Let me just preface this story by saying, I never had an intention to share any of this with the world.  Those close to me have encouraged me to share this story, basically the story of my life and the battle with losing over 200 pounds.  My hope is that this can provide inspiration to anyone who is hopeless.

4/2008-9/2009 = 179 lbs lost (80 to go)

Like so many, I have been overweight my entire life, starting with my pediatrician logs, being over normal weight when I was 2.   Later weight, comfort and emotions would all play into a very interesting combination in my life.  I would come to a point where literally, if I did not change my life, change how I dealt with life, learned about my body and how to stop neglecting and abusing it, I would die. 

Just like so many, my life wasn’t a bed of roses.  It was full of good and bad.  It was also full of emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse.   Food became a way for me to mask my body, mask it with weight so I didn’t have to be attractive to the opposite sex.  Later of course that would become a problem when you want to be!  Food became my visible barrier to safeguard me from people; to keep them at a distance.  Yet, at the same time, it was intimacy and connection, to be understood, that I wanted most in life.

My diet history is ridiculous, like so many.  From Weight Watchers when I was 8 to living off of saltines, carrots and celery, and swimming 2 miles a day when I was 14. I vividly remember a 30 day period in high school where I ate nothing but an occasional cracker and drank water while swimming 2 miles a night.  Sure I lost weight fast, but wow, did it come back later.  Up and down, the weight would roll always gaining more in the end.  With every emotional crisis, there would be more consumption of carbohydrates and fatty foods.  The teasing was unrelenting.  Later I’d grow way to accustomed to hearing, “you’ve such a pretty face and have such a great personality, you’re so cool,  but…”  and the but was always about my weight, of course.   I developed a cycle of self abuse, self medicating and neglect.   Instead of engaging in acts that were loving to myself, like proper nutrition, exercising to allow my body to release toxins and stress and looking at understanding cravings, I’d choose to get angry at my body, to hate it, to feed the hate and anger by overeating, stuffing emotions, and even physically hurting my own self.   Yep, I had some issues.  So many,  that later on, in 2001 I’d complete a Master’s degree in psychology, trying to figure out how to fix and understand me, others, and why things happen.

In 2003, through an existential program in California, I started figuring out that part of my weight problem was a wounded problem.  Those wounds were open and unhealed and I’d been stuffing pizza, beer and cakes in them to try to heal them instead of treating them with the attention and nutrients that they needed.  I also started figuring out that part of my problem was a spiritual problem, a lack of connection with an energy or higher power; a serious lack of self love in a non-egocentric form.   Through connecting with spirit, I was able, eventually, to stop drinking after 5 years of being an alcoholic.  It would take the tragic death of my brother in 2005 to get me to stop completely for good. 

Soon after my brother died, we learned that my aunt, who was like a mother to me, had terminal cancer.  At the same time she was being treated for cancer, I received  my own  cancer diagnosis.  She would die, in front of my eyes, two months later.   These things are enough for one person in a lifetime.  But more would come.  Life very rarely gives you a break—and when it does—breathe easy and embrace it, cherish it for all it’s worth.  In a span of three years, seven of my close family members would die.  

I reached a point where I could hardly get through the day emotionally.  I don’t actually even remember how I made it through teaching art the months after my aunt died, but I did.  And then I went back to my hometown to hide and rest.  At 423 lbs, and after 2 more deaths upon my return home, my entire system would begin to shut down.   Food was now killing me.  The inability to handle my emotions and to healthily handle pain was killing me.

I started to break out in hives in the middle of the night, developed rashes all over my body, would have trouble breathing every time I started to eat certain things.  My blood pressure was uncontrollable even on medication at 198/95.  In once instance, my doctors office wouldn’t let me leave until we were able to use a combination of medications, including anti-anxiety meds to get my pressure down for the fear of stroke.   Since I held most of my weight in my abdomen, I also learned that due to the excess estrogen surrounding by female organs, in fat, I’d developed hyperplasia.  My gynecologist was very upfront and told me flat out, that a) a hysterectomy was out of the question at my weight and b) if I didn’t lose the weight, the impact on my hyperplasia would end up being fatal. 

