All This Rape Talk Hurts

Because yes, I am a rape victim. I was a virgin and while he was assaulting me he kept saying "come on you asked for it". I knew my attacker, I took his puppy for walks. Heck, I did have a teenage crush on this guy, why else would I take his puppy for walks? He was old enough to have his own apartment and I was in *10th grade in high school. (edited due to memory mistake) I met him at the apartments near our house, at the pool that we used to go swim at. Until that day,because after that, I never went back.

My only consolation was that I bled all over his pretty fabric sofa.  When he finally got off of me I ran to the bathroom and locked the door and sobbed.  He said "I didn't know you were a virgin". "Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?". I was scared to open the door to the bathroom, I had to pass him to leave his apartment. 
 
I didn't report my rape, because it was my fault, because as he said: "you asked for it".  How could I possibly tell anyone what had happened?  I felt so brutalized and violated and it was my fault because somehow I gave this man the impression that I wanted to have sex. How does a 15* year old do that? (edited from 13 years old...faulty memory) 
 
I was raised with an iron fist, my dad was quick to spank me, pants down bare ass spankings. And he never listened to "my side". If I got into trouble, I was always in the wrong. Dad always sided with whoever cited my misdeeds. My mom, well she didn't know what was going on in my life. My family life wasn't so pretty at the time of my rape, my parents were on the outs with each other. I shut them out. 
 
So I stayed in bed for a few days, petrified that I was pregnant. And I was afraid that my dad would probably beat the crap out of me for "asking for it" when he found out I was pregnant. My friend from school came over on the second day I was in bed and I cried in her arms as I told her what happened.
 
I was acquaintance raped before there was even a name for it. 
 
I was not pregnant thank goodness. 
 
I've lived with this memory for 40 years, trying to bury it.
 
And now all this talk of different levels of rape is front and center, a man a supposed leader is categorizing rape for god's sake. 
 
And it's dredging up old memories that hurt. 
 
Because you never "get over" being raped.  
 

This was playing during my attack.  I've only been able to listen to it in the last 10 years.  

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