Why Is Abortion After IVF Different Than Any Other Abortion?

I had an abortion two years ago because I just plain didn't want to have a baby. I'm extremely glad I did. I was 8 weeks along and I'm sorry if you think I'm selfish or not owning up to responsibility--I may be both of those things, but I was not going to place more importance on a little walnut-sized mass of cells with no sentience than the entire remainder of my life.

I am about to graduate from university, and will hopefully be going to law school after that. What would my life be if I were parenting? Law school would be pretty well out of the question, and probably university as well. There goes my dream. My life might be OK if I had chose adoption (although enduring a pregnancy, with everyone in my life, coworkers and friends, asking questions, and ultimately giving a baby away would have been an extremely difficult experience), but would the child's? We don't really know. Having an abortion meant no uncertainty. My life went on exactly as it would have otherwise. The only emotion I felt after the abortion was extreme relief and happiness, and I'll always know I made the right decision regardless of what people like you may think.

Also, just FYI, I was on the pill when I got pregnant. I was shocked to see a positive on the pregnancy test and I still can't think of when I would have conceived. So I was not being "stupid," exactly, by most people's standards.

I'd also like to address this position of thinking it's OK to have an abortion if a pregnancy results from rape, incest, etc., but not because you just don't want to have a baby. How does the fetus that results from rape have less of a "right to life", by your standards? Why is it that we have to judge how difficult a woman's experience has been in determining if it's right to "kill babies", as you put it? That position will never make any sense to me. I almost (ALMOST) have more respect for pro-lifers who argue that abortion should never be allowed, because that position actually makes logical sense, if you believe that life starts at conception.

One last thing: before I found out I was pregnant, whenever this conversation came up, I always said that I was fine with other people having abortions, if for what I judged to be a good reason, but swore that I would NEVER be able do it myself. Well guess what? That changed when I was faced with actually having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. I was on the phone with the clinic within 5 minutes of reading the pregnancy test. So that goes to both of you in this conversation: I don't believe you really know for sure that you would never have an abortion. Faced with the prospect of being a poor single mother, becoming trapped in a bad relationship, or enduring a 9 month pregnancy to ultimately give a baby away, it might start to sound like a good idea to you.

What does thinking about the decision beforehand and not making it flippantly have to do with anyone’s idea whether it is right or wrong? If I thought long and hard for a month about how I want to murder my coworker, then did it, I would have a harsher sentence than if I snapped in a fit of rage. Thinking it over first doesn’t make your decision any more right or wrong, but it does make you more culpable if it is wrong.

Also, I do not think that her husband cheating on her is a good reason to abort for mental health. A large percent of women in the country have been cheated on, a large percent divorce, and a large number of single mothers exist, who would prefer that their ex wasn’t still in their lives. Yes, it sucks, but if she had found out a year later that her husband had cheated, would she have drowned the kid in the bathtub or given it up for adoption? Probably not. Raising a baby as a single parent or with someone you no longer love is common, and people of stable mental health do it all the time. That she would not be able to handle that and never even considered this says that she shouldn’t have been trying so hard to conceive, and to go to extreme measures to become one is something I do think is wrong. If she had to abort for mental health because she didn’t want to raise the baby as a single mother or with someone she fell out of love with, she shouldn’t have been trying to get pregnant to begin with, as life isn’t guarenteed, and statistics show it is almost MORE likely that she wouldn’t be in love with her husband in 18 years at junior's high school graduation.

I am not saying that all women who had one abortion for mental health should not ever have another baby, life circumstances change, but this instance seems like she is flighty (never thought life wouldn’t be all perfect sunshine and roses once she got pregnant?) and needs therapy. So, yes, I do think she was trying for the easy and lazy way out of her mistake.

I didn't know that about all D&Cs recorded as abortions in the UK. Does the number 80 seem low then?

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I agree with you totally about the need for the door to work both ways. Along with the reasons for abortion after fertility treatments that you mentioned, you left out the most common cause for a D&C which is miscarriage. A D&C for ANY reason is listed as an abortion, even if it is only to remove the remaining 'products of conception'. Ending an ectopic pregnancy, which is also not viable and possibly life ending for the mother, is also listed on the books as an abortion. Twenty five percent of all pregnancies in the first trimester end in a miscarriage, including those pregnancies achieved through fertility treatments. Having to have an abortion to remove the remainder of a fetus is just bitter icing on a cruel cake.

Thank you for standing with me. It does get lonely here sometimes. But I feel strongly that we can't pick and choose our rights when it comes to our uterus. Limit me in one place and it's quite easy to limit me in another.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Catching up on my reading.

