Advice for Real Life: Ask Stacy Morrison, Redbook Editor-in-Chief, About Her Book On Divorce

It is very hard going through a divorce when

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This story was truly heartwarming to read, as were some of the readers questions and responses to this story. I can only sympathise with every one and their trials - you dont want someone who doesnt know how you feel to give empty sympathetic cliches - i can only know what i have gone through and hope that you find yourself at the other light of the tunnel with hope and joy.
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My partner and I have been having so many troubles lately and more and more the idea of divorce enters my mind. Am i giving up too easily? I would like for us to stay together but some days i feel so uncertain about our future that I cant bear another second of it. We have no children, just property and what was a once fulfilling love.
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I've not been married before so I cannot share any experiences about that. However as a child, my parents divorce was the hardest thing i've ever gone through. I did not, at that stage realise that it was hurting them both so much, in fact i was that self centred that i thought they were doing it to punish me! Thank you for your inspirational words, they have helped me to understand my parents better.
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I wanted to say thanks for writing this book. I in the midst of my own divorce now and I will be going to get a copy tomorrow. My situation is a bit different in that I am the one who requested the divorce. Still the emotions of guilt over hurting someone so much in order to do what I had to do for myself is tremendous.

Being in the moment  - on the kitchen floor  - that example was so incredibly powerful for me. Thank you

Great question  - I am in the midst of it all  - about a month ago I told my husband that I didn't want to be married anymore - and we are now living  in the same house out of financial necessity until it sells. I am on the other end - but I think that the minute the divorce starts happening whether you are the divorce-er or the divorcee  - the word "depend" can only rely to one person - yourself. 

The difference I am seeing is trying to reach something slightly above civility  - where the process can happen - forms can get signed - discussions can be had - because they have to be - trying to depend on someone who either told you they no longer want to be married or someone who you are telling you don't want to be married to is an unfair expectation in my opinion.

This is slightly different if you have kids - as a parent I imagine (I don;t have kids) that your kids deserve to be able to depend on both parents no matter what the divorce means to the parents.

It's been five years since my divorce. The thing about divorce that you REALLY don't realize until you go through it is that no matter what the situation -- even if it's mostly amicable, even if it's "easy" on paper (we didn't have children) is that it downright sucks. I could not wait for mine to be final. I prayed for that day. But the morning I stood before the judge and had to vocalize the end of the relationship, I fell apart. It truly is a "death," and grieving, in some form, must take place for you to move on.

Morrison is so right - there is a lot of pressure for there to be a winner and loser in a divorce. People tried to offer support to me by villifying my ex. It doesn't help. If you're only focused on who "wins" or "loses" in a divorce, you're missing the point. Unless you examine yourself, why the relationship failed, and what  you've learned from it, I doubt you're ever going to find any real peace or closure.

Anyway, I just wanted to comment that the book sounds great, and I can't wait to pick up a copy.

Amy blogs over at This Northern Life ( http://thisnorthernlife.com ).

Thank you for those words, Lisa, and for your response. Your comment about your mothers group reminds me that I wouldn't have been able to get through this time without blending households with my best friend, who was also divorcing at the same time. Our little female commune has provided  round-the-clock support; I think all of us - mothers and children - would be flailing without it. It wouldn't work for everyone, but damn I am glad it does for us!

And yes, my daughter has grounded me - kept me in reality - this past year. And I've become a better parent because of it. There really are silver linings, aren't there?

Thanks again!

     For those of us who've gone through divorce with school-age children, divorce is an opportunity. With three sons, chances are (much as I hate to admit this), one of them will experience a devasting loss of a relationship someday. My opportunity was to show them how to end a relationship with grace and good character, and figure out what that looked like even on the worst of days.

     One of the things I wanted to do most after the divorce was to be done with their dad for good, but for their sakes, I had to reconfigure a new relationship with him -- one that didn't cause the boys stress every time they saw us together. This took time. Sometimes it required me to be generous/flexible about money or scheduling when I didn't really want to be. But now? I'm so happy I've taken this route. Seven years later, my boys are thankfully doing very well...

     Being your best self isn't something you do for your ex necessarily, it's something you do for yourself and your children. Stacy's book sounds like a much-needed resource for how to survive an awful time with integrity. That's a book I never found back when I was searching! So glad to hear it's hitting the shelves.

Kelly, too true. The process of getting divorced, whether you mediate, litigate or both, is a trail of paper cuts, big and little, that are enough to make a woman crazy or angry or both. Sounds like it's bringing out the worst in your situation and I'm so so so sorry to hear that. Stacy has a great anecdote in her book about a custody detail she and her husband argued about, as well as the house from hell which delayed their divorce. I'll ask her to share that.

Sending you a huge hug,

L

Go get 'em! :)

Thanks for sharing your own crying on the floor, muffling the sound with a towel - - AND your own brand of kick-ass empowerment, Lovebabz. Finding joy in everyday autonomy and survival is a wonderful strength, I agree.

Great question JustLinda, thank you.

Because I really do think it means different things to different people.

Truer words were never spoken: "I've seen the best of me and the worst of me come out during this time." I've been mulling this -- do we need to hit those lows, those worsts in order to strive for and appreciate the bests next time?

