And Then She Red Rovered My Ass: A Tale of Childhood Trauma
5. My mom Clay Matthews’d the shit out of me one time. I was pissed because I wasn’t getting my way. We were out front of my grandparents’ house and I called her ugly and stuck my tongue out at her. Then, I ran. In my head, I was thinking, “I’m literally the fastest person I know. She’ll never catch me. I’ll run to the… wait. What’s she doing. Oh my god, run faster, legs! Damn you! Run fast---“ And then she took me down like a middle linebacker in the Superbowl. It was like the cheetah overtaking the baby antelope on Planet Earth. I never stood a f*cking chance. And as my grandpa pulled into the driveway and saw me flailing on the ground under her, did he help me? No. What did he say instead? “Remember when you stuck your tongue out at me?” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! (It is worth noting, that my mother did not necessarily mean to tackle me. Allegedly. She “meant” to “grab me by the arm and pull me back.” I think we all know what this means. She wanted to Red Rover me. Thanks, mom.)
It’s not a pretty list.But I’m trying to fulfill my contract with the readers, which is that I consistently add to the patchwork quilt that is your understanding of who I am and why I am so… so…. let’s just say “delightful.” Incidentally, as part of your fulfillment of your contract with me, you should comment. And if you’re not comfortable naming your own trauma because your balls haven’t arrived yet, feel free to tell me how sorry you feel for me. I'll be here all day.
More Like This
Recent Posts by Nested
Most Popular on BlogHer
Most Popular on Humor
Recent Comments on Humor