Today I was getting ready to go to a business conference. Something my company does once a year- we ditch our grubby clothes, get together and have a large meeting with the Big Boss. Like most women this started simply enough- put my son to bed and then start packing. I have a closet full of clothes that I haven’t worn in a year. Last year I was pregnant and couldn’t fit into have of what I had but I still was able to pull it together.
Today, I just about had a melt down. It started before I realized that I was going to have a problem. Today it was announced that The Duchess of Cambridge (formally Kate Middleton) was pregnant, and in the hospital with hyperemesis gravdium. I'm intimately familiar with this. In fact, we were best friends for the whole 38 weeks of my pregnancy. I knew I'd have a rough road when I was on my way to work- got sick and puked in a McDonalds cup because I couldn’t pull over in time.
Then, after reading and reminiscing- I go to my room and start pulling out clothes. Nothing fits, I'm bulging, I'm so heavy. I'm even out of the XL that was baggy a few months ago.
I look at my naked body and think "I hate myself"
Yes, every woman has probably said that about her body in one way or another. But its another when your body has been revolting for 20 months, from starving, to bulging. I have stretch marks that my son did not create. I created them, my weight created them. I've tipped over 200 lbs (226- 10 lbs up from last month)
So, now I post anonymously.
I'm sure as time goes on I'll one day love myself. My size 10's continue to lurk in my closet. My wardrobe is dwindling, I have no winter jacket because I cant seam to get the weight off. The hard part is- if I go back to the doctor they will tell me to diet and exercise. I do, I watch everything I do. I just want to be fixed, I just want my body to work, I just want to feel normal again. Not like a big giant blob every day.
SO here is what I commit to- working harder. Not eating from anything but home. Cutting back and to commit to a plan to get fitter, healthier and happier. To learn how to love myself, and to respect my self in every action I take. This weight has long term consequences, my husband and I have been trying for our second since February of 2012 and have since been unsuccessful. Since I know I will get the weight lecture at my next doctors visit- maybe we can ease the blow. So lets get started.
Shirts: XL’s are tight
Pants: Size 15+
Hip Measurement: 50”
Bust Measurement: 47”
BMI: 41.3 (CDC)
Activity Level: Standing 10+ hours per day, lots of moving. No current structured out of work activities.
Goals for the week:
Start a simple exercise regimen during the week after son goes to bed.
Get and use a pedometer to track walking at work to better assess out of work needs
Quit buying processed foods at work.
Find one thing about my body I am o.k. with.
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