8 months, 23 days to go

Today I had a badass epiphany moment and realized it. Isn’t that half the battle? Realizing a moment when it winds up and smacks you up alongside the head.   

I grew up in a house where emotions were not tolerated. If you had even the slightest emotion, heck if you were even headed down the road of an emotion, you were squashed like a bug with words. 

You’re a cry baby

You’re a drama queen

You never shut up

You’re a chatterbox

You’re crazy

You’re unstable

You’re a (fill in the ______)

And so now I struggle with showing emotion. I have my entire life. I know this about myself and I try to be very upfront about it. I am no longer afraid, just numb to it. I am not someone who can easily show vulnerability and I do not ever want to be scolded as above again. It sends me right back to being that eight year old little girl watching her world crumble, having no solid foundation to stand on, and never being able to express her thoughts or her fears. 

My ex’s core issue with me (issue #2) is that I am void of emotion.  She sees it as a sign of lack of relationship intimacy and doesn’t want to be with me physically (issue #1), if I can’t be there for her emotionally. Yep, I agree with her. I struggle with showing my heart, trusting that I can be defenseless with someone.

A clarity moment happened today during a repeat of so many times in our relationship.  It was during an argument that was so minor, I mean over something so tiny, she was angry and said I was being irrational (you’re crazy), I always make it about me (drama queen), and she said the final nail in so many of our coffins “I am done!” (Shut up!).  Why did it take me so long to see it is a repeat of my childhood? If the argument isn’t going her way, she works her magic, pushes all the blinking buttons and shuts me down.  When she says she is “done”; that is my alcoholic father/mother giving me one last warning.

Is it all her fault, no. I come with the baggage of not wanting heated arguments I can’t win. I want to feel safe at all costs, and I want to know that if I do get OVER emotional (to me = wet eyes), someone will grab me, hold me, and let me be…me. It is rare, but it does happen!

Does she know that she does it?  I am 100% sure she does and uses it to her advantage. The difference is, now I don’t have to pretend to forgive her, I don’t have to be nice to her, I don’t have to make this relationship work, I don’t have to sacrifice myself, I don’t have to ever be eight years old again! I can have the satisfaction in my head that I am learning a little more about myself all the time and I hope I could also recognize it in someone new and run.

Today is the first time I have thought to myself...we may not make it til Spring.

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