Thank you, Melissa. I want to thank you for continuing to unflinchingly write about choice, regardless of any heat you get within our community for it. I agree with everything you've written here, and don't really have anything to add, but I feel the need to stand beside you and be counted. As another infertile woman for choice. All reproductive choice.

Miabean, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

And I think that someone who has actually been there brings an enormous perspective to this discussion.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

No one takes the decision to have an abortion lightly. I just had an abortion after IVF and it was the hardest decision I've ever made - not because I questioned whether my husband and I made the right decision but because we had to make the decision. The pregnancy was much wanted after multiple fertility treatments and 2 prior miscarriages. We finally reached 12 weeks only to get the highest risk possible that something was wrong after undergoing early risk assessment testing. Waiting to get the numbers after the ultrasound and bloodwork, waiting to get the diagnostic testing, waiting to get the confirmed diagnosis, reading every possible article, study, etc. that google had to offer, had to have taken 5 years off my life. You may think you know what you would do if faced with similar circumstances, but I speak from experience when I say that you can't possibly know that until you are the person in those circumstances. Whether you would terminate or not is a deeply personal decision, but the right to make that decision - and to be treated with dignity and respect - is something that every woman deserves.

It definitely does depend on the definition of mental health and honestly, I think the only person who can define it and set the boundaries is the person in that position. Only a person knows what they can and can't do; what are their personal limits.

That said, I think it's an ongoing and popular assumption that people are having abortions because they are lazy or made a mistake, but I challenge you to find one person who will step forward and say they made the decision flippantly. Spend any time in an abortion clinic and you will have that assumption blown out of the water.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I think it's very much that idea that we should have an "in" door and no "out" door. And frankly, that scares me. I can understand the personal decision not to utilize the "out" door, but I don't understand the desire to remove that option for others.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa, I am pro-life, but I am not here to argue that. I feel like you made some good points in your article, but I do respectfully take issue with this sentence...

"The majority of people who have an abortion must have an abortion -- if not for their physical health, then for their mental health."

Honestly, I don't feel like that is true. I think that there are far too many people in this country that have abortions because they made a mistake or got lazy (clearly, not the people using IVF that most of this post is talking about). I guess it kind of depends on what you define as "mental health", though.

Mel, I really appreciate the fact that you write about the link between choices we make about getting pregnancy (via ART) and no longer being pregnant. I've never understood how people pro-fertility treatments can be against a woman's right to choose abortion.

This is so brilliantly stated: "knowing that it was my life, my body, my baby...and shouldn't I have the last word?"

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

"when happiness shows up, offer it a comfortable chair" - E Scrooge.

I often wonder about choices and why everyone (read..men) want to know what mine would be about MY body.

I went through 6 IUIs , tons of Clomid and an IVF , I endured a pregnancy that kicked my ass. Yet if we had found out that that our babies were very sick, would not live etc...I know that we would have said goodbye earlier than later. If that first u/s had told us that there were 4 instead of 2..I can assure you that in conversations beforehand we had decided that more than 3 (and 2 being what we felt we could both handle ...my BODY Too) would not be discussed and we would SR. I had come too far to put my life and my baby(ies) at risk with what other people thought that "Right thing" would be.

Plus beingin the IF camp for years by then, I saw women who wanted to carry those 4, 5, 6 babies..and I also saw a large percentage of them Lose all their babies because their bodies just couldn't do it.

Plus Abortion with me has always been a very sticky subject. I grew up Catholic, so we were taught at a very young age, no sex until marriage and no abortion for you young lady if you don't follow that above. I remember being young (before 12 or 13) and questioning that...knowing that it was my life, my body, my baby...and shouldn't I have the last word? Shouldn't my God and my conscience (heart) be my only guide?

there is no easy answer and the media wouldn't be satisfied with one anyway. But I stand with my 13 yr old self...no matter the circumstances or the reasons...it is my reason..my circumstance, my consequence and my choice.

Kir blogs at www.piccinigirlblogspot.com ( http://www.piccinigirlblogspot.com )

See, that's how it is in my life too. Abortion isn't for me, with my life, my resources, my marriage, and my support system. But I also have never been in the position to need selective reduction nor have I carried a child with a terminal condition. I feel like I can never say never until I am in the situation. Right now, I only know the decisions I would make from the comfort of my own home, in the comfort of a stable marriage.

And all I want are choices open--people don't need to use them, they just need to be able to make their own decisions.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Tabby Alexander

Put it that way and i think you just changed my mind on it..... this is crazy because i was totally against all abortion a year ago, but i am the first to understand that noone ever know the extent of anyones life or challenges... so from now on i think it is everyones choice... def. NEVER for me, but if that is the choice they make then so be it! I guess its like everyone else's choice to smoke ciggarettes or to not this is just more serious so everyone butts their nose in it

This is what I love about BlogHer--it's not a place for flame wars; it's a space for actual debate and conversation.