 I believe that it was at this point my body simply said, “I can’t take it anymore.”, and was starting to shut down.   I went to doctors who insisted that the only thing that could help me was gastric bypass surgery.   Investigating it, and having a friend who had several complications with it, I realized two things.  a)  I’d have to be able to manage a liquid diet in order to even get to surgery and b) the complications and surgery itself could kill me.    So, I started with an idea.  OK, try a liquid diet.  If you can’t do it, then there is no reason to even entertain surgery.   I started and tried it, and had some success.   But I didn’t have the mental fortitude to keep going on the diet.  I still wasn’t in control of my emotions or my eating-my consumption addiction.  If I wasn’t consuming alcohol, I was consuming food and if I wasn’t consuming either of those, I was buy stuff left and right, all in attempts to fill the wounded void.    I went to an allergist to investigate my allergic reactions to things and yes, indeed, I had allergies, food allergies, environmental allergies, you name it.  They started me on medications and shots.  Both times with the shots I went into anaphylaxis.  I never went for the third shot.  I knew that route was going to kill me.

Desperate, I went to a whole health center and thought I’d give acupuncture a try.  I believe it saved my life.  My acupuncturist was terrific and explained things to me regarding how body systems work, what my body needs were—for once I was learning about how to take care of my body instead of just being told that I needed to and I was wrong in how I was going about it!      

I want to stop right here though with that statement above and say this.   I used excuses for the majority of my life.  I used what happened to me as a child, as an adult, this situation, that situation, this relationship, no relationship, etc.  THE ONLY PERSON TO BLAME FOR ME BEING FAT IS MYSELF.  I AM THE ONE THAT PUT THE FOOD IN MY MOUTH.  No one hooked me up to a pizza and butter crème cake IV and forced those calories into me.  I did it.  In all honesty, if I would have had the desire, true desire like I have developed in the past year and half to really learn about nutrition, health, well being, to learn about how to be healthy, then I would have and not used a million excuses to avoid and neglect my body.  There is nothing easy about where I’ve been or about what I’m doing or have done.  But easy things are rarely of value. This road takes indomitable will.  It takes battling yourself, the perceptions of others and literally, being the only one outside of whatever higher power you connect with, in many instances, who believes that you can do it.  Sometimes, you don’t even believe you can do it.  I still have my days where faith falters.  Perhaps the hardest thing is facing the reality of the true choices that I, myself, made and taking responsibility for them.

So here I am, at this point, 423 lbs., not able to sleep, realizing that the food I’m putting into my system is causing me reactions that are at a minimum, expressing toxicity in my system if not major intolerance, hardly able to move, winded walking from the car to the door of the apartment, not able to fly on an airplane without a lot of issues arising, not being able to sit at a booth at a restaurant, and only being able to find clothes that fit me through online ordering.  Not one store could I find a size that fit my stomach at that weight.   And you know what; it wasn’t the stores fault people.  It was my fault for allowing me to get that huge; that unhealthy.

Acupuncture started to help with the allergic reactions.  I started an elimination diet to find out what was causing, exactly my reactions.  Nearly everything was.  I was that toxic.  Gluten, processed rice, dairy, nuts, msg, all other kids of preservatives, fermented things, molds, sulphites; it left me with veggies, fruit and lean meat to eat.    I’d learn later that my system has yeast intolerance as well.  Do you realize how many things have yeast in them?  From soup to the obvious, bread.  Even gluten free breads have yeast.  Fruit, helps promote yeast development in your system.  So, fruit was limited to tiny amounts per month.   Predigested protein supplements i.e. liquid protein diets, were a lifesaver.  I began trying different types.  When I discovered that my system reacted poorly to whey protein, I switched and tried egg protein.  My luck, I was allergic to Steevia, a plant based sweeter in many egg protein drinks.   So I went to rice protein.  Rice has difficulty digesting in my system, so I went to soy.  Soy I’ve had no problems with whatsoever.    I tried a lot of different brands of things, but after looking at the ingredients, and with my particular dietary needs, started to make my own protein mixes using bulk soy protein, non gmo, from the whole foods store, with no calorie diet drink mix for flavoring.  Bariatric vitamins and liquid vitamins are mixed in when I am doing strict liquid for detox and continued weight loss.  A vitamin formula of Acai, l-glutamine, B complex, multivitamin, 5HTP, Quercitin, Omega 3, B12, and probiotics are taken every day.   Some days I do a mixture of lean and green meals with liquid.  Some days I do only lean and green if I’m feeling like I need more nutrition or if I’m expending a lot of caloric energy.   I incorporate my own version of Master Cleanse lemonade daily.   I eliminate the maple syrup and use Agave Nectar instead.  When I’m doing what I call “pure liquid” or  “hard core” liquid” diet, having no lean and green meals and no solids whatsoever, I make sure to incorporate the Master Cleanse lemonade several times a day as well a plain lemon water and limit my caffeine intake to one 8 oz glass in the morning.  Admittedly, I cheat- with dark chocolate every now and then, too much caffeine in regular coffee, no more Starbucks latte’s that’s for sure,  and potato chips.  It seems crazy to me that my system is allergic to all of these things, but I can still have a short stack of Pringles.  Insanity.  Not that I’m complaining!

