and mom said, "I am so Glad Your Father is Dead…"
By TruthsfromtheChaos on July 25, 2012
Meet my mom. Yes, this is the woman I wrote about in my May 16, 2012 blog:
Simply put, memories of my mom are moreso bitter and far from all that is sweet. (NOTE TO MOM: It takes 2 to be in a marriage. There's enough blame to go around without placing it all on dad.)
I called mom last week. *gasp...I know, right?* Wednesday maybe…can’t recall. I write about the reason for my call at another point in time but not in today's blog. Just know I did not call her with an expectation to receive condolences for dad’s death. Good thing too, because it was only a matter of seconds before her *words* transported me back to the 1970’s.
“I am so glad that man is dead. He was a mean and horrible man. I stood over him one night with a cast iron skillet, and I swear I almost let him have it! He’s probably in the middle of purgatory right this very second because no one wants him. Not even the devil!”
Trust me. She said much more. I did not interrupt. I listened. I remained calm. No anger. If anything, I felt sorrow for her and right or wrong I felt pity too. It may as well have been the devil talking at me trying to lure me back into the trenches of mom's decades of bitterness, anger and pain.
I confess... after the call feelings of shame surfaced as memories tried to invade my mind. I even came home and reread recent blog posts (tributes of sorts) I wrote about dad.... Next, I stared at my pictures of me at his casket.
"God, was it ok to forgive dad?"
God's answer came to me through His light. God's light soothed the burden of my question, and gentley shielded me from mom’s grief and despair... decades of such darkness. Sweet Jesus what a burden to walk around every day with so much anger and hate.
Yes, by sundown, God's light destroyed the darkness and allowed my heart to overflow with love, peace and the forgiveness I willingly had given to my father in our last month together. The forgiveness I reinforced over and over to dad as I sat by his bedside.
Rhetorical question here: What is my mantra? Say it with me, “I just want to be less fucked up.” True, some days I feel exhausted as hell, but the process continues to move along just fine… Truly though, I think E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. is a little fucked up. It comes down to the million dollar question, “Does your degree of fucked up break the scale?”
Bottom line folks, we have to help ourselves. Each of us holds the key to happiness. Again I’ll quote from princess Merida (Pixar’s "BRAVE"- such a little spitfire!)
“Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.”
So…..at times does it feel as though life dealt you a shitty hand of cards? Sucks big time. I know the feeling. So change it. Do something different. Don’t just let yourself stand in decades of accumulated toxic shit.
Me? In blog after blog.... I have shared my way with readers: Doctors, Meds and God. The untapped trauma, pain and grief was deep. I took organized steps to claim my life. Still do today. Incidentally I used to want to cold cock the individual who dare said to me, “Why are you bringing up something that happened 30 years ago, blah, blah, blah…?”
My answer, “I bring up shit from 30 years ago because the body does not forget trauma. One way or another, untapped trauma will surface. Whether you pistol whip someone in the middle of the night or you self medicate with pills and booze. Untapped trauma will surface.... manifest in other ways. The body is held captive. In other words, the body is a landmine just waiting to be triggered."
Today, no more feelings of helplessness and shame. ...far from helpless and I DO NOT validate feelings of shame. Feels damn good after 2+ years of *organized work*.
Soon doctor’s appointments will only be 1x a month.
No more Meds and pop open some champagne!
As for me and God...I will never go back to leaning on myself. I will forever lean on God. God does not use email, twitter, or face book… I understand His word. God knows I have signed a blank check. God knows; any time, any place, and at any cost I will follow Him. And where dad was concerned, who would have *thunk it*?
God helped me bulldoze through all my toxic shit. God melted mountains in my path. God smoothed out my agony, pain and anger. God made that which was crooked straight.
In the end...before dad left this earth God turned it all into love. God made straight our path, and I forgave.
And to my mom (*HUGE SIGH* so, so, much work there...big brother too.)
I know mom's anger is not fueled by figments of her imagination. I was there too… in 1st – 2nd – 3rd grade. I saw things. I heard things. I felt things. The types of things that can really *fuck a person up*. Her suffering lives and breathes in her as though it were still 1970.
Today I wish my mom peace. I really do. But peace does not happen by itself because….. Domestic Violence: Try as We Might – Those who Love You Can’t Save You...it starts with you
My blog post written on February 23, 2012
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