And then there was the time that CNN directly referenced a Duchess' lady-bits....

Well kids, it happened. The royal baby was born today and we can all now descend from where we have, collectively, spent the last week perched, trying to see inside the Duchess’ hoo-ha in order to watch the blessed event. I’m sad to see it end.

Ok, I can’t keep that up. I, frankly, am glad it’s all over. My sister, however, is devastated. She set alerts on her phone from UsWeekly so that she would know the precise minute that the baby started to crown. Yea, she's one of those.

And then she took a nap and Carter seized the opportunity and broke the news to her that Wills and Kate had a boy and she was crushed because he "ruined the surprise." And then he told me and I was kind of “meh.”

Don’t get me wrong, I think babies are fantastic and I’m so happy for them. Because they are human beings who just expanded their family. And she just hossed a tiny, tiny person out her lady-nest and lived to tell the tale, which is still f*cking impressive to me every time I hear of it happening to anyone. Anywhere. Anytime. The fact that that kid's royal is like the least impressive thing about today.

But I couldn’t help but feel bad for her, too. I know she signed up for this whole “future queen” thing, but the words “vaginal birth” were all over the internet connected to her name. Awesome. Congrats, dear Kate, on not having to have a C-section because your precious wee lamb’s head was the size of a large cantaloupe and got lodged somewhere. …..Like my giant head did.

It’s fine. It’s not a thing.

But seriously, that’s what CNN printed:

“Prince William remained at Catherine's side throughout the labor and the baby was born vaginally, not via a C-section, the source said.” [Source]

I nearly spit coffee all over my computer when I read that. Apparently there ain’t no dignity for royals either, just like us reg'lar people. This is just not that sweet lady’s year for keeping her parts private. First, those topless photos from the stealth bomber of paparazzi (remember those?) and now this? I promise you, everyone who was camped outside the hospital (*cough* or receiving hourly updates from UsWeekly *cough*) would have been satisfied with “The baby was born blah blah blah She gave birth to a boy blah blah blah William was by her side the whole time blah blah blah Mother and baby are doing well blah blah blah blah blah.” 


PROMISE.

That’s what I was expecting, anyway, and then: “Blah blah blah Baby blah blah blah Catherine blah blah blah vaginally.... wait, what the f*ck was that!?!?!”

Way to keep it classy, CNN, you gods of the TMI, you.

And to you, dear Kate, congratulations. I wish you nothing but privacy and joy. May you and Wills get to experience all of the mania of first-time parenthood as God intended: away from the public eye, in yoga pants, with some sort of food in your hair because you were so tired that you fell asleep in your cheezy poofs. You know, the ones you had 49 seconds to eat between feedings and soilings.

And to you, obsessed universe, please go back to your lives and become obsessed with something normal again, like polygamist families or tracing Honey Boo Boo’s genealogy. I’m looking at you, Kara.

 

Katie Pilkington

Writer of Nested and Bourbon - Neat - and Baking on the Rocks

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