9 months to go

Continued from Gay Marriage ended my Marriage...

Today marks one month since we became roommates and stopped being a married couple.  It isn't easy.  Last night there were tears from both of us. More about life and the feeling of not having that other half to share with about struggles and situations than about our situation.  How do you handle holding someone you're no longer a spouse or partner to? I did the best I could saying, "I promise not to make any moves on you."  We both laughed.  I still believe she will make someone an amazing wife, as will I; we just aren't that person for each other.

I was supposed to tell my family last Saturday and I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I tried twice, but someone would talkover me (I am the baby, it happens) and I would back off from the topic.  Everyone was there, it was the perfect situation, but I just couldn't pull the trigger.  It was a happy gathering and so I felt my sadness would just bring everyone down. Or maybe I am a coward, feeling like a bit of a failure in my third divorce and didn't have the heart to shoot myself.

We will be getting together again on the 19th and I am going to try again to get the words to spill out of my mouth.  It isn't like I come from a perfect family.  My parents are divorced, my sister is on her 3rd marriage, and my dad thinks marriage is for idiots. Needless to say I didn't have great role models.

I realized the other day that I am using this time of living together, but not being together to hide.  I don't want to see the outside world yet. I don't want to hear one more person say "You should try this dating website." Why do people want me to be with someone else right away? I asked two very different friends how long they think someone should wait to date after a divorce.  Gay man: One month for every year you were together. So, 4 1/2 months.  Straight woman: 6 months for every year you were together. So 2 1/2 years!  I am in need of healing time and time to understand why I make the relationship choice I do, but 2 1/2 years? Wow! Maybe I should split the difference...1 1/2 years. Sigh...

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