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80% of parenting is modeling. It’s a really scary thought for most parents that 80 percent of the teaching we do, 80 percent of the learning our children get in the family, most of what they imbibe and take on as values come from them watching what we model and copying us! There may be a handful of parents who are relaxed about this having a clean conscience about their language, their attitudes, their manners and other behaviors. But for many of us this is a really pressurizing idea. Especially if you consider all the possible areas our children may be subconsciously absorbing values that we didn’t intend to pass on to them.
When my children were little, I despaired of them ever learning what I regarded as ‘nice’ table manners because I thought my husband, not me, was such a poor role model in this area. (Lovely as he was and is in many other ways.) But there were so many other areas where I wasn’t remotely aware that I was modeling behaviors. For example, what attitudes do we model? When something is hard do we give up? I know if I have an IT issue or I reach the tiniest obstacle with something electronic, I’ll wait until my husband can deal with it. (I told you he was nice.) What am I teaching my kids -- that there are areas that are completely beyond my expertise and I’m not going to try to improve but instead I’ll avoid dealing with those issues?
Still on the subject of attitudes, what do you do when you get a parking ticket? (A very common occurrence in Wandsworth where I live.) Do you berate yourself for being such a fool for not putting enough money in the parking meter? Do you say Daddy will be so cross that’s the third one this month? Do you say don’t tell Daddy? If so, what are we modeling for our children about dealing with mistakes? Are we teaching them that mistakes diminish us rather than being an opportunity for learning and should be covered up?
What about language? Have you ever heard your child on the phone sounding exactly like you? When I rang my five year old nephew recently he was very chatty and said “and how’s the family” in tones that sounded just like his mother! These are the positives of course. But how many of us emit an expletive or two in the hearing of our children and then get cross with them for doing the same?
How do we handle our feelings? When I’m sad, do I mooch around with a hang dog expression listlessly, sighing and finding it hard to get on with life? When I’m angry, do I put others down or criticize or resort to sarcasm? What do I do when my self-esteem is low? Do I do something to boost it or give up and withdraw?
When I’m fed up with my kids, do I tell them how rotten they are? If my children are fighting with each other do I smack the one I see as the perpetrator? What does smacking model? Is it telling my children that when they’re adults, they too will be able to use their power to hurt -- but they’re not allowed to hit their brother now?
When someone has upset me do I speak rationally to the person concerned or do I bottle up my feelings or explode? Do they see you resolving conflict well? Do they know you’ve made up with your partner after a fight and do they learn how you resolved things?
If you’re feeling a bit sick by now, keep reading as it gets better.
If I want my children to develop good social skills, what am I modeling around that? Do we all eat together at the table having conversations? Do they see me with my friends? Do they hear me talking positively about friends and family or do they get a litany of complaints? How you talk about your parents is how they’ll talk about you in adulthood!
What about lifestyle? We all know how important it is to encourage our children to eat well and take exercise and get enough sleep, but what do they see us doing in these areas? Is your breakfast a cup of strong coffee and do they hear that you were up half the night? Do you exercise with your kids or on your own where they don’t see it? How
