Accepting my journey, also, Emma's "Prd"


This morning was one of those, wake up, take a shower, go back to bed in a towel "for just a few minutes" mornings. Those mornings never end well, especially when you have places to be, and even more especially when you are taking a two year old and a three year old with you.

Needless to say, we ended up running late, which involved more stress and barking at little ones than was probably necessary. "Where's your jacket? Where are your shoes? Why did you take your socks off?! Let's go! We are late! Put the Legos down, we have to go. We have to go now! No, we are not doing a puzzle right now, we are looking for your shoes!" You know, that sort of thing.

We had two things to do today, which is one more than I usually have. One. Little. Thing. And I think that is what threw me off today.

About a month ago I took a sleep test. You know, where you have to go in and they hook all the wires to your head and body and watch you sleep? Yeah. It was loads of fun. And they told me I have moderate sleep apnea. For me, I just interpret this as, "You are now too fat to sleep in a healthy way." Way to go, me!

I have been having a hard time coming to terms with this. Not sure why. I mean, I know I am fat. I have accepted it. Sort of. I mean, accepted it for now. I am still determined to lose the weight I put on with three babies in five years and the antidepressant meds. I refuse to buy new clothes at the weight I am, which is why my wardrobe only consists of two pairs of sweat pants and a couple pairs of yoga pants. 

Anyway, the sleep apnea is one of those things I am viewing as a temporary thing as well, which is why I'm having a hard time accepting it. The problem is, just accepting it and using the CPAP machine is going to make me feel better, according to the experts.

So, today I finally went to go pick up the machine.

The office was across town, kind of on the way home from my moms group. And I take James and Will with me to the moms group, because they love going with me and playing with all the toys there. I had been thinking about how this was going to work for a couple of days, because I don't usually take the boys with me anywhere. It's a little too stressful. But I also didn't want to drive all the way across town twice, when picking up the machine was right on the way. So I sucked it up and decided that I could make the attempt at bringing the boys with me to pick up the machine.

It actually went really well. I prepped the boys before hand to be really good and really quiet and to stay close to mommy. They sat together on a chair for most of the time, and I gave them both suckers to keep them occupied. Will got a little restless and started to wiggle and squirm out of his chair, so I had to talk to him a few times, but really, they did such an excellent job while I was receiving instructions on how to set up and use the CPAP machine. At one point, Will took off down the hall and I had to go get him and keep him on my lap, but there was no screaming and crying, so I chalk it up as a success.

It was kind of stressful, though, for me. I hold all that stress in and then it manifests itself later. When we drove home, I stopped at Chick Fil A (my comfort food place) and I got an Oreo shake (which is to die for). Then, after lunch, everyone went down for naptime. I waited til my mom was available and Steve was home, and I went down and took a nap. I was so exhausted. I slept til 7:00. What??? That was like 4 hours. Again.

As I've been thinking about it, I think it was the interruption of adding something new to the routine, and that that something was mildly stressful.

I hate that my routine is so fragile.

I have been doing so well, helping with meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, etc. Then I have a day like today and I feel like it all falls apart. At least I can pinpoint the reason. So I guess that's a good thing? Like I said, though, I just wish I was stronger and could handle things like this in a better way than needing to come home and sleep it off.

I refuse to beat myself up for it, though. It is what it is, and I accept it.

This whole process is a learning process and a journey.

AND that stupid CPAP machine will supposedly help me sleep better so I won't have to be so tired that I need naps during the day. So it was worth it, right? ....


Emma has been trying to give her doll a birthday party for a couple of days now. She has been prepping and prepping for a party. Today, all of the adults finally gave in and came to her birthday party. She was in seventh heaven.

This morning, while everyone was still asleep in bed, Emma delivered invitations. "You Are inVitid to A Prd." This evening, before dinner, she took James(3) downstairs and dressed him in his dress shirt for the party. When we finally came upstairs to her Prd this evening, we were instructed that it was a surprise party for her doll Lizzie and that we needed to hide. When Emma counted to three, we were to come out from our hiding places and shout, "Surprise!"  

Baby Lizzie was very excited, according to Emma. Next, we played games. First, we had to line up and see how high we could make her fairy Barbie fly. Then, we had to line up and pick out a princess to take a ride on her toy horse. Finally, Emma handed out strips of yellow construction paper to Grandpa and James and told them that they were wings. They needed to flap them up and down like birds. She had yellow circles cut out with little eyes and beaks, as well. These were to be taped to our foreheads. "They are bird heads." That was apparently all the explanation we needed.

Then Emma gave Grandma and me necklaces strung with macaroni that matched hers, and we all had Rice Krispie treats for a snack. We sang happy birthday to Lizzie, then at Emma's direction, we shouted, "Happy Birthday, Lizzie!", then "Happy Day, Lizzie!", then "Happy Jersey Day, Lizzie!" (It was sports jersey day at school today.)

Overall, I think it was a success. I think we might have a party planner on our hands.


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