 From April 2008 to September 2009, I have lost 179 lbs. 

Not only has my body changed, but my mind, how I look at things, my entire life has changed, completely.   I am no longer on any medications.  No antidepressants, no anti-anxiety drugs, no blood pressure medication, no diabetic medication.  I went from having uncontrolled high blood pressure even on three medications to normal ranges with no medication.  It wasn’t just weight loss that did it though.  It was also exercise.

I have always been sedentary, but was involved in sports in middle school and was a competitive swimmer in high school during the summers.  I didn’t like the competition aspect, more of the nice feel I’d get of peace being in the water.   In April 2008 when I started this, all I did was go to work and home to bed.  It’s all I could do.  I started my exercise program with something simple.  Yoga stretches.  My mantra was and I still have to remind myself of this even now, “be gentle with yourself…. Act lovingly towards yourself.”    Being a feeder or someone who stuffs is NOT being loving and gentle with yourself.  A very important point I had to realize in my life and would again this summer. 

 I went from yoga stretches, 5 minutes worth tops, to NIA movement, again, 5-10 minutes tops. Then to a Tony Little Glider that I could, at the beginning, only do 2 minutes of cardio at a time on.  After moving to Colorado in July, I started doing a few home workouts, 10-20 minutes of Tae Bo, short Pilates exercises’ (5 minutes).  At this point I’d lost nearly 100 lbs just doing that and with the liquid/lean and green diet.  In October I joined 24 hour fitness (not promoting it, just worked for me), and started walking and doing circuits.  I went from walking half a mile with no incline at a pace of 2 miles an hour to doing intervals of walking and running averaging 4 miles an hour for a total of 3 miles of cardio at an incline of 1-1.5 in just 3 months.  In February I added biking because I grew tired of walking and running.  10 miles was the distance that we had to go in Tri For the Cure, mini triathalon, so I that was my goal.   I’m now up to 20 and aiming for 25 miles a workout this week.  That’s each day I go to the gym in addition to all the other stuff I do there i.e. swim, walk/run, and circuits.  Everything was going great.   I met a great guy who was accepting me for who I was, in the process that I was in, had a great workout partner, a new job that would be starting in the fall, a great exercise routine.   Then, I lost my workout partner.  It threw me off completely.

I knew that I had done this mostly on my own, but I didn’t believe it.  I linked my ability to workout with having someone to just get me into the door of the gym.  It’s my belief that now, the universe is saying, “sweetheart, it’s always been you that’s been able to do it…. Now it’s time to show that truly to yourself.”

I started cooking a lot for my boyfriend helping him get through his final months of school.  He has interesting, complex dietary needs as well, and honestly, in the beginning, I reverted back to making comfort foods that were healthy but high calorically and full of carbohydrates.  I’d make things for him that I couldn’t eat because I was allergic to them.  But it didn’t stop me from having “just a little” spoonful.   Even with that, and not working out, I maintained my weight.  I didn’t gain or lose, for three months.   And I see THAT as a success.

So now, I’m ready for the final countdown.   I’m not cooking for my boyfriend anymore because he’s working in another state, so I can focus on only my food needs.   Whenever, if ever, I’m back to cooking for him and I together, there will be another test for me.  Really, with both of our complex dietary needs, it’s more of a good thing and a supportive thing when we are both dedicated to being healthy, than not.   I’m back at the gym 5 to 6 of 7 days.  I’ve starting back on full liquid with intermittent lean and green when my body tells me I need it.   I’m headed full blast, straight on, into accomplishing the last few milestones of this journey.   Yet still trying to consistently remember….

”be gentle with yourself—be loving to yourself—it’s been you that’s been able to do this the entire time, not anyone else doing it for you—you are doing the impossible.  When no one else believed you could do it, that you could get even to this point, you’ve proved them all wrong.   And if no one else believes that you can make the final turn of the corner to get to the finish line, well…. Sista’  you’re gonna prove them wrong again.”