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I'm feeling more pressure than ever to lose weight (and quickly!) because I want to look good in a bathing suit during spring break (which is coming up in 10 days). I keep contemplating drastic diets just because I want that binge weight off NOW. The underlying "catastrophe" fears around that are that people will notice I've gained weight, people will judge me for gaining weight, and people won't like me as much because I've heavier. My other "catastrophe" fear is that I'm going to spin completely out of control and get as fat as my mom if I don't gain control NOW. But the more I try to gain control, the more I spin out of control. There ARE things about me that make me a good person that have nothing to do with my weight. I am so much more than a number on scale. And its the drastic dieting that will screw me up the most. That's how my mom has gotten so heavy. Diet after diet of restricting and then feeling deprived and then losing control. I have to let myself have the foods I like. I will try to keep eating sweets to a minimum because that is ALWAYS what starts a binge, but if I deprive myself of them completely, then I will binge because I feel deprived. If I can just pay attention to my body by eating when I'm hungry & stopping when I'm full (but eating what I really want!) I will be in so much better shape.
It's really sad to me that so much of my selfworth is caught up in appearance. I am SO much more than that. I also have to recognize that it would be better to be a little heavier than I want on the cruise but work towards healing for good than it is to work on short term weigh loss that will just screw me over even more.
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God gotta help me get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
Said I'm gonna get through this
I gotta get through this
