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“The child
must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world
there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be,
another child like him.”
-Pablo Casals
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Infertility is a bitch.
And to be frankly honest, so am I. So why is it so hard to give up the
fight? Why do we continue with the stress and the drugs and the tests
and the never ending negative pregnancy tests?
Adoption is an option.
An option that unfortunately is a source of great heartache between
Husband and me. I want to adopt. I want a baby. I want a child. I
want to know that this little person is ours and will forever be my
family. Husband wants his OWN baby, his OWN child. A child that
biologically is his. This is a stance that I cannot seem to grasp. I
try to explain to him that even an adopted child will be HIS child.
His son. His daughter. Because as I like to remind him, it’s not like
you can return them.
I come from a large
family. My mother was one of eleven. Yes you read that right. Eleven
children! Eleven children , nine of which had children of their own.
You are never at a loss for friends when you have a gajillion cousins.
Yes a gajillion. This big, loud family was the norm for me. I love
the noise, the companionship, the constant conversations. I LOVE the
fact that there is always fourteen different conversations going on at
once. We all have opinions, we all have our own personalities, we were
never at a loss for a good debate. No subject was taboo – sex was
talked about at the dinner table, religion debated over coffee and
current events for breakfast.
And as much as I love
Husband, I admit I find myself wistfully daydreaming about the day when
my own house will be the madhouse I know and love. Husband is a quiet
man. Well thats not intirely true. He is a shy person but once he is
comfortable around you, you can hardly get him to shut up. He is
passionate, intelligent, well read and honest but he is most
comfortable with quiet. His family is the incredibly quiet kind. The
kind where you could be around them for days and not have a
conversation more derisive then the weather patterns. Don’t get me
wrong, his family is fabulous and I honestly love them. I, daily, am
grateful for being lucky enough to have in-laws that are honestly good
people and crazily enough, they like me!
It just is that I
normally do not operate with a verbal filter. I tend to say exactly
what pops into my mind and verbalize these crazy thoughts without
forethought to how incredibly stupid I probably sound. And when I’m
around the in-laws, because I know I lean towards filter-less, I get
incredibly nervous and then tend to say even stupider things! I often
feel like the undereducated, southern hick that I am. I mean I know
I’m really smart. I know that his parents like me. But for whatever
reason I tend to be even more open-mouth-insert-foot than normal.
But back to my original
point. Husband has agreed that no matter what, we will eventually
adopt. We both honestly feel that we are two level-headed, intelligent
beings. We have good morals and values and believe we can offer a good
household to any child. Where we go off course though is that I’m
ready to adopt now, Husband is not. I can see his side, he wants a
child that is “his”. And I know Husband is nervous about children. I
know he has little experience with babies and the little he does have
was due to my borrowing friends kids so he can experience them. I know
he is fearful of the unknown. I know he will be the best father ever
because I would never of married him otherwise.
I think I press the
adoption issue more because I believe Husband will be a great father.
I believe he deserves children who love him and he loves. I believe
that more than anything Husband wants to be a father and I am daily
heartbroken that I cannot provide him with children. Aside with my
personal feelings towards the incompetence of my fertility, I grieve
for Husband and the children he so dearly wants to love. I know that
even though an adopted child is not biologically ours, that child will
be fiercely loved.
I want to provide
Husband with a child, I need to prove that even though I am
