Then, I woke up this morning.
For some reason, I could not pull myself out of bed. At all. I ended up getting out of bed at 9:30. For 9:00 church. I decided that I would help get kids ready and maybe we could make it for Sunday School. So while Steve got ready, I got clothes and helped round up kids. We got them dressed, but by that time there was ten minutes left for me to get ready. Sigh. And I needed a shower.
So I didn't go. Again. I think this is like 6 weeks now?
I am not beating myself up over it, though. I have legitimately been not doing well for most of those weeks. And I feel that it is acceptable to miss church occasionally. But I also do feel that it is time for me to get back in the saddle and get going again. It's too easy to stop going when things are hard.
After Steve and the kids left, I caught myself beating myself up a bit. "Fail," I told myself. "You suck." But then I stopped. Because those kinds of thoughts eventually lead to self harm, and though I am doing so much better these days, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. So instead of allowing myself to be mean to myself, I came up with the opposite of the mean thing I was telling myself.
"You are doing the best you can. And that is okay." I just repeated this to myself several times. I've also been doing something that may sound kind of silly, but it has been helping. Each time I take a negative statement and turn it around to a positive one, I take a marker and write on my arm, over my scars. Today it was, "I am doing the best I can. And that is okay." And then I take a picture and post it on Tumblr. For some reason, writing down positive thoughts, and capturing them on camera, has been enabling for me. It has made me able to look past my faults and to focus on my good qualities.
And that is good.