6 Sex Tips for the Sexually Committed

Sexual satisfaction is highly correlated with overall marital and relationship satisfaction. But keeping passion with the same person through the chaos of life is challenging for all of us! Here are 6 sex tips I have developed from my own experience, my work with couples, and my review of others’ science. I hope you’ll find them to be an active, experiential list for improving your sex life or, if it’s good already, for keeping it going passionately for a very long time.

Avoid Power Struggles

No one likes feeling that he or she is the one always asking for sex, especially if there is a good chance the answer may be, “Not tonight, honey.” So make sure that you trade-off who is doing the asking, if possible. If not, at least make sure your first response is only sometimes not all the time, “No.”

Remember: Saying “No, not now” means there is a meeting you can’t miss at the kid’s school in 15 minutes or you are harried and tired, but it also means you are willing to have sex soon. That will help your sex life.

On the other hand, “No” much or all of the time tells your partner you don’t desire him or her or can’t be bothered by their needs. Gradually, you may drive your partner elsewhere—into a book, porn, zoning out in front of the TV, or even infidelity. Thus, saying No too often when your partner is in high desire damages your relationship by resetting your neuro-chemistry of love away from your partner.

Hubby and I have a rule at our house: Let me know if you are just kind of sort of thinking about having sex or if you are “needing it, now!” If  it’s “now!” we let each other know. We use this rule so we can figure our partner’s arousal level into our reaction.

Life is so busy most of us don’t feel super “horny” all that often—take advantage of it and enjoy the spontaneous moments of sheer lust!

Schedule Ahead

Even when you are trying to honor each other, it is easy to miss each other’s cues. I tend to be a big picture planner. I want to plan for sex so I know all the stars in our life will align; hubby prefers it to be more spontaneous. In this difference, we have wasted many a good love making session fighting because I had gotten kids to bed, dogs and cats where they belong, all things set for the night—waiting for him—only to find him failing to read my mind and my excellent organizational plotting. However, in this circumstance, I made an error, too: Figuring he would see my actions and know what they meant, I forgot to let him in on the plan.

It is very okay to map out when you plan on having sex for the week so your partner can make sure s/he isn’t running an errand or making a business call.

Many of the most wonderful things in life are preplanned and scheduled—sex can be one of these, especially if you have children and/or both work.

Some people think there is something wrong with their sex lives (or their romantic love) if they schedule sex. For most of us, who have made it to more than about 2 years into our love-relationship (and thus into the more long-term neurochemistry of love), scheduling sex is not a show of distress but, instead, evidence of our sexual and romantic health.

Don’t Wait

If you start kissing and think “Should we”…You Should! It only takes 15minutes or so. Just do it. Sex releases the hormones you need to enjoy each other and stay in partnership.

If you are a woman for whom vaginal sex takes a while, get a vibrator to use with him for these “quickies.” He will most likely find the addition of this new toy quite fascinating!

Get a Lock on Your Door

I am always surprised by the number of friends who don’t have locks on their bedroom doors. Consider changing that in your home. It is very okay to lock the kids out while you have sex. If you want to raise your kids “Focker” style and put a hat on the door to indicate you are busy – go for it!  (But for me, I think a lock is most tasteful).

Make love not war

It has taken me many decades to realize personally and through research that many couples fight over “little things” because of unresolved sexual tension. If hubby and I are getting snarly with each other, we have learned it is often an indication that it is time to get busy.

In the past things might have escalated into a full-scale fight, hurt feelings and no sex (hit rewind and repeat); now we try to get to the sex part even if we are still mad at each other. This way we are dispersing any of the negativity associated with built up sexual tension and saving the fighting for more serious issues.

Schedule Gourmet Sex

Maintenance sex is great–it works well, you know the buttons to push and the moves to make to find fulfillment for both of you. But it often happens in a time bind between activities and the bedtime clock. So, every few months at least, schedule a night of gourmet sex.

Bring in the massage oils and candles…take your time. Try new positions and focus on conveying how much you love your spouse as you please him or her. Talk ahead of time if you wish about the new things you want to try out. Try them out in this unrushed setting. Even if things don’t work out exactly as you hoped, you will still feel cherished. Tomorrow, the old Route 66 will still be there if needed, but for today, the fine wine is tasted and enjoyed.

For more on Gourmet Sex, see the Playbook posts.

- Dr. E

Science can help us nurture and enjoy our sexual selves. 
sexscienceandnature.com

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

Trending Now