a certain job. This time, I am already employed. Never mind that my employers are crazy - their checks don't bounce. This time, Company A and Company B approached me. I have not been scattering my resume like so much buckshot all over the county. That's not to say that this has been an easy decision or that this will go as well as I think it will in my head. I am questioning all the possible outcomes and am really scared this might be the wrong thing to do. However, in the evolution of Lisa, I am going to try to prove to myself, if no one else, that I matter.

Until tomorrow...


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