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5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of
14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That
is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.
He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I
don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done
anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)
No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.
But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are.
Especially since I believed that he had stopped drinking years ago.
And that he had stopped drinking because he was afraid he might develop
a problem like the rest of his family. I was proud of him. And he knew
that.
Which made this all the worse for me. And even worse for him. On top
of everything else he was fighting - depression that he was medicating
with alcohol, all of which he was keeping secret - he now had to deal
with shame and guilt. From where I sit, that’s a lot to deal with.
I have tried, for 5 weeks now, to let this be HIS problem. I don’t
want to steal his thunder by making it my problem. I don’t want to
design his recovery for him, or contain it with my own expectations.
But, 5 weeks later, I have finally realized that this is a problem for
me too. And my recovery is as scary and important as his. And I have to
claim that.
Because it is really hard for me too. I’m not the one with the
drinking problem, but his drinking problem - everything that went into
it and came from it - is having a massive impact on my life. And it has
for years, even though I didn’t know what it was.
I think it’s like termites. they’re in there, eating things away,
destroying fiber and foundation silently and no one knows they’re there
until there are holes in the wall, until the house is weak, could fall
in the wind. And there you stand, wondering what to do? Exterminate?
Burn the thing down? Pack your bags and move away, pretending it never
happened? How can something so destructive do so much dastardly
destroying without you knowing it? Stupid. That’s the only answer, you
must be stupid.
That’s what this feels like.
5 weeks after my husband’s DUI and ensuing confession of years of
closet drinking and dark depression, I’m standing here staring at the
holes in the wall. Treading carefully on a foundation that is almost
surely about to give way beneath my feet. I want to save the house, all
of it, but I know I can’t. It’s time to move on. To where, I don’t know.
Ironic, isn’t that part of the AA serenity prayer is “accept the things i cannot change…..”
- i cannot change that i love my husband unconditionally, i do, that won’t change.
- i cannot change the fact that he is battling very big and deep demons
that have nothing to do with me, i did not cause them, i cannot fix
them. he has to do that himself. - i cannot change the fact that after years of being shut out and lied
to, the foundation on which i wanted to build my life is just gone. it
isn’t there anymore. - i cannot change the fact that our marriage as we know it is over, destroyed quietly over years.
- i cannot change the fact that what i want is NOT a life of rebuilding
something that has been destroyed, of wishing i could fix something i
can’t fix, of wondering if there’s anything i could have done, should
have done. - i cannot change the fact that i have the right and responsibility to create a life in which i feel free and happy and alive.
- i cannot change the fact that for years i have denied that right and responsibility.
- i CAN change that starting now.
- i CAN decide to liberate myself and go forward honestly and openly
admitting what i want, and admitting that i deserve it and can have it. - i CAN choose to liberate my husband from the guilt and fear associated
with a life lived in discord with inner desires and needs. - i CAN choose to let go of what i think and fear, and in so doing show others that they can too.
- i CAN choose to define love and compassion for myself, and allow others to do the same.
- i CAN have fun, love, sex, adventure. Lots of it.
- i CAN admit how much it scares me, and then go head first in to it.
Because it does scare me. A lot. But I know that I want it, need it,
deserve it, and will
