8 Kinds of Women I Can Never Be Friends With
Women and I have never really seemed to get along – at least not spiritually. Most of you might find this shocking considering the fact that I seem to have a great big circle of girlfriends with whom I hang out every now and then. But that great big circle is filtered. And even the filtered great big circle is further filtered into two smaller groups. It’s like protection within protection, that’s how anal I am when it comes to choosing those I call friends. Not everyone qualifies.
Those who qualify are the ones who actually get to share my life. They are my confidantes. I trust them, and they trust me. We share our disappointments and happy moments, knowing that once we part ways, the whole world is not going to hear about our “business” – except of course our men. I tend to tell my man everything so it’s an understood guarantee that he will know; at my discretion. He might not get all the details, just the head and tail. Some things are just too private and sacred to share with even the men.
Having said that, I’m in no way saying I’m perfect. I’m sure I fall into many categories that other women can’t stand, and that’s fine by me, but these are the eight kinds of women I can barely stand to be around:
The Pretender: The pretender pretends to be something she’s not. I love real women! That’s as much as I can say. Real women know they have flaws and they accept and wear those flaws with humor and heart. Fakeness, to me, is such an unattractive trait. I don’t need to know how many fake Prada shoes are lining your shoe closet in order to be impressed by anything you say or do. If anything at all, it turns me away from you.
The Backstabber: The backstabber is the one who laughs with you, dines with you and breaks bread with you only because she’s interested in knowing what’s going on in your head. Then she takes those very things and uses them to her own benefit, out of spite, to betray you. I’ve known a few of these and it hurts like hell.
The Vicarious Liver: You should meet my friend John who went to Harvard. You know my friend Margaret who went to Yale? She an attorney at this big name law firm downtown. Well, she’s coming to my place tonight. I’m so excited. Meet my cousin Joe. His father has lunch with the New York senator every Tuesday afternoon. And yada yada yada. Vicarious livers live their imaginary lives vicariously through the lives of others. It is how they make themselves feel important. And I’m hardly ever impressed because everybody knows somebody who knows somebody.
The Narcissistic Judge: Need I say more? Narcissistic judges love themselves to death; so much so that no one else is ever good enough to be in their presence. Oh girl, did you see her hair? What’s up with that? I felt so embarrassed having her stand that close to me. They start most of their sentences with phrases like “as for me” and “a woman like me”. They are exhausting to be around. They care about no one else but themselves and they love to hear themselves talk. I’m a good listener, but even I find a narcissistic judge very annoying.
The Whiner: Oh my God! Nothing is ever right in the life of a whiner. Everything is so wrong. Every time I see the caller ID showing the call of a whiner, my heart spurts blood, and my stomach does somersaults. Do I really want to put up with this tonight? You could be in the best of moods before an encounter with a whiner and immediately, something in you just dies. You’re taken from cloud nine and brought down to the harshness of her life on earth; a life that never seems to be right. Give me a break. The glass can never really always truly eternally be half-empty!!!
The Uptight Snob: You can hardly go anywhere with this one. No one and nothing is ever good enough for her. There is something in her drink. The temperature is not quite right in the movie theatre. The food is not warm enough or the meat not cooked to her specifications. The seats aren’t clean enough. She can’t sit on the park bench because her skirt will get wrinkled. She can’t be in a crowded room because she fears the touch of unclean hands. How are you ever able to have fun? Occasionally, I love to stop at 711 for one of those badass hot dogs. Yes, I said 711. I can’t go there with an uptight snob! If I can’t do that with you, you can’t be my friend – sorry!
The Trumpet Blower: Wow girl, I was fabulous today. I am the cream of the crop. I know my stuff. I’m a professional. Go to www.mememe.com and see all my achievements. They’re listed in alphabetical order. Don’t miss the one under “T” for “toot toot” I love to blow my own trumpet. You know, they say if you’re good at what you do your work will speak for itself. I believe this to the core. Those who achieve and are recognized are recognized by their works, not by the hot air coming out of their trumpets. If you have to tell me every minute of everyday how great you are, then maybe I don’t have to dig too deep to find out why you’re not.
The Do and Tell Broadcaster: Girl, I’ve had such a tiring day. I had to go all the way to Betty’s house to give her money to feed those three bastards she’s got because you know she married that good-for-nothing man. That was really nice of me, huh? Oh look at Mina! She’s on TV. Look at her. Doesn’t she look nice? Aww … when I first met her she was nobody. Nothing. Today look at her. With my help, she’s on TV. If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t even have a place to stay, let alone be on TV. I run from people like this because chances are that someday (God-forbid), I might need their help. I don’t need to tell you the rest.
I’m sure there’s more. As I come to know more women, I observe the different personalities out there. Some are scary. Some not so much – I can deal with these ones. I put them in my not-so-tight group of friends. The bottom-line is if I feel the need to watch everything I say and do when I’m around someone I’m considering for friendship, my gut tells me I’m better off just walking away. Feel free to add to the list, but this is mine.