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Angry Birds is coming to Facebook.
That's correct, my social media gaming friends. Achieve any extraneous life goals while you can. Pack a lunch and kiss your loved ones goodbye, because the scarily addictive little game of battling pigs and birds (who invented this and can I have some please?) is jumping off of your mobile device and onto your desktop.
And I, for one, am terrified.
Related: as though Cupid has not thwarted me enough, I have been stuck on Level 1-9 of Angry Birds Valentines for an untold number of days. They are only untold because I refuse to count, and yes, I've minutely followed the YouTube hacks. 1-9 is my Waterloo, my Angry Birds level that shall not be named. On the day I beat it, I will need a drink and a nap.
To be fair to my own limited level of heart-shaped Angry Birds accomplishment, I limit my playing time these days by sheer force of will and the necessity of a paycheck and fulfilling social relationships. With the hours of my life I devoted to the now-almost-quaint Angry Birds original, Halloween and Holiday versions, I likely could have invented something cool or hiked the Appalachian Trail. Concurrently.
And I can tell I'm lagging on my Angry Birds cred because I didn't know until yesterday that there is apparently a likely equally evil St. Patrick's Day version of the game lying in wait for when I finally finish blowing up all of these hearts. If I finally finish blowing up all of these hearts.
Moving the egg birds and black bomb birds and their helmeted and beribboned pig nemeses to Facebook will change the game -- both literally and in terms of the way it integrates into the lives of the hapless millions who equally love and loathe it. Worlds will collide for those among us who frequent both our smart phone apps and Mark Zuckerberg's invention that everyone likes to complain about but nobody can seem to quit. Refusing to drop into CafeWorld and deleting Farmville invitations is one very self-righteous thing, but it's doubtful whether the Angry Birds faithful can resist mixing their applications, as it were.
What will be different on Facebook? Well first of all, can you imagine the unintelligible shrieking, the crashing of sticks and rocks, and the vindictive "WHEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEES" of self-destructive obese cardinals on surround sound speakers on an iMac? I'm just saying. Close-up views of of those big, batting, porcine eyelashes as they get knocked around by falling eggs? Priceless.
Rovio CEO Mikael Hed, the wizard behind the Angry Birds curtain, told WiredUK that “the pigs will have a more prominent role,” and that the game will have "completely new aspects to it that just haven't been experienced on any other platform."
How much more enthralling (what?) could it possibly get? The mind reels, specifically the part of it that justifies spending hours launching digital birds at haphazard piles of sticks and stones material, breaking gift boxes and piles of hearts and cackling when I hit a box of TNT? That part is going to be very, very bad, and it knows it.
And if you're sucked in already, you will be too, don't lie.
The Facebook app is scheduled to debut in May, and I'm very sure that it's possible not to download it, that some people will exercise admirable restraint, that for them the mobile version will be enough.
I'll see you next year -- and I promise to hide my notifications.
Contributing Editor Laurie White writes at LaurieWrites. Her photos are on Flickr.
