Am I Crazy?

I have needed to vent about this for a few days, but every time I sit down at my computer to write I find myself having second thoughts about sharing. I think my fear is that if I come across as a normal mother who loses their patience sometimes, my super hero label will disappear. I guess I just always feel the need to seem in control even when I am not, but  I really feel guilty about my parenting style I used this week and I feel all my readers deserve to know what happened. Maybe, if I am lucky,  someone, somewhere will tell me it is normal. But it isn't for me.


I seem to have an endless amount of patience with my ASD child. I mean, he can be screaming for over an hour and I can handle that. This week was the week from hell. Whatever could go wrong went wrong and to be perfectly honest I was beyond overwhelmed. Charlie seemed to scream for two days straight which put everyone else in the household on edge as well. I guess you can relate it to walking through a mine field knowingly. You know that at any moment your whole environment could just blow up and be in crisis. To make all of this worse, I got my period and my hormones were off the rictor scale. With all the issues revolving around his school, his severe behavioral problems and my PMS... well, I think you can relate, at least I hope.


The day was just craziness filled with tantrums and screaming over what seemed to me as stupid, ridiculous issues. "Jacob moved my cars, Jocelyn looked at me and Krystal touched my pillowcase." I wish he had spoken and told me what was going on but that did not happen. Instead I got erected from my chair or the stove, where ever I may have been at the moment by a shrieking shrill coming from the living room. It sounded as if someone was killing him. I rushed to see what was going on as even though this shrill is normal for him, I can't seem to adjust. I get there to my little man flapping his arms shrieking. Then jolting to hit or push whom ever was causing his disruption. I can't even describe the amount of stress that was wondering in my home for two days.


At one point he had gotten really upset and ran into our roommates room, which he uses as a calm down sensory room sort of. He isn't allowed in there unless the roommate is there and allows him but that rule got broken quickly. I swept in and tried to scoop him up and remove him when he slapped me in my face. It was at that point that my patience and everything else that I seem to be able to maintain flew out the window. I am not proud to reveal what I said to my son and I cringe while tying this. I looked at my son and told him,"Stop acting like a jerk. You are normal at least that is what everyone else thinks. You are just being a defiant brat!!" I proceeded to pick up my screaming, kicking child and carried him out of the room handing him to my boyfriend saying,"Do something with him please. I can't handle him, someone needs to take him."


After an hour of crying and searching through every phone number I had ever acquired with no luck of reaching anyone. I proceeded to call my ex-service coordinator and rant with her about how horrible of a parent I am and maybe I am just unable to deal with normal toddler behavior because now I was convinced that I was just a bad mom. That was the reason he was acting like this and all this time I have been acting like something was wrong with him. Amidst me crying and yes, whining on the phone (talk about self pity) for about 30 minutes, she interrupted me saying,"Take a breathe, cause you aren't crazy!!" I thought,"Are you freaking nuts? I just made my son feel like a stupid child and was totally wrong."


She proceeded,"I remember feeling like this myself. I know what you are going through but I "can say that you are not wrong about him. I saw it, Your son was showing signs of this for a long time, the providers saw it, but by law we cannot diagnose, we can only encourage you to see a specialist." All the time they were in my home working with my son they did acknowledge and have thoughts on what was going on. She reminded me of a specific incident that involved a therapist who had cancelled due to an illness and she came to my house. She said that day she was certain and Autism was very evident. I think that sometimes we get so caught up in trying to advocate and defend our children and it gets frustrating. You begin to doubt and think about whether you are right and how you are parenting. All parents, special needs or not go through the thoughts about how you parent.


This week was an eye opener and made me step back and really slow down. I needed to look at some of the things that have improved with my son because I have been so focused on the fact that he is just maintaining most skills not learning new ones. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what he has accomplished in the last year. His speech is so much better now. I can understand what my son wants most of the time and his teachers actually have a clue what he is saying. He seems to be able to express when he is sad and has started to gain some pretend play. I think for myself I need to reflect more often and maybe I will be able to take some of the stress off of myself. My son may have Autism but I refuse to let Autism have my son.



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