I was just re-reading you wonderful post, Divorced for the Holidays: I Can Do This Right? ( http://www.blogher.com/divorced-holidays-i-can-do-... )

My two lira? Everyone is different, but I would say live grief about my divorce -- acute, constantly present -- took six years. I know that sounds like an eternity and indeed it felt like one. But that was what I needed to do.

For what it's worth, what made my own "alone" more bearable was an amazing mother's group (we met every Monday night for five years after our kids were born), my work and my son -- I think we built more complicated Lego sets in the first six years of his life than I even thought possible. He taught me to jump on beds and couches, hold pillow fights and remember how to laugh. Ultimately I made a decision to invest money I didn't really have in therapy -- or "maintenance" as a dear friend recently described it to me. :)

I admire your frankness, Lara. I love your description of sweaty, hard work. Because it was for me. I think that kind of work is required to survive and grow, as Giyen described above. Can't wait to hear Stacy's prescription for actual peace...

I've explained it just like Stacy and just like you have here, Lisa. It's like a death because all the dreams and wonderful things you were hoping to finally experience (in my case, they never came to fruition, I just kept waiting for them) will never come true with that person. My divorce is taking forever and that's more of a pain in the ass than just ripping off the bandage and having the pain start to heal. 

You can't help but remember all the good times that you did have with the person except when the person makes it really easy to hate them because they are incredibly stupid and greedy and unfair during the divorce because they want to continue to hurt you. Why, I think, does he care THAT much? Why NOW? If he put half that effort into marriage then...sigh. Well, you know the rest.

Stacy is a fantastic woman and I'm looking forward to reading this and learning more about how she wades through this.

I, too, have never been married, but this is day 6 of my break-up week with someone I've been living with for 4 years. It feels like a divorce. It feels like heartbreak. But at the same time, if feels like a lot of hope and new beginnings, too.

What divorce taught me was that I was my own light house...my own safe harbor.  I too have been on the floor, the bathroom floor muffling my crying with towels so my children wouldn't hear and be freaked the hell out because "mommy is having another moment"

There is an aloneness to divorce that only other divorce people know.  It feels like the world is cracking and you are right in the hollow losing ground.  But in reality you are gathering the tools for an extraordinary life.  Once you are done with all the crying, whining and telling the story of how you were "wronged"  then you begin to realize all the POWER you possess to create the life you want.  That is the greatest gift... your own compass!

There certainly does seem to be a million and one books out there on divorce survival. Thank you for pointing out the best one for us. It can get real confusing out there sometimes.
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Like the time I found myself lying on my kitchen floor for the fourth or fifth time, crying away another night, and I realized that even though I had so many people in my life who wanted to help me, no army of friends was going to be able to meet me here in my alone.

Lord, how this sentence speaks to me. I can't wait to read this book. Already a year out of my divorce, and I'm beginning to the think whomever told me it truly takes 2 years to get "over" it was right. For me, although the process was relatively quick and amicable, I've had more than a few moments of crippling grief. Factor in my young daughter's adjustment to a home without her dad, and the assertion that divorce is a particular kind of hell is more than accurate. Just last night I told a friend it feels like I'm stuck in situational muck, and I have no choice but to muddle my way through - but it's going to be a sweaty and hard and painful journey. And that leads me to my question(s):

What were some of the things that made your "alone' more bearable? What strategies did you use when you had those moments of losing sight of imagining who you wanted to be and what you wanted your life to be like? How did you refocus? Recenter?

Can't wait to read it! Thanks.

Lara

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How much control did you have over what you showed your child?

I've never been through a divorce and am still in love with and married to the father of my child. However, on the days we have fought, I've struggled to keep my emotions under wraps until my daughter went to bed. Do you have any advice about how much rawness to let your children see and how to distract yourself while they're around if you don't want to show them the hurt or anger toward their other parent?

It's nearly 20 years in my past and most days, weeks, months, it doesn't even cross my mind anymore. 

The rearview mirror is a great way to validate that you've done the right thing and I, now, have no doubt I did.  When my grown daughter told me the best way I advocated for her and her sister was to leave their father, that vanquished any doubts that may have lingered.

I knew I had cut my losses, as the saying goes, so in spite of the troubles that followed the actual divorce, I know I came out ahead in my net position. 

However, part of the impetus for my divorce was because my spouse wasn't willing to be a PARTNER with me.  And if one isn't compelled to step up in partnership during a marriage he or she may even be LESS likely to step up after the dissolution. 

My question isn't for me - this is all well behind me and I made it through the best I could.  But for others who may be on an earlier part of their path - how does one find the peace they seek when still having to depend upon cooperation from an individual who is not willing to come to the table as a partner?

Since I've never been married, I've never gone through an actual divorce.  I have, however, gone through the co-mingling of things, the mechanics of separation, a custody battle and the struggles of co-parenting with an ex. I've seen the best of me and the worst of me come out during this time. I'll agree with you when you say that it's  "the best thing that ever happened to me."

I haven't read your book yet, but based on this excerpt I am wondering:

What does "being at peace" look like directly after the divorce vs. what it means to you right now?