The Absence of Gay Marriage is the Real Threat to Families

 Orginally posted at


 I'll give you a minute to prepare...or stop seeing red...

If gay men and women, had the option to choose marriage to someone of their same sex (you know, someone they are actually in love with- mind, body, & soul), most of them would obviously go that route (now stay with me).

With more gays marrying gays, that means less gays marrying straights.

When less gays marry straights, that means less children coming into marriages that are statistically bound to fail.  

And this means, less destruction of families, less divorce, due to the misery of a mom and dad who are not of the same sexual orientation and are banging their heads against walls.  

Children of divorce.  Misery of the spouses.

Now, that's with divorce.  

Without divorce, you have children raised with a type of nurturing that is bathed in the misery of their parents.  Mine were.  

{Sidenote (I like sidenotes):  I believe that many people, especially those of the religious right, don't see happiness as an important part of life.  Or maybe their definition of happiness has more to do with how they appear, with fitting into their religious/cultural mold, and putting aside their own unique identities.  Who am I to say that is not a form of happiness for them?}  

I want to quote again from CLP's No More Goodbyes (I use this source often because for decades people in marriages like mine have been sharing with her).  One of the countless gay men that have reached out to her, wrote of his marriage to "Janet".  He said,

"I've been married for three years to 'Janet,' a girl I've known since childhood. Our marriage is wonderful.  It's sweet.  It's the most precious gift Heavenly Father has given me.  It amazes me even still...At any rate, Janet and I have encountered the dumbfoundingly complicated difficulties of our situation...
I would truly love nothing on this planet more than to view my sweet wife as most men view women. It makes my heart ache that I can't give that to her."  (NMG's, p. 102) 

Sure, life does not come without difficulties.  But why knowingly choose this type of union to add extraordinary difficulty to a life that already ain't no picnic- cause, you know, life can be impressively challenging.  

Carol Lynn also shares a very personal account of holding her dying husband,  

"'Gerald, what would have happened if you had just made yourself stay?  If you had just made yourself put away that other part of you, just gritted it out, what would have happened?'  
He thought only for a moment.  'You would have watched me die in a different way, that's all.  Bit by bit, I would have gotten bitter and empty and ugly.  That 'other part of me' isn't just a part, you know.  It's the center.  People don't understand that.'"  (NMG's, p. 69)

I was the straight spouse.  We die, too.  As I have explained it to others, the feminine part of me had been shoved into a closet (aren't closets handy?).  I couldn't let her out, because then I would have to face what I was living without, and it would have eaten me alive.  Remember, denial and repression were my BFF's.  

My poor kids.  They were the brunt of fits of rage I would have, triggered by teeny tiny things.  But never mind the rage, I still struggle with the mommy guilt that I was so often unavailable for my 2 older children.  I just didn't know how to be emotionally present for them, because I was not emotionally present for myself.  I was slowly eroding, unable to give when fighting to thrive.  
The Boy Who Lived (in My Head)
When I was 15, I thought I'd fallen in love.  This boy.  Damn.  He was that delish Eurotrash type with the pale skin, dark hair, broody, listened to The Pixies, et al, that we referred to as Progs (btw, I'm now into swarthy Italians).  I loved him and pined for him from afar until high school graduation.  Then at college, thousands of miles away, I thought I still loved him.  These feeling and thoughts of a young, naive girl who knew nothing about mature romantic love, continued.  Then I married Matt and put them aside.  
Then one day (I'm sure this story will be a whole blog post in itself~ only snippets of the story for today), when I was depressed,  I thought of boy.  Then I felt guilty.  Then a couple years later, I thought of boy again and cried.  As I cried, I thought, "I still love him!"  Then, like, a year after that, I contacted boy and cried lots and lots.  Then I started living a separate fairy tale in my head about boy.  I told Matt I wanted to be with boy.  (It may sound like I was going crazy a little bit, but it will all make more sense in the more detailed post)
In my desperate state I was looking for someone to save me.  Make me feel beautiful!  Make me feel feminine!  Attack me!  Devour me!  Worship my body!  Good Lord, please!  Before I cry myself into a shriveled, withered state of human being-ness!  Before my gaunt and emaciated soul poofs out of existence!

This became a full on sitch, on top of a full on sitch.  Matt did not take this well.  Understandably.  We were, like, married and all.  *please make a note that I did not have an affair*

I had to believe in this fairy tale for survival.  And the price I paid for believing was even more angst and anguish in an already sucky situation. More misery for Matt and I to doggy-paddle through while our kids needed us so much. 

Other fairy tales I believed in were un-fairy tales.  Like, no one really has good sex.  Sex isn't really about passion. My neighbor who told me about the great sex on her honeymoon was obviously lying, cause that is not real.  

Survival.  Plain and simple.

Let the Gays Marry Each Other Already 

Those currently in a MOM marriage, I truly do not know what to tell you.  I feel your...everything.  I understand.  Nurture your kids by showing them what awesome partners the 2 of you are.  This is PARAMOUNT!  Whatever you ultimately decide, decide as friends, best of friends. 

I think a huge trap a lot of young people in MOM dating relationships fall into is believing that this can be different for them, that they will be the ones to break the mold and reverse a situation that counters logic.  Also, they don't realize the dating relationship is a lot different than marriage (can I get a What What!).  While you're dating, and this was true for Matt and I, it's so exciting to hold hands and kiss and lay on top of another real live person while kissing- especially when you're a virgin (the Mormon faith teaches no sex before marriage).  And exciting to identify with each other in goals and dreams and youth and hope.

You young'uns don't want me to burst your fairy tale bubble.  I'm sorry.  But you have potential children in your insides.  And if you guys get married, you have potential children of divorce and/or a very special kind of misery.

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