8 months and 14 days

Tomorrow I stand in front of the judge and I will be given my name back.  Our marriage wasn't recognized by the state, and so I feel like this will be our official divorce date.  It feels sad and renewing at the same time.  Sad, because it will end our relationship forever, but renewing for my future and moving forward. 

Honestly, today I was on the fence.  In tears, with a cupcake in one hand and a cookie in the other.  Why did this end so easily, why couldn't I make my marriage work, Should I ask her to try again,  why do I turn to food when things are at there worst.  Thank goodness for my inner spirit who takes over and throws the food away, holds my hand as I get ready for Zumba, and helps me to cope when I return and she has been drinking.  I haven't talked about issue #4 - or the "deal." Which I now know is my way of dealling with the devil.  I asked her to keep booze out of our home for these 10 months and she asked me not to date and be sneaky with someone else.  Agreed! 

I grew up with mean drunks, it is my kryptonite. I bring baggage about it, and she has an issue with alcohol.  How do I know? Well, she is sitting with a big glass of wine next to her right now.  Someone without a problem, would respect someone enough to last 10 months. This has become our new nightly dance. If I go out of the house for any reason, I know when I come home she will be drinking. I wonder at times where she is hiding it.  Instead, I just ignore it. I don't know why I don't confront her. I think it is because I truly don't give a fuck any longer and it helps me to remember why the hell I want out. 

My part of this deal is to not numb myself with another. In the past, I would find fast new love to cover old searing pain.  This is my 2nd time at successfully feeling the hurt. It sucks! That is the reason for the blog.  To get it out instead of masking it and having it creep back up on me later.  I know I will heal, but I am afraid that wont start until we move apart.

I wrote that I probably wouldn't make it the full 10 months...Now I am wondering if I will make it past the first of the year.

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