- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 8
- 19
-
Sparkle (5)
Knowing that I was moving back to a small town after years of living in cities, I looked at my therapist and said: "I can't date someone who has children. I just can't. I'm not ready."
Six months later? I was in a relationship with a man who had a 10-year-old son. And while I was in love with both the man and the kid, I was totally lost. It turns out there is very little literature on how to date someone who has children. I was on my own.
Photo by Single Parents Specials.
To be clear, I wasn't against dating someone with children because I don't like children. There is nothing wrong with single or divorced parents. It wasn't about that. For me, it was the Great Unknown. I was 29 years old, and the majority of my friends in Chicago were childless or childfree, whichever term you prefer.
But my friends back home in the small town I was moving back to? All of them had gotten married in their early 20s. Most of them had 3 or 4 children a piece. I knew that by moving back here, I was inviting many children into my day-to-day life -- and probably my love life, too. And I was scared sh*tless.
Despite all of my fears, I reconnected with this man from my youth. He had a son with his ex-girlfriend, who I also remember from my past. After running into him over a period of months, we began dating. Overnight, I was thrown into a brave, new world -- one that involved a tween.
I scoured the Internet for advice about dating people with kids. The only books I could find were about step-parenting. I wasn't a step-parent -- far from it. Considering the divorce rate in this country, I thought finding the advice would be easy. Oh, silly Blondie. Then I posted about it on my own blog. I got the same advice from multiple people: "Be yourself."
OK, what next? *crickets*
My relationship with this man continued for... I don't know? Like a year and a half? We were on and off, and it wasn't the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. But I did learn a LOT about the kiddos and how to deal with them. So here is my advice about dating people with kids. Take from it what you will:
Wait
Even though my boyfriend was eager to introduce me to his kiddo early on, we waited a long time before it actually happened. You have to make sure you're serious and your partner is serious before you bring the kiddos into the mix. It's not fair to the kids if you aren't going to stick around. I recommend waiting at least 3 months before the introduction. Even if you already know the children, you shouldn't be showing up too soon.
Meet the Ex
I lucked out with my boyfriend's ex. She was married and was actually pregnant with her third child when I "met" her. (It's a small town, so we kind of knew each other, but not really.) I was extra, extra lucky because my boyfriend had a (mostly) good relationship with her. This is not always the case, but that's another blog post.
For now, my advice is to also play the waiting game with the ex -- take your time before you meet him or her. Be respectful when you do. Realize you are taking someone else's child into your life. Show that you care about the child, and you will go a long way towards a good relationship with the mother or father of your brand new kid.
Don't Be Their Friend
Just as with any old parent-child relationship, it's a bad idea to try to be "friends" with your significant other's child. It's easy to want to impress them and be that cool, new person in their life, but they need the structure, seriousness, and guidance that only adults can provide. You are still in charge. (Even when it totally doesn't feel like it.)
Lay the Smack Down Early
My boyfriend was a supreme joker, so it came naturally that his child was, too. But some of the things they said or did were NOT funny. I let a lot of things slide for waaaay too long. Then one night, I'd had enough. I looked directly at the boy, right in front of his father, and laid it out. I said, "Do you talk to your mother that way? Then don't talk to
