Always a woman

“Love me like you loved me when you loved me and you didn’t have to try.”   Luke Bryan

 

I lost a friend this week and it really sucks.  Being new in a community and being a single mom, I don’t come by friends easily.  I don’t have time to get out and make friends.  I’m always at work or with my son.  I met this man online and immediately liked him.  He made me grin, think and relax, and I know that I did the same for him.

For several weeks, we entertained one another, and became “the last call of the day” for one another.  Saying goodnight, as we unwound in our separate places and settled in to rest.   I thought this was the beginning of an epic friendship – the kind novels are written about.   Ok, maybe I didn’t think that quite so much as I thought this was someone I would love to hang out with, get to know better and spend energy on.

Unfortunately, he had other plans.  Seems he had met another woman that he was interested in a few weeks before me – and because he was attracted to me, he felt that would interfere with this other relationship – he told me that he could no longer talk to me.

My immediate reaction was to point out the absurdity of what he was saying.  He had known the woman slightly longer than me, and was attracted to both of us – but because he met her first, he could not build this epic friendship with me, and wouldn’t be writing his half of our novel after all.  He could have female friends, he explained, but not me – because he couldn’t talk to me without being attracted to me.

I can’t deny that I was crushed.  Not just because he was one of the few friends I had made here, but also because he was making what I felt was a stupid choice and further, because I enjoyed him so much, I knew I was going to miss him.

I fought.  I argued my case and I won.  He agreed to remain friends with me and we would meet in person, for the first time the following day.   I felt a huge swell of relief.  I wouldn’t be losing this friendship after all!  We could start writing our novel immediately… but in the wake of relief, I was overcome with sorrow.

 I shouldn’t have to talk someone into being my friend

 I’m kind of amazing, and people should want to be with me.  Friendship, especially new friendship, shouldn’t be this painful.  By talking him into remaining my friend, I lost a part of my soul.   I’d humbled myself too much. 

We finally met.  I saw him through the window and my heart sank.  I had been hoping he would be ugly to make what I had to say easier but he wasn’t.  He was very handsome. Startlingly good looking, he sat across from me with brilliant blue eyes listening as I stumbled for the words I’d been practicing all day.  “I’m not being true to myself if I have to beg someone to be my friend.”  

Somehow, because we are us, we began talking of other things, and I relaxed a millimeter and found myself laughing with him.  As I heard my voice, I hardened my heart.  Less than 24 hours before he was willing to throw our friendship away.   Don’t laugh with him!  But, I couldn’t stop myself.

I genuinely enjoyed this man and 2 days out, I miss him tremendously.   I stupidly, keep looking out my window half-hoping to see him standing there with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel towards my house.  But, of course, that’s not going to happen.   He had another woman to run to, and he isn’t missing me, or the final call of the day, at all.

As much as I miss him, and as much as I replay that final conversation - wishing I had phrased things better, and wondering if it was a mistake to walk away.  I know, in my heart, that I deserve to be treated better than he was treating me in that moment and I am glad that I defended my honor.

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