5 Things I Want to Say to the Moron at McDonald's Who Spends 10 Minutes Staring at the Menu Board

Every time I go to McDonald’s (for my id="mce_marker" large Coke Zero), without fail, I find myself standing in line behind the tool who has no idea what they want to order.  Seriously?  Seriously.  Unless you’ve just regained your sight and have never seen the menu board at McDonald’s, then you have no excuse to stand there like an idiot, mouth agape, staring at the menu board.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.

Wanna know why?  Because the menu hasn’t changed overnight.  (I promise.)  It hasn’t really changed in more than 50 years.  In fact, it’s the same all across the country, and pretty darn similar around the world.  Royale with cheese, anyone?  So, here are the five things (in no particular order) that I want to say to the indecisive jack@ss  in front of me the next time I find myself in this situation (which will likely be tomorrow).  Wish me luck.

5. “Get a Big Mac.  If you don’t like it, it’s not like you’re buying a car.  You can get a Filet-o-Fish.  It’s not like the people behind the counter will talk about you.  Much.”

4.  “I can’t wait to try the new *mumble mumble mumble* – my friend Sarah says it’s AH-mazing.”

3.  “You must be awesome in an emergency – your decision-making skills are stellar.”

2.  Go for the Quarter Pounder.  No wait, the Angus snack wrap.  No, the McNugget McBites.  I meant to say the McDouble.  No, the Premium Crispy Chicken Club. Definitely the Premium Spicy Chicken sandwich.  No, wait, I could really go for the Big ‘N Tasty.  I mean, the Daily Double.  No, the McChicken.  Oh, screw it.  *storm out*

1.  Narrate everything the person is doing in a hushed, golf announcer-like tone.  “She’s scanning the menu board.  Will she go for the chicken?  Or will it be the fish?  Will it be a red meat kind of day?  She’s reaching for her phone.  No messages in the last 30 seconds.  Looks like she’s on her own with this one.  A lot’s riding on this.  Time to make a DECISION.”

What would you say?

TRUE STORY:  In writing this post, I looked up the word “idiot” on thesaurus.com and found the following definition: “an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven and twelve years.” Good to know.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user The Consumerist under this Creative Commons license


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