Fifty Shades of Grey... Why None of My Friends Are Picking Up The Phone Part 1

Oh yes, the new big thing. 50 Shades of Grey. I'm just worried women think this is the best thing ever written. It's not. And it's going to mess with people's real sex lives when their significant others don't act like this fictional billionaire. Fiction is for fun, not for relationship pointers.


I tried to read it from Chapter 1 to the end. I did not succeed. What I did was stand in a Target in the electronics department and flip through the 20+ chapters scanning for the sex bits. At best, they made me blush, shuffle my feet and get creepy stares from the guardian of the camera display. (I don't need your help if I'm reading a book.)


I Get Why You Like Christian: Christian Grey is supposed to be handsome, tall, charming, articulate, successful, bold and filthy rich. He's also brooding and broken and we ladies like a mystery to solve (whether you'll admit it or not). And he's passionate, kinky, dominate, but obsessively polite, protective and assertive. We like that, too. Makes us think we have the best of both worlds but are in no real danger of bodily harm. Major plus.
Also (I will lay off the book's dialogue until part two) Christian is articulate. He tells Ana to stop biting her lip because it drives him crazy. He makes multiple references to how beautiful she of is. How sexy she is. In detail. And he's audible in bed, too. Not just "yes" and "oh fuck."

If there's a movie I pick him as Christian. He also looks a little like someone I know very well...

Why He is Bullshit: The character Christian is possessive, jealous, stalks freely and backs up his undesirable and often unapologetic actions by using his money to woe Anastasia with dinner, designer clothing, exciting events, hotels, cars, electronics, etc. and the claim that he can't possibly fathom anything happening to her and would never let that transpire.Yes, romantic.


But, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that at their core, many men are not kinky. Dominate, yes, but kinky? Sometimes. They might like to watch it, but doing it for the desired effect isn't necessary. And that is ok, because most of them respond very well to regular, hot sex. Kinky should be sprinkled in your sex life like pepper in your soup... it shouldn't be the whole soup.


And his articulation: Sound like the polar opposite of someone you know and love? Give your real Christian some credit; men are wired differently and the book's Christian is written by a woman. A mid-forties, married mother living in London. Her hormones are probably turned up higher than the dial on her AC.


Confession: I once had a real, articulate, seemingly passionate male suitor who would go on both verbally and written about how wondrous I was. It was great. But it also distracted me from the terribly insecure little boy who was cheating on me with anyone with ovaries and used his words to mask guilt. And in the end, the articulation rang hollow. So it meant nothing. And that was worse.


Capricorn may be more plainspoken, but he is sincere, playful, funny, passionate, fixes things when they are broken and a few others that I have promised not to speak about in my blog. ;)


 Beware of the overly articulate man. Life is not a Bronte sister novel. Your man thinks your lovely, maybe it's just not his thing to go on and on about it. Actions speak louder than words.


I Get Why You Like the Sex: Ana is appreciated, desired and actively pursued. We (don't pull women's lib on me) like that very, very much. We give in return, but there's nothing like feeling desirable from someone you desire. It comes across as Christian is fully enthralled with her as well as monogamous. He wants her. And there's a plot, characters and dialogue--ladies, this is our porn.


Also, Ana is (mostly) submissive. And still has many, many orgasms. You know what submissives DO during sex? Not much. They do as they are told, look attractive, let the dominate do what [he] likes and say stop when they want. That sounds like a lazy person's utopian dream. And I'd argue that the submissive person is actually the one in control, because they control when it ends. Of course women readers are excited!

 

Why The Sex Isn't That Hot: The sex itself is fun, but, from a writer's standpoint, the over-use of euphemisms actually makes it a lot less hot.


It's like the writer was sitting on her couch, with her legs propped up on the coffee table, laptop in lap (I now feel odd because that's exactly how I am sitting) biting her lips at times thinking: Oh god. What's a word I can substitute for dick? Cock? I cannot bring myself to say that! Or pussy. Or sex drive. This is hard!

I had a creative writing professor (I'll call her Caroline) in college who by first glance looked like a frumpy, friendly woman who would ask you on the street if you thanked Jesus today. She loved granola, her cats and Herman Melville.


Caroline also loved sex. And would accusingly stare at each of us during workshop and say: If you are going to write about sex, write in detail. I want to know what you are doing, how it feels. I want to know what it tastes like. I want to know whether you both come or not. If you are going to get shy, write about a tea party.


Second Point: Did you notice how much sex they have in the book? Supposedly rigorous sex. And now many times each day.


Ladies, without being too graphic, there's a stopping point between pleasure and pain. After a few rounds of coloring (Sex and the City reference) things need to reset. Or you are just going to experience (if you are lucky) some mild fluttering and a very awkward walking stride for the rest of the day. The fifth time will not feel like the very first time. Sex is not a Foreigner's song.

 

What I Did Like: The emails.
The emails are great. They are flirtatious, short and feel like real, sexy conversation. They made me smile and blush. I liked when Christian would change his signature line to reflect his current mood and Anastasia would write witty subject lines. And the innuendo. They are my favorite part of the book.

I know some of you disagree with me so hard you're shaking your head at the screen.
Tell me why I'm wrong. Or, tell me why you agree.

Go buy a book cover so you can read it on the train without shame,

Lady J

Copyright © 2012 Lady J

All rights reserved

Lady J is a writer, blogger and Chicago Cubs fan. You can find her here at http://ladyjwanderlust.blogspot.com, or on Twitter at @LadyJWanderlust

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