I trust that anyone making the decision to terminate after conceiving via IVF has given the decision a lot of thought and haven't entered into it lightly. It's not my place to question them or challenge them because I don't know their life. I only know my life and I can't make decisions that affect other people based on only what I know. So...I'd be okay with anyone terminating even if it is for social reasons because I've never been in their position nor walked a mile in their shoes.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Tabby Alexander

you're right about the condemned and shot part lol i was just using it to get my feeling across not literal...I should have came up w something else i guess and should have been more clear. on the other aspect i think a baby/child is a baby as soon as it is in mommy's belly!! Also what is your opinion.... do think a pregnancy should be terminated just because they dont wanna?

I'm truly not trying to pick a fight, but I'm not sure why it would be okay to kill to a person ("should be condemned and shot!) if it's not okay to terminate a pregnancy (which could not survive outside of the body, therefore, it's not a child, which is defined as a person between birth and puberty).

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Tabby Alexander

this has got to be one of the hardest subjects in the world..... Personally i never believed in it!! i have two small children and after having them i really dont think i would ever do it, but i do think there are some instances for it. I understand that some ppl have hard times and reasons such as financial difficulties or rape and such but i think for those of them who have no reason just did it because they made a mistake and dont want children at the moment should be condemned and shot!! I think ppl should have to live up to the responsibility!! You made the mistake, buck up!! dont kill a child because you were stupid!

I think that's something people don't truly get about choice--that it isn't pressing abortion, but instead leaves all options open to all women under all situations.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Interesting timing. I was just discussing this topic with a friend. She saw that I was reading Three Wishes and she had apparently seen an interview with the three authors and came away feeling less than pleased. Until the conversation with my friend, I hadn't heard the term "therapeutic abortion."

What on Earth is therapeutic about an abortion?

Different in Three Wishes, however, is that while all were on the road to motherhood (you need to read it to understand that sentence), one was actually an unplanned pregnancy that was eventually terminated due to trisomy 21. The other, trisomy 22, was a choice to try to conceive a child after a loss via miscarriage. Their well-written accounts were difficult to read. I cried my way through both, though harder with the second. They are choices I can't imagine making, choices I wouldn't wish on my worst of enemies. As to your question/points about not judging those who didn't go through IVF/etc in order to achieve pregnancy and then make the difficult decision to abort, yes, some people still judge them and, yes, some people still use the phrase "creating designer babies." My mind is still kind of spinning.

Of course, everyone assumes that I'm pro-life because I chose to carry to term. Not quite the case. I would help any mother who wanted to explore her options. I would help any mother who wanted to find a way to parent. I would help any mother who wanted to find an ethical agency. And I would help any mother find access to a safe abortion. When I say any mother, I mean it.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

You said that beautiful and so respectfully. And I agree--within reason, other people who will be affected should have their feelings weighed in the decision.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

So true--both the fact that there shouldn't be a different standard as well as the fact that people will always judge regardless.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

My heart goes out for the mother-to-be who opts for an abortion after all the emotional, physical, and financial toil of IVF.

As a "religious" individual, I believe in the sacredness of life..HOWEVER, I also believe in our right to choose. While I may agree with certain reasons to abort over others, I will always respect that woman for HER decision.

I agree with a great deal of this post, however, although ultimately it is her choice, she should take into consideration her partner's wishes (assuming its a healthy relationship)and any other person who may be significantly impacted by this decision. Nevertheless, her ultimate decision should be respected and NO ONE has the right to take the choice away from her.

Natalie

I agree that it should be the woman's choice. I also don't think that there should be a difference between the right to make that choice for someone who has used infertility treatments and someone who hasn't. That said there will always be those who judge and make comments.

Absolutely.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Exactly. I mean, how many people do you know who mindlessly enter into IVF without giving it profound thought? The price tag alone is enough to give one pause. If I don't want the gov't to tell me when I need to start a family, I also don't want them second guessing me if I need to terminate.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

This is all very difficult.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

I'm with you - choice is choice. Besides, why on earth should undergoing IVF make one less qualified to make their own decisions? I'd argue that this is the most informed possible population and that - as you point out - the issue is being inflated by including decisions about terminal conditions or selective reduction.

Thea habitually blogs at Nutgraf.net ( http://nutgraf.net/ ) and Cute or HR? ( http://cuteorhr.com/ )