And then Emma Stone asked to play me in the bio-pic of my life.

So you know how in some romantic comedies, the heroine is this funny, slightly clumsy girl who probably just needs a good brushing of the hair and some trendier glasses and she’d be the belle of the ball? And how the guy is usually the buddy who only sees her as the funny, clumsy, unkempt friend who he’d never be attracted to because he doesn’t understand that he’s actually looking at Julia Roberts under all of that hair and no make-up? But then all of a sudden she has a brilliant make-over and comes down the stairs and he falls madly in love with her?
 
Yeah, this doesn’t describe any moment I’ve ever had in my dating life, either. And it certainly doesn’t describe the life CB has come to know and love. Except that Julia totally plays me in my day-to-day mind-life. But I digress.
 
Anyway, the unfortunate truth of it all is that, while people regularly tell me that my life is like a tv show or a movie, they’ve never actually narrowed it down to what kind of movie we’re talking about here. And nobody should ask CB what his opinion is on this because I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have the word “romantic” in it at all.
 
You see, this weekend we decided to have date night. And even though I’m sure we all remember what CB’s initial idea of a date was, we’ve come a long way. So we decided on dinner and a movie. Except I woke up that day not feeling so great and we were trying to juggle the timing of everything since CB got off of the golf course around 5 and my witching hour of falling asleep during a television program, movie, or conversation is between 9:30pm-7am.
 
So this meant that dinner was something we’d tackle on our next date night, and I was just fine with that since this left room for Swedish Fish and popcorn. Upset stomach, what? Yeah. I’m like a child. Stomach bug be damned!
 
Anyway, we walked into the theater just a few minutes before the movie started, and since it was sold out, we were among the lucky few who got pick of the entire first row of seats.
CB: You sure this is ok?
Me: Sure, why not? It just means that I get to see Ben Affleck’s face up close. No complaints here!  
 
 
 
Cut to: 20 minutes into the movie and my eyes are closed because my motion sickness has kicked in so severely that I have considered grabbing CB’s popcorn bag to hurl into.
 
Me: I don’t think we can sit here.
CB: It’s sold out! There’s no place else to sit.
Me: Ok, but I might throw up on you.
CB: Just lean back and try not to think about it.
 
 
 
Helpful.
 
Cut to: 20 more minutes and I’m losing plot here because when people speak in Farsi and it’s being subtitled in English, I just think it’s a quiet scene of Ben Affleck’s face with Iranians talking in the background because I can’t see anything.
 
 
Spoiler alert: that’s not what it was.
 
However, I was quite impressed with myself for being able to figure out that the guy from “The Mindy Project” andJohn Goodman were both in the movie simply by voice recognition. Of course, I may or may not have missed a few scenes after that because obviously my mind started to wander when I began playing the game “Who’s Voice Would I For Sure Recognize in a Movie?”
 
Which, for the record, I would dominate.
 
But just around that time is when I felt CB get up for a minute. When he came back, this happened:
 
CB: Do you mind sitting on the floor?
Me: The floor?
CB: Yeah, there’s a spot for wheelchairs about half-way up in the theater where we could sit and not disturb anyone. And you also wouldn’t have to watch the movie with your eyes closed.
Me: Let’s do it.
  
 
And so we did. And it was awesome. 
 
Also, I highly recommend Argo to anyone who hasn’t seen it and I definitely recommend watching it with your eyes open, if at all possible, because it really rounds out the whole experience.
 
Speaking of experiences, on the way home I was still feeling a little nauseas because, as I explained to CB, I have “a very delicate system. Also, I might be sick?” and he took this opportunity to explain to me how happy he was that we’ve been together this long and how much he’s looking forward to spending many more date nights with me because being with me means never being bored.
 
I mean, that was the gist. I could just reiterate everything he said here word-for-word, but then too many people would start fighting him for my love and that just wouldn’t be fair.
 
However, the moral of this story is that I think the movie industry is missing out on a gold mind of a plot line here, people! A scene where Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling end up sitting on the floor with jujubes and popcorn kernels stuck to their pants, and Pepto Bismol on-hand just in case she gets sick in a dainty fashion, has the beginnings of the best rom-com ever!
 
You’re welcome, Hollywood. (call me, Ryan.)

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